Hey guys!
I'm not sure if any one of you can remember me but I've been on the forums for a while, on and off. I've been absent for a few months now but I've been thinking about my weight a lot lately so I decided to check out how you guys were doing!
I have a few things that I need to get off my chest so I apologise in advance if this post is going to be a long one & depressing, possibly?! I'm normally a cheery person so I will try to keep this post sane as much as possible, hehe.
Right .. at the start of the year, I told myself that 2010 is going to be a new start and the best year yet. It's not even the end of the year yet but I've already stamped 2010 as the worst year of my life! It wasn't all bad to start with, though .. my sister gave birth to a beautiful baby girl, Nichole, on 01.01.10 @ 12:50 AM :] Now, I live in Wales but it had been snowing usually since December so the weather got worse throughout January and February. It does not usually snow in Wales and if it did, it would only snow a bit in March. The snowing began before Christmas and went on to early March. As a result, I've missed a lot of college. The college wasn't closed the whole time but I was too scared to go out in case I'd slip on the ice. It's like a phobia for me or something. Therefore, as a result, I've missed a lot of college work so it's difficult to do the assignments & having depression doesn't really help. I've been diagnosed with depression about 2 years ago when I've begun to notice changes in myself after my paternal grandmother passed away: I was so close to her. Also, having an abusive boyfriend didn't really help.
It was early March when I broke down: I was absolutely struggling to get my assignments done because I physically and mentally couldn't do them. However. I've talked to my college tutor, who was very kind enough to give me an extension on my assignments because he understood what it's like to have depression and he could see how serious I was about my college work and my future. I was feeling a bit better after all of that until I found out online that an amazing friend, Emilie, took her own life a month earlier (4th February). I was so asborbed in my own life that I didn't take notice of the others or even the outside world. From that point there, I just broke down. I began having nasty nightmares, where my mother & the abusive boyfriend were killing me and everyone I loved were turning against me. With the nightmares, I'd often woke up in the middle of the night screaming and I physically lashed out at my mother because I thought I was still in the nightmares!
So I've missed college even more, which means adding more assignments to the pile. I care about the college course a lot and I don't want to repeat a year because I really want to go to university next year so I am very determined to work on my assignments through the summer and be ready, all for a fresh start for the 2nd year in college, in September. Right now, it just doesn't seem possible! :{
Last month, after 5 years with an abusive boyfriend, I was strong enough to end things with him. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do, especially when I had to tell my family and friends with the boyfriend did to me :'{ I've had a lot of emotional support but it became too overwhelming for me so I began to lose sleep and became insomniac. At one point, I'd stopped eating because I was too sick with grief. You'd think that after a month, he would get the message and understand that I want nothing to do with him ever again. Nope, he's still hassling me online. I've blocked him on Windows Live and facebook but somehow, he still manages to get through to me. I've also had abuse from his younger sister, who called me a twisted liar because she doesn't believe that he had been abusive to me, which is funny because he's been violent towards her and the rest of the family. His sister has never liked me so it's kinda insulting to be called that especially when she knows deep down that it's true.
So I've turned 19 on Monday and what have I got to show for it? Nothing! I just feel so trapped and hurt .. I even feel like I'm a 40 year old divorcee on the brink of suicide! :'{
I will admit that I've considered suicide many times but it's the love and support of my family and friends that stops me from actually committing suicide. I know that I need some sort of help .. I've already been to a doctor and he said that he would sort me out with a conjuctive therapy?? That was back in February and I'm still waiting for it. I went off the anti depressants at the end of March because I was fed up of taking loads of different tablets which didn't help so I just wanted to stop ramming chemicals in my body and find a natural method to help me beat this.
I just feel so alone right now and I feel that I'm going nowhere in life right now :'{
If you've been reading the whole post then thank you sooo much! And I'm terribly sorry for waffling on .. I just needed to get it all off my chest!
Beth :]