My boyfriend's schedule went haywire this week. He was asked to fill in for someone and had to work an overnight last night. We were supposed to go shopping the night before, and he tried to stay up a bit to help compensate for his upcoming schedule.
He fell asleep instead.
I don't blame him though, lol . . . and he was way too tired to take me to the store even the next morning. He later went back to bed again to get ready to pull the all-nighter. As some of you know, I'm not particularly comfortable with driving right now, so we do most of the shopping together. Anyway, I made sure he was awake in time to get ready for work, and in the evening I settled down on the computer to catch up on posts and relax.
Sometimes I feel bad that I have such a hard time driving and doing other things that used to be no problem for me a few years ago. And as I got to thinking about it, I began to look up a few things . . .
And now I believe I have agoraphobia. I've been well aware for a few years now that I indeed have anxiety attacks, in fact I used to describe it as feeling "claustrophobic" in triggering situations even though I knew the term wasn't quite right. But now I've been staring at the list of symptoms, feeling relief that I finally put my finger on the majority of my problems in the past 5 years or so, yet at the same time I can feel the fear of something new to tackle.
I cried a bit last night. I'm not used to being alone in the house at night, and aside from thinking a lot about my past, I felt frustrated that I had to wait until at least the next morning to discuss things with my boyfriend. But I wrote out some of my feelings before going to bed, which I think helped a bit.
And wow, did I ever sleep in!
I normally get up around 7 or so, but I didn't wake up until 10! This was soon after my boyfriend arrived home, and after having such a long night at work he went right to bed. Once again, I don't blame him. And even after all that sleep I still felt exhausted. I went back to bed without thinking; I didn't even have breakfast and I *always* have breakfast now. We both got up again a few hours later. We finally had a chance to talk a little bit. I wasn't hungry since I was rather upset, but I made myself have half an egg sandwich. Then I went back to bed again! And when I got back up, I realized we *still* hadn't gone shopping and barely had any food in the house. He offered to take me for a quick bite to eat, which I gladly accepted.Subway sounded good! I ordered my usually turkey footlong, lotsa veggies with mustard on wheat. I only eat half and take the other half home for a meal the next day. But not eating much in the day caught up with me (it was now dinner time), and I ate the whole thing in one sitting!
And not only that, I was still hungry . . .I needed dental floss pretty bad so he took me to a nearby store on the way home to run in for some while he waited in the car. And for the first time in months, I picked up a candy bar.
Grr. I'm so not happy with myself at the moment. I can't even pat myself on the back for choosing one of the lightest ones I could think of, as it's still all fat and sugar. But I'm not gonna beat myself up over it either. Tomorrow is a new day, and I can make a clean start with a clearer head than I've had today.
The whole possibility of being agoraphobic has been hard on me, as well as making me dig back into some painful moments in my past in an attempt to figure things out. But now that the initial shock of it is over, I can now look into treatment options and begin to get my life back, little by little.
And if you're curious as to how the symptoms have been affecting me . . .
I live within a very small comfort zone. I panic if I have to leave it for any reason if I'm on my own. It's a struggle to even walk through my own neighborhood unless the sun has gone down.
The only comfort zone I ever gained after learning to drive the stick here was in the neighborhood across town in which I used to babysit (having to drive the kids to school while babysitting them was the whole reason I had to force myself to learn the stick, otherwise I probably still wouldn't know how). I can barely make myself drive to the local store on my own here, even though it's very close by.
I literally can't answer the door of my own home, whether or not I'm alone. If I'm alone, I ignore it; if my boyfriend's home, I leave the room as he answers.
I have major issues with clutter, to the point that it becomes very difficult to make myself clean. It overwhelms and flusters me, almost making me feel like my mind has to switch off in order to not short-circuit.
I have countless other triggers and I hate having the anxiety attacks. I can't think, I can't breathe, I can't speak. But maybe I can now find the key to getting better.
So I'm brushing myself off today. I've always been emotional and I've always cried more than I felt I should, but that's just me. But I've been through a lot in the past few years and it's worn me down. Luckily I'm feeling very supported right now, and when I had that talk with my boyfriend he reminded me of how far I've come since I moved here. I think I spent the first few months in bed, exhausted and crying over the whole ordeal of my ex, living on my own, and moving out here. I needed time to heal and find myself again, but maybe I'm needing some extra help and pushing in order to get back on track and feel "normal" like I did way back when I was single.
Whew! Talk about a wall of text here . . . anyway, I most certainly will get back OP tomorrow, along with a lot of other things. Oh yeah, and we still need to go grocery shopping, lol. He's got a few days off now so it won't be an issue. Wish me luck.
