Sorry, whiney rant ahead . . .
I really can't complain, as my pregnancy has been uneventful so far. No major issues, no gestational diabetes (even though I was high-risk for it), I can still get around fine as I approach 9 months, and until recently I'd been gaining at a pretty healthy, steady rate. Although I've definitely indulged more than before I got pregnant, I still eat healthy overall and have worked my way through fatigue, excess hunger, and outlandish cravings. I've also done my best to stay active and flexible, and can't wait to restart my C25K training (the doctor told me to avoid high-impact until the pregnancy is over).
The doctor stated that it would be acceptable for me to gain 30 pounds for the pregnancy, but given that I was still in the obesity category I was hoping for more like a 20 pound gain (I know I'm no doctor myself, but I did a lot of reading and research over this on my own and felt she had dismissed me with a cookie-cutter answer at the time). I still attend weekly weight loss meetings in order to monitor my gains and simply can't wait to get back into the weight loss game. I was so, so close to finally being out of the obesity category when I found out I was pregnant, and given that I've always been obese or worse as an adult, I've been anxious to make more progress.
I'd mostly been satisfied with my gains. I was at 215 when I conceived, and went down to 210 before I realized I was pregnant. I was back to 215 by the time I saw the doctor, so they started my count from there. Two weeks ago I reached 230 pounds, and I was definitely happy with a 15 pound gain at 34 weeks. Then last week I was at 235 pounds, suddenly making it 20. Not sure what happened there, but I assumed some of it was water weight. I'm due to weigh in tonight, and judging by my home scale I'm probably going to be close to 240 pounds, which will only give me 5 pounds more leeway in this next month before my gains start counting against me again (rules of the meeting).
I know it's probably silly to get wrapped up such numbers at this stage, but is it normal for the scale to jump so much in the last month or so? I sort of feel like I'm going to break down tonight if I find I've gained 10 pounds or more just in the past 2 weeks alone.
And lately I've simply had a hard time watching other people in my life bragging about their recent weight loss success; not that I'm not happy for them, but I'd been doing so well before the pregnancy and had just gotten out of plus sizes for the first time in forever. And don't get me wrong as I'm so happy to be having a baby, but it's been frustrating to have to cut off my progress like that. I'll be seeing my doctor tomorrow and can definitely bring up the gains, but I'm pretty sure she'll tell me not to worry. She hasn't focused on my weight at all so it's only discussed whenever I make it a point; she acts like I'm way too way too worked up over it and perhaps I am.
I've vowed to myself that I'd get right back on track as soon as I heal up from the birth but now I'm a little afraid it'll be too difficult and overwhelming. I keep telling myself I want to be an active, healthy mom, and I know an extra 10-20 pounds won't make much of a difference in the grand scheme of things, that I can work on losing it when it's time and that it'll only be a small blip on the radar. But I guess I'm a little afraid of getting depressed and outright derailed. I feel like I've patiently held out for so long as it is, but lately I've has so many days where I hate going out because I'm convinced I look more like a fat lady than a pregnant one. I was doing so well and now I feel completely out of control thanks to the recent numbers. I'm sort of tempted to quit the meetings altogether until sometime after the new year (I'm due December 19th) but I feel like if I don't suck it up and embrace whatever numbers the scale gives me, I'll never find the motivation to get back on track.
It used to be easier. I used to shrug off the gains and managed to continue on my plan simply for the sake of feeling better and being stubborn on my quest. I don't want that to falter just because I'm having trouble holding out until the very end. I know I'll have to many more things to be concerned about once the baby arrives. I'll be a new mom, I'll have more to take care of and look out for, and I'll have to be a good example to him for life.
Heh, I guess I just want a little encouragement and reassurance. I wish my mom was here.
And I didn't actually get that
upset about any of this until I typed out that last sentence.
I was still a teenager when she passed away, and was still in my 20's when I lost my father . . . both to cancer. Which is just another reminder that I really, really need to take care of myself, to do my best to be here for this little guy on the way. I never got to talk to them about what it's like to go through the pregnancies and the birthing process, of what it's like to be a parent . . . and I'll never get to share with them their grandson. I know they wouldn't want me to be sad at such a time but it's downright depressing.
Anyway, thanks for letting me vent or whatever it was that I've been doing here.
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On a lighter note . . .
I got into thrifting in the past few months (mainly to look for maternity clothes) and can't wait to start thrifting for smaller clothes! Heh, I feel a little shallow over that, but for the first time in my life I'm excited about what I can potentially wear while actually being able to afford it. Knowing that I can buy a nice pair jeans for $6 or less when I'm used to paying $30-$60 is mind-blowing, and knowing that those nice jeans won't have to be those ill-fitting, bulky plus-sized ones . . . well, I was a 16 when I got pregnant so we'll see where I'm at in a few months.
I'm very suddenly interested in cute boots, cute purses, what colors might look good on me . . . I wasn't even like this as a teenager because my options were so limited due my size. I guess I'm a little afraid . . . of losing that? I'm so, so tired of being the fat girl, and was just getting a taste of normalcy, of being comfortable with being and expressing myself. I don't want to lose the momentum I'd been carrying for so long.