I literally feel like a jack *** posting this during the same time Tammy has been going through **** but I've been debating on coming clean for about a week.
I haven't been following plan. Not since after my first week. My first entire week of following plan I dropped 6 pounds... poof! The next week was vacation and since I had already lost 6 pounds I found myself becoming more lax in my diet. We were doing a ton of walking and keeping busy so I got this mentality where, so long as I didn't *gain* weight it'd be okay to have the french fries or the burger, etc. Got home from vacation and just haven't managed to get back into it and worse I've gotten more lax about my activity level.
I miss the feeling of accomplishment I was getting with following my plan. I seemed more energetic and my housework was getting done, I was cooking meals, I was "on the ball," so to speak. Now, I feel BLAH. I can't seem to get the UMPH up to do anything.
This is pretty classic Tara though. I have a zero support system and try as I might I just can't manage to put one in place. We moved to West Virginia from Colorado, after my family moved to Iowa. Even if they were close geographically I know better than to expect any sort of support from them. Sometimes I swear they thrieve on my failure. They've actually told me they had a running bet on how long I'd last in college. I found this out my sophmore year. I was an awesome high school student with no reason to assume I wouldn't have done well. I loved school! Graduated with honors, had a high GPA, was in Honors in college, excelled in my courses, but for some reason when I heard this all the enthusiasm I had for finishing just vanished. I dropped out before my junior year, right after my dad (well, step dad but the only dad I knew) died unexpectedly. Sadly, my step-father was the only one I ever felt understood me there at the end, and who wanted me to succeed. He and my mother had been seperated for almost a year and were getting ready to divorce. He had gotten clean (my parents were meth addicts and dealers) and my mother still hadn't.
Then I got married and my husband and I had our first baby boy, Kaleb, die in stillbirth due to an incompetant cervix. I tried to go back to college but ended up sabatoging myself. I couldn't cope with anything after that and I failed 2 semesters and lost all financial aid. My family made me feel like a failure that I mourn so deeply the loss of that baby. They still do. They don't understand any of the frustration I've felt over the whole situation. And they don't have to live with the lingering memories of feeling my child struggling inside me for life or holding that precious lifeless body in my arms begging him to wake up, to cry...just once. I had nightmares for weeks after that. I'd wake up in the middle of the night hearing a baby cry. A few times I even got up to walk into the nursery. I feel like I killed my baby, I've only told one person that...ever. I don't bring it up to them, or anyone really. I've learned to cope on my own.
My DH... well, he's different. He supports the weight loss issue, and then brings me candy bars from the store so we can splurge together. He's worse than I am with the discipline so I really have no idea where to go from there. I've already tried telling him not to suggest goodies, don't bring me treats, I need you to be stronger for me... last night I enjoyed Carmellos and Rolos, see how well that worked? I'm pretty sure on some level he's trying to sabatoge me. He keeps making comments about me losing weight and replacing him. I've tried to be reassuring that this is for me and HIM but to be honest, our marriage hasn't been the greatest so I'm not sure how to make him feel more at ease. I am truly not losing weight in order to move on to "bigger and better" like he's said. I want to lose it to feel comfortable in my own skin again. So I can have the energy I want and need to be the mother mine wasn't and I think, if I'm happier with myself, it'll help the marriage.
I know this is all on me. I need to find it in me to move past the self sabatoging and road blocks I'm putting up. I'm holding on by a thread. I've made myself continue to workout, at least 4 times a week the past week. I haven't monitored food, but I figured if I could just hang on and do the workouts, we'll start adding in the diet part. I just need to find the rest of the strength in me to break through this cloud I feel like I'm in.
Thanks for letting me ramble. I feel like I owe you guys an appology. All the great advice and support and I've just been squeezing by.