I'm not doing so well right now, people.

The food/exercise is ok. I'm not bingeing and I seem to be steady at 128lbs.

Its just...lots and lots of things that are stressing me.

a. I feel so ugly
b. I feel so depressed and pointless - I have until Sept 16th til I go to Uni, weeks of nothing, I miss the structure of college already..I'm doing voluntary work a fair bit, but most evenings/about half the weekend I'm pretty much unoccupied
c. University itself...I don't need high grades to get in. I like the place/accomodation etc. But I dont have any real enthusiasm for it. I feel socially inferior to everyone already.
d. related to c. I've pretty much withdrawn from everyone because I feel so bad, so rubbish, so boring, so much a failure as a person. I can't face my OLD friends....how the heck am I meant to make new ones in september? I feel sick when I go out (socially) because I'm so convinced veryone is hating me. Not agoraphobic...I'm fine going out to places on my own. Its other people.
e. I've been itching a lot. I've had bouts of this before...it lasted for a week, its all over. The first time this happened was in April, and its been on/off since, but is worse now. Theres NOTHING to see on the skin, no rash or anything, and as far as I know i dont have any allergies, but its really horrible and distressing and interferes with sleep. its all over..comes and goes

stress related?!

:-(

oh ..dammit.

emily
xxx

Take a deep breath. It sounds as if you are suffering a bought of depression. This sometimes happens when we have a chance to relax. Low self esteem and felling ill at ease around others comes with the territory. It's good that you have at least some things to keep you occupied. If this mood keeps up it would be a good idea to see a counselor.

I agree. I would go to your Dr about the itching and get a referral for the depression. I have been there and believe me it is not worth trying to go it alone.
Judy

Heavens, reading your post has just transported me back in time to the summer of 1989 when I felt JUST like you. The only difference I would say is that I was at 150 and was trying to control my weight by throwing up everything I ate. It failed miserably.

I too hated summer holidays. I always got a job but the weeks seemed to stretch before me like a sea of nothingness. On the other hand I totally dreaded going to university - I was bound to be immediately hated. I was ugly and fat.

What can I tell you? Nothing works out the way you think it will. University was the best time of my life, no question. The amazing broadening of social horizons was amazing. However much you think you know and have seen you'll soon find out you know nothing. The one thing that surprised me the most was that anything goes. I wasn't fat, I wasn't ugly and when I spoke to people they spoke back - ta dah! Rocket science it wasn't.

Do i know how uni's going to go for you? No, haven't got a clue. I do know though that it is almost impossible to be friendless unless you decide to be. You do have to mak a little bit of effort. Go find your old friends and reconnect - just enough to get into the swing of going out. make the most of the summer, lost a couple of pounds if you feel you need to and change anything now that bothers you before you go. I drastically changed my hair but because nobody knew me I didn't get all the "ooh, what've you done" comments.

Stop stressing about it. I have yet to meet anyone who hated uni.

It sounds like you're feeling the "summertime blues" and kinda dreading the changes coming in the fall. Very normal - been there etc. but it's really really hard to do it alone. Why don't you try to talk to a counselor if you don't feel like sharing this with your friends? We are all here online for you too but sometimes it helps to speak with a living, breathing person in the same room.

And I think being fat certainly is not going to be a problem for you. You're 5'7 and 128 lbs - you skinny thing! Maybe the fat and ugly is also part of the emotions you are experiencing? Being depressed can lead to poor self image which leads to bingeing which leads to etc. etc.

It's hard to do it alone. I'm glad you posted here because it means you haven't withdrawn completely. Try to reach out to some "in the flesh" people too - it really helps!

Dagmar

OMG I have that itching thing as well!! Sometimes I cant sleep for hours because I'm just so itchy!! Its comes and goes, and is really bizarre and keeps my husband awake. Sometimes you can see where I've bled (on my bed) from itching. I dont have any rash - spots - or anything... it's just really wierd.
As for the other things (depression and what not) I agree with everyone else - i think going to your GP and asking for their help and advice will definately prove more beneficial than anything else.

