Lately, I've been RESENTING my plan. It seems ridiculous...and I AM still on-plan, working harder than I had been previously, even. But I'm getting sort of bitter about it, and not sure how to snap free.

I've been fixating lately on what I have to do that is "different" than normal people to maintain or lose weight. For example, I am ridiculously sugar sensitive (I think it's the PCOS). It will completely stop my losses and usually make me feel icky and retain 10 million pounds of water. But sometimes, I want a cookie or a slice of banana bread, things that "normal" people could fit into their plan without dealing with the effects on the scale for 3-4 days after.

It doesn't help that my partner has maintained her nearly 75 lb loss with very few blips upward for 2 years, same as I have, only while eating almost a daily sweet treat at work (not big, but a cookie, brownie, etc) and completely cutting out exercise. Meanwhile I'm over here, working out 8 hours a week and eating nearly completely clean, lifting heavy, and struggling to keep below my red line.

Not to mention, my shape is shifting (I think its the BCP I'm on for the PCOS that's behind that) and suddenly I've got all kinds of weird-body-changes going on. Hips and butt, specifically. Those spots are definitely getting rounder. I'm pretty sure my waist got smaller to compensate, but I don't notice that in the mirror...I do see the growing parts and get a bit dismayed.

I made the mistake of bringing this up with people other than my partner...and got a whole lot of "shut up, you're thin" in response. I sort of miss being able to complain with friends about weight. Now, no matter if I've gained 5 lbs or am struggling to stay OP, everyone blows it off like I have no right to talk about weight since I got to goal.

ANYWAY, that is the self-pitying rant. Does anyone else ever get into funks like this? How do you come back from the dark side? I'm still doing good with being on plan, I just miss the "Yay! I have a strong body and I work hard and it makes me feel AWESOME" Amanda!

You and me both.

The same. Exact. Problem.

I'm on plan. I'm doing everything I'm supposed to in regards to working out. The Daily Plate tells me no lies.

But for whatever reason nothing is happening. So why not have half a bottle of pinot grigio? I have the same reaction as you to refined carbs, so why not go on a pasta bender? I make DH's lunches for the week, usually in the form of a pasta casserole. 1 bite= 5 pound gain. No joke.

Additionally, the same thing is happening to my body. None of my pants fit. None of them. You know why? Because (thought it's a total mystery), everything went straight to my butt. I feel like I have to crack this code. Like I'm on some wild goose chase to find the variable that has escaped me these past few months.

It's beyond disheartening and I don't know what to do, but this has to end, right? Amanda, I press you to not give up because you WILL get out of this funk! And when you get out of this funk, I'm sure you would rather not have to climb out of a waist deep pile of cookie crumbs along with it.

Gosh how I wish I had some magnificant words of wisdom (there must be someone around here with that one), but you have my faith that you will overcome.

I mean, you're the woman who survived an unscheduled river rafting adventure!

Thanks, Jen...Memo to our bodies...puberty is OVER. Stop changing! And if you're wearing a HRM 24-7 and logging deficits of 1000 calories a day, GAINING 2 LBS in a week is not the appropriate bodily response!

I have faith I'll get through it, too...but not that my ATTITUDE will improve. Healthy choices are really pretty automatic for me, even the exercise, and that stays the same whether I resent it or not. AND I have faith you'll do the same, even if you hate it a little bit, even if it makes you crazy.

And on the adventure. The adrenaline of that alone would totally break me through. Too bad its frozen out there!

Hey!

Is there anything else going on in your life right now that might be stressing you or causing you to be frustrated, less than happy, anxious?

Sometimes an attitude gets displaced onto food when it really belongs to something else...

Jay

I can't think of anything! We're settled in, we're good finance-wise, we're happy people with great family to support us...

I think I'm really frustrated at my body, not at the food. For not being normal, for changing all the time, etc. The only reason I want the food is because I know that if I have it I'll be suffering...and it's this petulant "But I WANT it" response.

Hmmm....sounds like you need to indulge your inner 2 year old.

When that happens to me, I go shoe shopping. Cheap therapy. Well, mostly cheap.

