I’ve been meaning to post this for a while, but it’s kind of emotional and sad for me and I’ve been putting it off. I just wonder if anyone else can relate.
I went home for Easter and was so excited to show my family, especially my dad’s side, how far I’ve come. The last time they saw me was before Christmas and I’d only lost about 15 pounds at that time. I couldn’t wait to show them the forty pound loss! So Easter Sunday comes and I go to my grandmothers and of course everyone is there. As soon as I get out of the car, a great Aunt that I very rarely see starts squealing about how great I look. Everyone else sort of followed suit. (I hope that doesn’t sound like I’m being conceited…I think they really meant “better”.) Now, it’s worth pointing out that my dad’s side of the family is thin…tall and thin. They can eat whatever the want and I’ve never heard of any of them hitting the gym, they are just naturally skinny people. I’ve always felt like a big fat weirdo when I’m around them…I still feel that way, but a little less so now.
My dad never said a word. And I waited for him to all day. Why? Why couldn’t I just bask in the glow of the attention I was already getting? Why is it so important for me for him to notice? He’s never noticed anything about me and that’s the god honest truth. I really think that any love my dad has for me is more obligation…of course he loves me, I’m his daughter, he’s supposed to. But he doesn’t like anything in particular about me; he doesn’t even know anything about me. Over the past few years, I’ve tried really hard to build a relationship with him, but I can’t shake the feeling that he just doesn’t really like me that much. I still remember to this day the only time that my dad has ever told me I’m pretty…and I hold on to that so fiercely. It wasn’t even a really memorable situation…we were standing in line together at a gas station and he turned around to ask me something and just said, “You look really pretty today.” It almost just fell out of his mouth…and he seemed genuinely surprised that he thought and said it.
I just wonder why it matters more to me that he didn’t notice than that the rest of my family did. Why do I even care? It still hurts…and writing this, my heart is doing that squeeze thing it does right before I cry. A million compliments couldn’t outweigh the fact that my dad didn’t even ask me if I’d lost or say good job. I know he doesn’t think I’m pretty…I know he’s ashamed of me as a person and the mistakes I’ve made in my life…I know he thinks I’m reckless and irresponsible and a failure…but can’t he recognize just this one thing that I have done right? Would it kill him?
(I know that was long…I didn’t mean for it to be. I have a lot of issues with my dad and the whole thing just makes me so sad. I honestly don’t think my dad is happy that I’m alive, that I’m his daughter. He has a daughter in his second marriage and to say that he adores her would be an understatement. I haven’t really come to terms with the fact that my dad probably won’t ever just be proud of me.)