Awww, emily, I have no wise words for you, except a big hug

I had the itching problem too. It was all over and there was no rash to speak of (I refered to it as the invisible rash). None of the over-the-counter remedies helped and I tried them all--calamine lotion, lukewarm oatmeal baths, oatmeal lotion with calamine lotion, hydrocortison, benedryl both in oral form and the cream. The itching was at its worst at night, making it impossible to sleep.

Go to your doctor for it. My doctor was able to prescribe an antihistimine that I took at night that helped reduce the itching and also really helped me sleep. She also prescribed a steroid cream that did eventually clear up the itching (although it took a couple of refills).

The itching recurred several times before I finally figured out that it was a reaction to a new moisturizer I was using (and also possibly a shower gel by the same company). The company--Aveda--is very respectable and uses all natural ingredients, so I never would have dreamed that their products would cause this problem for me, but now that I've stopped using the products, I haven't had an recurrence. It's pretty unusual for me to have a reaction like this but there's clearly something in their products that my skin doesn't like. The last time I remember having a reaction to a skincare product was to Ivory soap and it was when I was a kid.

So you might want to think about whether you've introduced anything new to your skin recently. It could be anything--new shampoo, soap, moisturizer, shower gel, laundry detergent, fabric softener, etc.

I'm so touched by all the responses....you're all so NICE on here!!

I feel pretty downcast and alone, and am also struggling because I have a feeling I have major relationship problems. I've been with my boyfriend 1.5 + years. Hes 22 and I'm 19, finished Uni over a year ago, I'm starting in September. I'm only going about 1 hour away, he has his own car band is happy to drive and see me 1-2 times a week, but I have a bad bad feeling about it.

He already has a seperate existance one hour in the OPPOSITE direction where HIS friends live. He goes to see them every week...but I can see a situation arising whereby he doesnt see ME that much but drives happily the 1.5 hours needed to see THEM. Nothing against his friends, but I feel so sidelined sometimes, or I will do, im sorry im rambling :-(

Sounds like you need to read this book He's just not that into you : the no-excuses truth to understanding guys / Greg Behrendt, Scroll down the page and read the reviews... Don't waste your time with someone who doesn't give you his time.... Just my .02 cents .... and good luck

Hi Emily,

I was in a situation very similar to yours about two years ago...I'd just finished second year of university, and I had to go about six hours away from my family and my boyfriend to work for the summer. I became very socially withdrawn, depressed, started having anxiety problems and was convinced that I was having problems with my relationship. In the end I quit the job and came back home...I ended up seeing a counsellor, was diagnosed with social phobia and a depressive episode, and had a short stint on anti-depressant medication.

So, hugs to you, because I've been there...A couple pieces of advice. As everybody else has already said, seeing a therapist/counsellor might be a good idea...I know that mine was really helpful. Also, in my case the relationship problems I was having with my boyfriend ( it was a lot of "oh, if I go away I'm going to ruin our relationship" and "he's not going to love me anymore") were things that I had created in my head because of my extremely low self-esteem and depression...so I just want to caution you - the things you fear happening in your relationship, do you fear them because that is the kind of guy he is and because he already doesn't treat you well? Or is it because you're feeling bad about yourself right now, and sometimes when that happens we engage in a lot of all or nothing feelings. Just a thought

Anyways, I hope that things look up for you soon...please keep writing, we're all here for you.

Ah...no he IS into me, because he sees me quite a bit, he makes me feel loved, he does what he says he will, he listens to me, and calls and texts and so on, and reaches compromises with me easily.

I just get resentful because of my own issues...I do create them in my own head..I have a lengthy psycho-record!

that of ourse is just my humble opinion, and I dislike selfhelp r/ship books a lot.

That is exactly what I was going through two years ago...I know that there probably isn't much that I can say to help....hang in there, try to do things that make you feel good. We're all here for you. I don't know if this helps, but while it was a really tough time for my boyfriend and I, we got through it and we're still together now.

I'm glad youre still together...hey, I can hope, right?

thank you for all responses

emily
xxx