UGH. Okay, so, like all of my other posts, this is gonna be another rannnt :X I'm so fed up with myself at the moment. I started binging last night: two chocolate&vanilla puddings, a vanilla shake-drink thing, etc. Today, the binge continued, and I consumed half a piece of pizza, a serving of chocolate/vanilla swirl frozen yougurt, a chicken burrito, rice and beans, Ben&Jerry's Half-Baked frozen yougurt, and 5 oreo cookies. It's utterly disgusting. As my jaw has continued to heal and I've been physically able to actually eat more and more, I've continued to spin out of control. Ever since last Friday, I've continued to overeat everyday...and what's worse, is that I've failed to keep track of my calories. I took a few laxatives (I believe on Monday night?) and finally, I was able to rid myself of Monday's garbage on Tuesday morning...despite the herrendous stomach cramps. And again tonight, I was forced to take a few more laxatives to over-compensate for today's over-abundance of food. I'm worried that I'll continue to eat and eat and eat, and slowly but surely, my weight is gonna creep back up to the 125-129 range and that REALLY freaks me out :X I'm right now hovering between 123-124 and I've still got 13 or so more pounds to lose before school starts back up again. I so desperately wanna be 110. I know, everyone, including my therapist, tells me that's not a healthy weight for my heigth...but right now, I don't care. I can't live being this large anymore. I visited with her yesterday and she told me that I look 'too thin', which to me was hysterical because whenever I look in the mirror the only thing I see is a zoo animal. It's all so frustrating. And last night, I wanted to cut oh-so badly, but thankfully, my mom tucked away this one pair of scissors (which I was planning to use). I assumed that that was a sign from God telling me not to cut myself. I know, pathetic right? I just can't help it. I hate feeling full, and at this very moment, I feel full and it's driving me insane. I didn't eat for one full week (right after my surgery), and finally, I had shrunk my stomach down to a reasonable size-heck, I was rarely hungry and only had about 500 or less calories each day. Now? I eat everything and anything....and usually, it's late at night. I feel so out of control when I do these stupid, irrational things. Thus, the urge to cut is becoming stronger and stronger...and I fear that if I don't quit this behavior, and fast, the urge will be irresistable. How do I curb these late-night cravings? </end rant>
Sorry guys. I always do this, lol.
And yes, I always discuss this with my therapist.
Unfortunately, these feelings are much too strong :/