xty, you're so hard on yourself.....but I can definitely relate cuz I'm hard on myself too. For instance, I had two people tell me I look skinny today. My reaction? I said, "it would be impressive if I had never gained weight to begin with....or if at least I could keep it off this time!" Or, I say, "Yeah, my weight issues are the only thing I have in common with Oprah!"
So it's my attempt at some goofy humor, but really, there's a lot of rejection there....I refuse to give myself enough credit. I have a binge eating disorder. I don't think I've ever been able not to binge for as long as you have, but I'm going to try to emulate you!
I get it though. It's soooo much work. I'm always thinking about the workout, the clothes to wash for the workout, the food to buy, the snacks to eat, what to have next, what I'd like to lose and what if I gain and what about that dinner I have to go to and on and on and on. It's really exhausting. Yet, I know it's all totally worth it because the alternative is to just to eat everything in sight and to be miserable and out of control doing it. I'd rather have too much control than not any.
p.s. The other day I was eating a salad at an outdoor restaurant. This couple next to us was having a burger, fries, milkshake with whipped cream, a regular coke (not diet) and probably some other stuff that I don't remember. They were both very much in shape....both looked toned. They sat there and ate the whole thing. I found myself so disgusted by that display. I kept telling my husband "They're not even having diet coke! It's regular coke!!!" How is it possible that they could eat all that and still be thin? My husband assured me that they probably do this once every six months or something. I don't know if that's true or not, but the truth is that it really doesn't matter. Even if they can do this 10 times a day, it has no effect on my situation. I just wish it was easier for people like us, but everyone has their mountain to climb and this is ours.