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I Don't Want to Freak Out Tonight

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Old 11-20-2013, 01:08 PM   #1
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Unhappy I Don't Want to Freak Out Tonight

Sorry, whiney rant ahead . . .

I really can't complain, as my pregnancy has been uneventful so far. No major issues, no gestational diabetes (even though I was high-risk for it), I can still get around fine as I approach 9 months, and until recently I'd been gaining at a pretty healthy, steady rate. Although I've definitely indulged more than before I got pregnant, I still eat healthy overall and have worked my way through fatigue, excess hunger, and outlandish cravings. I've also done my best to stay active and flexible, and can't wait to restart my C25K training (the doctor told me to avoid high-impact until the pregnancy is over).

The doctor stated that it would be acceptable for me to gain 30 pounds for the pregnancy, but given that I was still in the obesity category I was hoping for more like a 20 pound gain (I know I'm no doctor myself, but I did a lot of reading and research over this on my own and felt she had dismissed me with a cookie-cutter answer at the time). I still attend weekly weight loss meetings in order to monitor my gains and simply can't wait to get back into the weight loss game. I was so, so close to finally being out of the obesity category when I found out I was pregnant, and given that I've always been obese or worse as an adult, I've been anxious to make more progress.

I'd mostly been satisfied with my gains. I was at 215 when I conceived, and went down to 210 before I realized I was pregnant. I was back to 215 by the time I saw the doctor, so they started my count from there. Two weeks ago I reached 230 pounds, and I was definitely happy with a 15 pound gain at 34 weeks. Then last week I was at 235 pounds, suddenly making it 20. Not sure what happened there, but I assumed some of it was water weight. I'm due to weigh in tonight, and judging by my home scale I'm probably going to be close to 240 pounds, which will only give me 5 pounds more leeway in this next month before my gains start counting against me again (rules of the meeting).

I know it's probably silly to get wrapped up such numbers at this stage, but is it normal for the scale to jump so much in the last month or so? I sort of feel like I'm going to break down tonight if I find I've gained 10 pounds or more just in the past 2 weeks alone. And lately I've simply had a hard time watching other people in my life bragging about their recent weight loss success; not that I'm not happy for them, but I'd been doing so well before the pregnancy and had just gotten out of plus sizes for the first time in forever. And don't get me wrong as I'm so happy to be having a baby, but it's been frustrating to have to cut off my progress like that. I'll be seeing my doctor tomorrow and can definitely bring up the gains, but I'm pretty sure she'll tell me not to worry. She hasn't focused on my weight at all so it's only discussed whenever I make it a point; she acts like I'm way too way too worked up over it and perhaps I am.

I've vowed to myself that I'd get right back on track as soon as I heal up from the birth but now I'm a little afraid it'll be too difficult and overwhelming. I keep telling myself I want to be an active, healthy mom, and I know an extra 10-20 pounds won't make much of a difference in the grand scheme of things, that I can work on losing it when it's time and that it'll only be a small blip on the radar. But I guess I'm a little afraid of getting depressed and outright derailed. I feel like I've patiently held out for so long as it is, but lately I've has so many days where I hate going out because I'm convinced I look more like a fat lady than a pregnant one. I was doing so well and now I feel completely out of control thanks to the recent numbers. I'm sort of tempted to quit the meetings altogether until sometime after the new year (I'm due December 19th) but I feel like if I don't suck it up and embrace whatever numbers the scale gives me, I'll never find the motivation to get back on track.

It used to be easier. I used to shrug off the gains and managed to continue on my plan simply for the sake of feeling better and being stubborn on my quest. I don't want that to falter just because I'm having trouble holding out until the very end. I know I'll have to many more things to be concerned about once the baby arrives. I'll be a new mom, I'll have more to take care of and look out for, and I'll have to be a good example to him for life.

Heh, I guess I just want a little encouragement and reassurance. I wish my mom was here. And I didn't actually get that upset about any of this until I typed out that last sentence. I was still a teenager when she passed away, and was still in my 20's when I lost my father . . . both to cancer. Which is just another reminder that I really, really need to take care of myself, to do my best to be here for this little guy on the way. I never got to talk to them about what it's like to go through the pregnancies and the birthing process, of what it's like to be a parent . . . and I'll never get to share with them their grandson. I know they wouldn't want me to be sad at such a time but it's downright depressing.

Anyway, thanks for letting me vent or whatever it was that I've been doing here.

* * *

On a lighter note . . .

