WARNING...WARNING...WARNING If sex is too sensitive a subject for you PLEASE read no further
(I had started this post in the "Depression" section but then I read the header about where to post with this subject and have put it here instead....hope I'm in the right place.)
But I am so depressed right now. I need some advice/perspective and I have nowhere to go with this but here. I would appreciate any response you might be willing to share.
I love my DH and I know he loves me. We "physically express" that to each other twice each week, sometime more. It's always been good, we usually "finish" together each time and I don't know how/why I've been so lucky in this department.
This morning he didn't "finish" and I can't believe how upset I still am over this. Generally it never takes long, we laugh at how long it doesn't take and make jokes about it. But today it seemed like hours....I "finished" and then the minutes ticked by, we continued the act (trying to be delicate here), and all I was aware of was how my fat was jiggling and he's holding me with big gobs of my fat in his hands. I never felt so gross in my life. Normally I surrender myself to the moment and have no awareness of my physical self, but today I felt like the huge elephant in the room who no one wanted to mention.
Finally I said, "it's not going to happen for you, is it" and he said "I don't think so" and I said, "I gross you out, don't I?". He said "absolutely not" and I dropped the subject but only verbally.
We're now in the den, he's reading the paper like always and I'm on the PC like always, but I am so bummed. I never want to eat again, I know how the Anas feel and am ready to commit myself to a full fledged eating disorder....on today of all days. I can't bring myself to raise the subject with him right now. Normally we talk about everything, but I can't talk with him about how insecure my hugeness makes me feel. It's like we're both in denial about my physical self.
He's 6'2", 58 yrs old, never been fat in his life, rides his road bike (average speed 23mph) 10 miles each day in the summer and on the trainer in the basement during the winter. Until I hit menopause (I'm 54) I was in the normal weight range, but the scale has creeped up on me and now I feel like a hippo.
How do I get over this? Please share your thoughts with me and thank you for reading this long post