PCOS/Insulin Resistance SupportSupport for us with any of the following: Insulin Resistance, Syndrome X, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, or other endocrine disorders.
WHAT'S BLACK AND BLUE AND BROWN AND LAYING IN A DITCH?
A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes.
WHAT DO YOU CALL GOING ON A BLIND DATE WITH A BRUNETTE?
Brown-bagging it.
WHAT'S THE REAL REASON A BRUNETTE KEEPS HER FIGURE?
No one else wants it.
WHY ARE SO MANY BLONDE JOKES ONE-LINERS?
So brunettes can remember them.
WHAT DO YOU CALL A BRUNETTE IN A ROOM FULL OF BLONDES?
Invisible.
WHAT'S A BRUNETTE'S MATING CALL?
"Has the blonde left yet? "
WHY DIDN'T INDIANS SCALP BRUNETTES?
The hair from a buffalo's butt was more manageable.
WHY IS THE BRUNETTE CONSIDERED AN EVIL COLOR?
When was the last time you saw a blonde witch?
WHAT DO BRUNETTES MISS MOST ABOUT A GREAT PARTY?
The invitation
WHAT DO YOU CALL A GOOD LOOKING MAN WITH A BRUNETTE?
A hostage
WHO MAKES BRAS FOR BRUNETTES?
Fisher-Price
WHY ARE BRUNETTES SO PROUD OF THEIR HAIR?
It matches their mustache.
DAD SAYS: Ah, well, my son, one day you will need to find out anyway!
Mom and Dad got together in a chat room on MSN. Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cybercafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from dad's memory stick.
As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.
Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed little virus appeared. And that's the story.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ In General...
1. Never take a beer to an interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you're included in the will, it's rude to drive a U-haul to the funeral.
Dining Out...
1. When decanting the wine from the box, make sure you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to 'bruise' the fruit of the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your hands.
Entertaining In Your Home...
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are.
Personal Hygiene...
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this job should be done in private using one's own truck keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of money.
3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no- no, as they tend to distract from a woman's jewelry, and alter the taste of finger foods
Dating (outside the family)...
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be assertive, Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff on the bathroom walls two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM. Others might say "Monday," If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
Theater Etiquette...
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to the characters on the screen. Tests have proven that they can't hear you.
Weddings...
1. Livestock, usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds might get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
Driving Etiquette...
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires does not always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral prossession.
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she could say a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel that you have on."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story:
If you share important financial information with your spouse in a timely manner, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson #2
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a ride. She accepted, got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. Changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
Once again the priest apologized, "Sorry, Sister, but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way.
Upon his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up Psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson #3
A sales representative, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually grant only three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.
In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas, and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson #4
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered: "Sure, why not?"
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow and rested. All of a sudden a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing at work, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson #5
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was, proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was then spotted by a passing hunter who promptly shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Manure might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Lesson #6
In Africa, every morning a gazelle awakens knowing that it must outrun the fastest lion if it wants to stay alive.
Every morning, a lion wakes up knowing it must run faster than the slowest gazelle or it will starve to death.
Moral of the story:
It makes no difference whether you are a gazelle or a lion: When the sun comes up, you had better be hauling ***.
A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall asleep quickly.... he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to
get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend
that we're married."
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.
One wet and windy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
"Oh, my God!" she yelled to her lover, "Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"
"I can't jump out the window," came the strangled reply from beneath
the sheets, "It's raining out there!"
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied,
"He's got a very quick temper and a very large gun; the r ain is the least
of your problems!"
So the boyfriend scooted out of bed, grabbed his clothes, and jumped
out of the window. As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's
annual marathon. So he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to
blend in as best he could. After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.
"Oh, yes!" he replied, gasping for air, "It feels so wonderfully free!"
Another runner moved alongside, "Do you always run carrying your
clotheswith you under your arm?"
"Oh, yes," he answered breathlessly, "That way I can get dressed
right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, "Do
you always wear a condom when you run?"
The lady, was a Southern Baptist who attended services and taught Sunday School every week. On one Sunday, an out-of-town acquaintance, a gent, was in the pew right behind her and he noted what a fine looking woman she was.
While they were taking up the collection, the man leaned forward and said, "Hey, how about you and I having dinner on Tuesday?" "Why Yes, that would be nice," the lady responded.
Well, the gent couldn't believe his luck. On Tuesday he picked the lady
up and took her to the finest restaurant in that part of South Carolina.
When they sat down, the gent looked over at her and suggested, "Would you like a cocktail before dinner?" "Oh, no," said our circumspect fine
example of southern womanhood, "What ever would I tell my Sunday School class?"
Well, our gent was setback a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner.
When he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and asked, "Would you like a
smoke?"
"Oh my!, goodness no," said the woman "I couldn't face my Sunday School
class if I did?"