Have you been checked lately? I mean, hormone levels, glucose, cysts, thyroid, etc... could there be an underlying issue here (related or not to pcos)?

Also, it is polar plunge season if you seek adventure...

ETA: And I totally get the attitude problem and being peeved at your body, I just want to make sure everything else is ok, too.

Disgruntled...that's a nice reframe, isn't it! I'll have to ponder using the term "exceptional" when describing my body, as opposed to "wonky" or "deranged" (when I'm being nice).

Midwife - that'd work, if not for the size 11 stupid huge feet. Er...exceptional feet? But I wonder what else my inner two year old might want.

Jen - I got tested 4-5 months ago with a PCOS panel (DHEA, Testosterone, all my insulin levels, cholesterol, a basic blood panel). Not sure if they ran thyroid but I've never had any issues before now with that.

It's very odd, because I totally DO all of the things I need to do. I grocery shop. I cook healthy meals. I plan my snacks and rid the house of trigger foods. But the whole time, I'm IRRITATED about it. And it's interesting, because I'm not really resentful of any of the other "work" I have to get done...housecleaning, work at my job...those I don't really mind, so I don't think its a generalized funk with life. But cooking, grocery shopping, dishes, exercise...it's very specifically a weight-related funk.

I'm sure it'll resolve eventually (maybe its the cloudy weather and like of Vit D) but I am kind of getting sick of not enjoying my healthy habits, you know?

Amanda- I go in and out of that funk regularly. I'm kind of in it now....questioning whether it is all worth it, knowing full well that it is and just doing it anyway (most of the time). Over the seven years since I hit goal, I've gone through periods of loving the process and results to being irritated, depressed, annoyed and resentful that so much of my life revolves around food, avoiding food, food prep, and exercise. Add MY food issues to having a son with food related chronic illness, and outside of work, food prep is the most time consuming activity of my day.

But my occasional benders convince me that I really do feel better eating clean, and that refined carbs really do cause an instant weight gain and size gain that doesn't go away on it's own. So yes, despite the occasional resentment, it is worth it to me.

As for body changes, I don't think that ever stops. PCOS and meds will cause changes, but so does pregnancy, then aging. Menopause is not kind to most women. Those of us who workout hard and eat clean fare the best, as far as I can see. But even with eating clean, daily cardio, and heavy lifting, your body WILL change. Aging is tough. Being young is tough.

I really don't have any answers. A SAD light brought me out of one winter funk. I forgot about that!

Mel

Mel - it's reassuring to know that other people go through it...and I DO know it's still worth it, really. I'm just frustrated and irritated and cranky.

I read your post, then heard Janis Joplin on the way home ... "Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose" ...

tiny peep from me...have you looked for size 11s at www.zappos.com? my mom wears a 4 and finds things there.

cheers!

And that's okay. We all have days like that. Vent away---keep to the behaviors, but vent away!

Amanda, Sorry that I don't have any great advice to offer you, but I can surely commiserate. I've been feeling resentful of having to be so careful for the last 3 - 4 months, so I more or less said "screw it" and I've gained about 15 lbs since then. (First time I've admitted that here ) That really sucks, and I'm fighting to get my habits back in place so I can take these stupid 15 lbs back off. And sugars have the same crappy effect on me as what you described.

Not sure that my problem hasn't moved into a slight case of depression. I go for my annual checkup later this month and am going to talk to my doctor about it then, but the threads I see here that talk about depression meds and weight gains frighten me.

Like Mel says, I sure feel better when I eat on plan and I know it is worth it in the long run, but sometimes that doesn't seem to be enough. Good for you for not reverting to our old habits. I'm happy that not everyone makes such stupid mistakes as I do!

Julie - that's a reminder for me...thanks.

Kuhl - I usually can find regular shoes, actually, but zappos.com is awesome for cuter/nicer styles.

Midwife - part of me is really irritated with the whinyness of this post. But I'm also trying to forgive myself for not thinking "perfect" thoughts all the time. It's good to know that it really is OK to vent sometimes. I am still working on that.

Tammy - I've definitely gone off the wagon before, too. Not stupid...just human. We can work on this together (and I'm 7 lbs above the weight in my profile, 2 lbs above my redline) and get back.