I got into thrifting in the past few months (mainly to look for maternity clothes) and can't wait to start thrifting for smaller clothes! Heh, I feel a little shallow over that, but for the first time in my life I'm excited about what I can potentially wear while actually being able to afford it. Knowing that I can buy a nice pair jeans for $6 or less when I'm used to paying $30-$60 is mind-blowing, and knowing that those nice jeans won't have to be those ill-fitting, bulky plus-sized ones . . . well, I was a 16 when I got pregnant so we'll see where I'm at in a few months. I'm very suddenly interested in cute boots, cute purses, what colors might look good on me . . . I wasn't even like this as a teenager because my options were so limited due my size. I guess I'm a little afraid . . . of losing that? I'm so, so tired of being the fat girl, and was just getting a taste of normalcy, of being comfortable with being and expressing myself. I don't want to lose the momentum I'd been carrying for so long.
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Old 11-20-2013, 05:31 PM   #2
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I get your fear of gaining back the weight you lost - understandable, but with your current mindset and goals in mind, I don't think you're going to go far out of your comfort gain-range. If you do, you just recognize why and then avoid certain eating habits and then remind yourself you are pregnant, and you need to nourish your baby. I'm just at the beginning of my pregnancy, but I'm already struggling with fears of ballooning up bigger than before (and I haven't even lost that much), but I know if I eat healthy and exercise lightly, things will be okay.

And there's no reason you have to lose the momentum, you can use being a new mom as another push! Good for you for all you've been doing, and don't be so hard on yourself.
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Old 11-20-2013, 05:51 PM   #3
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alot of the weight gain in the last part of pregnancy is the baby itself, ALOT of water and fluids and hormones also....in my experience...the amount of fluids and discharge that your body gets rid of in the weeks after the birth are astounding....i too felt horribly fat in the last weeks of pregnancy....i think you have the right mindset going into this, to create the best healthiest baby possible and then get back on track for weight loss when you are ready...and you might NOT be ready right away....your body has alot of adjusting to do after the birth and you might be exhausted for a very long time...i know i was hang in there!
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Old 11-21-2013, 01:08 AM   #4
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Thanks to both of you! I think it helped me to write this out and especially to get some responses. I'm anticipating some exhaustion early on after the birth and with taking care of the baby, but thankfully I have a good support system at home. I plan to ease back into exercise slowly after about 6 weeks, depending on what kind of birth I have and what kind of recovery I need (I plan on walking and swimming), and one of my early goals for something more intense is to restart C25K on March 5th. I also plan to continue counting calories, going back to where I was during the first trimester for breastfeeding (300 extra calories on top of maintenance to see how it goes), and hope to adjust from there as needed. I think it's important to keep realistic, yet solid goals in mind for the months ahead, even if they're goals that will have to be tweaked as they're approached. I'm really doing my best to think positive here!

Anyway, I weighed in at 240.75 at tonight's meeting and thankfully didn't freak out, but I'm still concerned that in my 25 pound weight gain throughout the entire pregnancy, 10 whole pounds of it is from the past two weeks alone! I'm definitely bringing this up at my checkup tomorrow. Given that I'm obese, over 35, and that this is my first baby, I'm at higher risk for preeclampsia (something my mom had with me), not to mention I'm still at high risk for gestational diabetes; both of these issues have a sudden weight gain as a symptom.

I do hope I'm concerned over nothing; I'll try to update sometime tomorrow after my appointment. I've already got my hospital bag packed tonight just in case.

Thanks again for listening!
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Old 11-21-2013, 09:52 AM   #5
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The last 2 weeks were the worst and yes, babies can have rapid growth spurts.

I gained 40p total. Going into delivery at 184 and leaving at 163. Granted I still had some to lose but a 20p loss overnight worked for me. Don't worry.
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Old 11-21-2013, 10:38 AM   #6
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I was 297 at conception, 303 at delivery and 275 at discharge. My baby was a week overdue and I definitely put on water weight those last 2 weeks - my feet/ankles were very swollen. My daughter was 6 lbs, 9 oz, so she definitely wasn't the bulk of the weight gain! Try to relax and enjoy these last few days
P.S. I bet you will be getting back into an exercise routine way before 6 weeks too.
Congratulations again!
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Old 11-21-2013, 06:16 PM   #7
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Thanks everyone!

My appointment went well, as I immediately felt relieved after finding out my blood pressure is still very normal. I talked to my centering nurse about the gain (not the dismissive doctor) and she explained it's normal to see some jumping on the scale at this stage, but that I should continue to watch the simple carbs and overly-processed foods.

My stomach has definitely grown more in the past few weeks; I can tell the difference in my clothes, and felt shocked every time I caught my reflection while shopping today . . . because wow, I feel like I finally look pregnant instead of just fat.

I'll get through the rest of this in one piece. Only about 28 more days?
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