I went from 175 to 135; from a size 12-14 to a size 4-6; from hating my love handles to having a well-defined waist; from hating all physical activity to getting antsy when I’m not working out; from being disgusted by my thunder thighs to proudly wearing short skirts; from immense self hatred to genuine self love; from contemplating suicide to being one of the most positive people on the planet… and the list goes on.
Here’s my story. Beware, it’s LONG!
First off, I have a history of body dysmorphia (sp?). I was a skinny kid, so I ate all the time. In middle school, puberty hit me with a bang and I gained a massive amount of weight. This caused my peers to ridicule me incessantly and set the foundation for my high school eating disorders. While I stopped practicing eating disordered behavior at the age of 18, the mindset remained – I was still unbelievably afraid of getting fat.
When I first started posting here (in early June), I was twenty pounds overweight, extremely negative, had immense social anxiety, and felt over 30 even though I hadn’t turned 21 yet! I overate for the same reasons alcoholics binge drink – it drowned out my sorrows and gave me a hint of comfort – a hint of comfort that was later swallowed by regret.
What went wrong, you ask? Financial stress: bad checks from clients, a failing business and a mountain of debt. Lack of a social life. Feeling homesick for Washington DC. This all led to relationship troubles. I was *depressed* and I – the person once known as the eternal optimist – even contemplated suicide and wondered if life was worth it. It feels so bizarre to think about that time in my life, because I honestly feel like a different person now.
The weight came on so quickly – 50 pounds in 6 months – and I wondered what the **** happened! Suddenly, I was no longer able to fit my clothes. Suddenly, I had a double chin, a gut, love handles, back fat, and thunder thighs. Suddenly, I grew an ***! WOW! I really liked the ***, but I hated the rest.
I began to hate myself. Before the weight gain, I was exceptionally confident and exceedingly outgoing, but after those evil 50 pounds suddenly appeared on my body, I didn’t even want to go outside! I was once the girl that would look great no matter what I had planned for the day. However, once I gained weight, I started going grocery shopping in my pajamas, wearing sweatpants and dingy t-shirts to work, and I even stopped styling my hair.
The cat calls I used to receive within literally one minute of walking out the door turned into cattle calls. Stupid frat boys who I once enjoyed blowing off yelled out things like, “MOOOOO COW!” and, “FAT!!! HAHAHA FATTY!” People often perceive me to be a tough chick, but this kind of thing really made me cry… once I was out of anyone’s sight, of course. Anytime this happened, I decided to yell back, “
YOU! Fat people have feelings, too!” Now, I get cat calls and turn heads again. I can smile again. I can try on clothes without bursting into tears. I’m not angry anymore. I no longer feel chronically sick, disgusting, and bloated because I no longer overeat. Sometimes, I even feel sexy again – it’s strange to feel sexy, as I haven’t for over a year! I’m no longer negative; I try to focus on the positive things my life has to offer. Embarking on this journey has changed SO many aspects of my life, many of which are not even physical. I just feel like ME again – and after feeling depressed, jaded, and ugly, I never thought I’d see my former self staring right back at me!
I have so much more passion and dedication towards life in general. I made so many excuses for not LIVING because I was overweight. I stopped acting, I stopped modeling, I stopped trying to get bands together, and I even stopped being social, but now that I'm no longer that person, I'm ready to finally get out there again! I’ve started arranging business plans to get my companies and ideas off the ground. I have so much energy and vitality… and oh! I no longer feel like a burnout whose best years have passed!
I've never truly been fit and healthy until now.
Thank you, lovely ladies. I couldn’t have done it without you. No one was around to give me any kind of support until I came here. I was relatively unmotivated until I saw your success stories. Your encouragement forced me to stay on plan; I can’t thank you all enough for it.
Megan's right; you're a wise soul and seem so much more mature than a lot of us old folks. Thank heavens that you got smart and figured out this weight loss stuff while you're still YOUNG and have time to truly live and enjoy your life.
