[Noodles913]

1. Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.

2. Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.

3. Can't work in a pharmacy because the bottles won't fit into the typewriter.

4. Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years"

5. Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.

6. Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button.

7. When asked what the capital of California was; answered "C".

8. Burnt her nose bobbing for French fries.

9. Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.

10. Can't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets.

11. Hates M&M's because they are so hard to peel.

12. Got hurt while raking leaves; fell out of the tree.

13. Changes the baby's diaper only once a month because the label said "good up to 20 pounds"

14. After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.

15. What goes vroom-screech-vroom-screech', etc? A blonde at a flashing red light.

[Noodles913]

On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.


One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"



For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.


Then an Italian man stands up in the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt.....


.......One button at a time.


.......No one moves.


.......He removes his shirt.


.......Muscles ripple across his chest.


.......She gasps.


.......He whispers:


"Iron this, and get me something to eat."

[Noodles913]

My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the
Veterinarian who found that the problem was hair in its ears.

He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.

The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from happening again she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover.

At the register the druggist tells her: "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady says: "I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady says: "I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The druggist says:
"Stay off your bicycle for a week!"

[Noodles913]

Check out this cat!! This is my aunts next-door neighbors cat.

[Noodles913]

According to a news report, a certain school in Haileybury, Ontario, was recently faced with a unique problem.

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the washroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. He called all the girls to the washroom and met them there with the maintenance man. He explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, he sked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He ook out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mrror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

THE MORAL OF THIS STORY...
There are teachers, and then there are Educators.

[JEO1982]

Be sure you lock your doors and windows at home. It was reported in the news that a man was found murdered in his home over the weekend.

Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bath tub. The tub had been filled with milk and corn flakes, and a banana was sticking out of his rear end.

Police suspect a cereal killer.

[JEO1982]

Joe decides to take his boss Phil to play 9 holes on their lunch. While both men are playing excellent they are often held up by two women in front of them moving at a very slow pace. Joe offers to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up a bit. He gets about half of the way there stops and jogs back.

His boss asks what the problem is. "Well one of those women is my wife and the other my mistress," complained Joe. Phil just shook his head at Joe and started toward the women determined to finish his round of golf. Preparing to ask the ladies to speed up their game, he too stopped short and turned around.

Joe asked, "what's wrong?"

"It's a small, small world Joe, and you're fired"

[Noodles913]

Good ones, Jenn!!

[Noodles913]

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER:

1.. Sag, you're It.
2.. Hide and go pee.
3.. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4.. Kick the bucket
5.. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6.. Musical recliners.
7.. Simon says something incoherent.
8.. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.

SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:

a.. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
b.. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
c.. You change your underwear after a sneeze.

OLD IS WHEN:

1.. Going! bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2.. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't
have to go along.
3.. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.
4.. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5.. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!
6.. A Friend Is Like A Good Bra..
a.. Hard to Find
b.. Supportive
c.. Comfortable
d.. And Always Close To Your Heart!

[Noodles913]

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says,

"What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor." She asks,

"How often do I have to do that?"

[Noodles913]

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he
could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

[Noodles913]

There's this blonde out for a walk.

She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.

"Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and
shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

[Noodles913]

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said,

"We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot!

You'll burn up!" said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

[Noodles913]

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.

It was her turn.

She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.

Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

[Noodles913]

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"HelOOOooo," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"