Well, our boy felt pretty low after that, so they left, got in his car and as he was driving the lady home, they passed the local Holiday Inn. He'd been morally rebuffed twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose so he ventured forth with, "Ahhh ..ummmm how would you like to stop at this motel?"
"Sure, that would be nice," she said in anticipation. The gent couldn't believe his ears, and did a fast U-turn right then and there and drove back to the motel and checked in.
The next morning after a wild and passionate night, the gent awoke first. He looked at the lovely Dixie darling lying there in the bed and with remorse thought, "What the **** have I done?
He shook her awake and pleaded, "I've got to ask you one thing, What ever are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"
The lady gave him a lecherously tempting smile and said, "The same thing I always tell them... "You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time!
WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT? (taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)
Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of her own. They like other people's.
A grandfather is a man grandmother.
randparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the store and have lots of quarters for us.
When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.
They show us and talk to us about the color of the flowers and also Why we shouldn't step on "cracks."
They don't say, "Hurry up."
Usually grandmothers are fat, but not too fat to tie your shoes.
They wear glasses and funny underwear.
They can take their teeth and gums out.
Grandparents don't have to be smart.
They have to answer questions like "why isn't God married?" and "How come dogs chase cats?".
When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.
Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television, because they are the only grown ups who like to spend time with us.
They know we should have snack-time before bedtime and they say prayers with us every time, and kiss us even when we've acted bad.
A 6 YEAR OLD WAS ASKED WHERE HIS GRANDMA LIVED. ''OH,'' HE SAID, ''SHE LIVES AT THE AIRPORT, AND WHEN WE WANT HER WE JUST GO GET HER. THEN WHEN WE'RE DONE HAVING HER VISIT, WE TAKE HER BACK TO THE AIRPORT.
Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom.
Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Bea had flipped or something...!!!
When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer. "Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" (pointing to the bowl).
"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know... I haven't had a cold all winter!!
A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
He said, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"
She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex."
The researcher was a little taken aback.
He said, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"
The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."
Bubba and Earl were in the local bar enjoying a beer when they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop.
The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize. Earl won 1st prize, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long
spaghetti.
Bubba won 6th prize, a toilet brush.
About a week or so had passed when the men met back in the neighborhood bar for a couple of beers. Bubba asked Earl how he liked his prize, to which Earl replied, "Great, I love spaghetti! How about you, how's that toilet brush?"
"Not so good," replied Bubba, "I reckon I'm gonna go back to paper..."
A young boy asks his father, "Dad, is it OK for us guys to notice all the different kind of boobs?"
Surprised, the father answers, "Well, sure son, we wouldn't be normal if we didn't. There are all kinds of breasts depending on a woman's age.. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions, Dad?"
"Yeah, you see them and they make you cry."
Not to be outdone, his sister asks her mother, "Mom, how many
kind of weenies are there?"
The mother, delighted to have equal time, answers, "Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, a man's weenie is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
"How about that, A Christmas tree?"
"Yep, dried up and the balls are only there for decoration."
When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.
No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea." Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big @$#% he always was."
An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . please advise." The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"
When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
I said, "Well, then why are you crying?" She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.
I said, "Well, why are you crying?" She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m." I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?" She said, "I can't remember where I live!"
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
#20 - No matter how much whiskey you've had, you can still Fish.
#19 - A limp rod is still useful while Fishing.
#18 - You don't have to hide your Fishing magazines.
#17 - It is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to Fish with
you once in a while.
#16 - The Ten Commandments don't say anything against Fishing.
#15 - If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you Fishing, you don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet if you become famous.
#14 - Your Fishing partner doesn't get upset about people you Fished
with long ago.
#13 - It's perfectly respectable to Fish with a total stranger.
#12 - When you see a really good Fishing person, you don't have to
feel guilty about imagining the two of you Fishing together.
#11 - If your regular Fishing partner isn't available, he/she won't
object if you Fish with someone else.
#10 - Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you Fish by
yourself.
#9 - When dealing with a Fishing pro, you never have to wonder if
they are really an undercover cop.
#8 - You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood to
buy Fishing stuff.
#7 -You can have a Fishing calendar on your wall at the office, tell Fishing jokes, and invite coworkers to Fish with you without getting sued for Fishing harassment.
#6 - There are no Fishing-transmitted diseases.
#5 - If you want to watch Fishing on television, you don't have to
subscribe to the Playboy channel.
#4 - Nobody expects you to Fish with the same partner for the rest of your life.
#3 - Nobody expects you to give up Fishing if your partner loses
interest in it.
#2 - You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily to
enjoy your favorite activity.
#1 - Your Fishing partner will never say, "Not again? We just Fished
last week! Is Fishing all you ever think about?"
And...Blonde's Revenge!!
How Was I Born...Internet Style...
What Is A Grandparent??
Hillarious Signs!!
