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Shes pregnant....AGAIN?!!?

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Old 05-08-2013, 10:04 AM   #1
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Default Shes pregnant....AGAIN?!!?

So one of my closests friends just told me this morning that she was expecting... again! She had her first baby last year & now she's having another one. How can I be excited for her?? Having PCOS, i'm not fertile, nor do I know if i will ever have kids & shes on number 2.

I don't know what makes me angrier, the insensitivity to my condition - or the fact that she is so young and just keeps getting pregnant. I mean i understand, its not her fault that I have PCOS, but the way she goes about it just irks me..

Does anyone else ever feel like this??
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Old 05-08-2013, 10:17 AM   #2
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There aren't enough hugs in my computer for you.

I don't have PCOS but I have endometrial cancer and am trying so hard to get pregnant before September (I have to have a hysterectomy at that time). I'm on a strict time line to try and conceive on my own plus going through fertility treatments (having issues with eggs and hormones now) and only have 4 months left to go. I got my TOM on Monday (a week early) thinking this could be my lucky month and now going to the fertility doctor tomorrow for more tests.

The anger and jealousy I get inside when I hear of pregnancy is awful. I mean, I'm happy for the family and of course for a new baby to be expected but I really do think "When is it my turn to do that??". And I cry. And I cry. And I cry.

When I was first diagnosed with my cancer and told I'd probably never have a baby or be pregnant, I had to go back to my OB/GYN for a blood test for something else. I swear up and down to you, there had to be 9 newborn babies in the lobby waiting with their new mothers for their wellness check. I cried and cried then too. So when I asked the tech if it was bring your new baby to the lobby day, she offered for me to sit on the bench down the hall and I could wait there if I wanted to. UM WHAT? Sit in a lonely hallway all by myself to cry? I guess there was really no other option (either sit with the babies or don't and I'm not sure there was even an answer I would have been happy with) but I was just so so so sad.

I'm so hopeful that I might have a miracle on the way in the next 4 months, my doctors are amazing and if anyone can do it, it's going to be them. But if not, I will have some really hard years ahead of me with all the babies that cross my path.

More hugs just because I love hugs. I'm sorry you are going through this. I know that feeling in my stomach I get when I get the news of a new baby. You are so not alone.
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Old 05-08-2013, 10:46 AM   #3
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Thank you elvis, thank you very much

I'm so sorry to hear the pain you are going through! I believe that anything is possible!! And your hope is inspiring. I wish you all the best!!

And it really is the worst feeling in the world, because no one around us understands - I mean i'm sure they really don't know what to say, but saying nothing is better than saying, I'm just so fertile! I watch tv shows with babies and tear up, i read infertility stories and bawl my eyes out. And the feeling in your stomach, the knot, the nausea is just horrible. And the amount of times i've rolled my eyes, i'm suprised they haven't fell out!!

Thanks for the hugs and such kind words!!
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Old 05-08-2013, 05:02 PM   #4
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Try not to think of it as a competition. Sure, she's on baby #2, and heck, at the rate she's going, she might be the one to pop out 19 kids and counting. Would you want to take care of all those kids?

In time, that same friend will be jealous of YOU not having children and having the freedom to do what you want.

I know, not exactly the situation you want to find yourself in, but until that blessed event arrives, you gotta think more positively about things.

I don't have children, but I'm hoping to lose weight this year and then try to get pregnant next year by using a sperm bank. I'm 34 so there's not a lot of time for me to be chasing down Mr. Slowwwww....

I've also told myself this...if I don't have children, I can adopt. I'm fine either way so it's a conversation and a peace of mind that you need to have within you as to what you can settle for if things don't happen the way you want it to.
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Old 05-08-2013, 05:33 PM   #5
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I'm very sorry to hear this. I couldn't image what you (or elvislover) would be going through. I'm young, 23, and I'd love to have kids one day. The thought of having that taken away is earth shattering and I'm so very sorry to hear that. My heart goes out to you and God will bless you in ways unimaginable.

About your furstrations, as much as its' hard.. you're going to need to find a way to deal with your anger or feelings of upset. Because unfortunately, seeing babies or new mothers won't ever stop. And for YOUR OWN health, it'd be best to find a stress management plan so you don't either derail your journey, have built up anger or anything else. Finding a good way to deal with things like this are difficult, but it's so worth it.

I was a miracle baby. There was such a slim chance that I would be conceived, let alone healthy and functional. But here I am.

My mom went on to have another child, and he was stillborn at 8 months. The first appointment they found out, the doctors automatically scheduled her for an abortion-- to which she went POSTAL. She continued to carry him full term praying for him to be a miracle baby too. And unfortunately he wasn't in the sense that he's not here. But she was still blessed with that miracle.

Will pray for you in getting through hurdles like this, and for the chance to have your own.
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Old 05-14-2013, 12:30 PM   #6
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I'm in a weird phase right now with the whole fertility thing.

When I was 15, I was told I probably couldn't/shouldn't have kids because I am epileptic, and the medications that I was one would result in birth defects, still births, etc. Not to mention that having seizures while pregnant can cause miscarriage etc. (though they've now found that miscarriage due to seizure is not as common as most people thing).

When I was 23, after an array of different medications and treatments, I was told that the medications I am on are safe for fetuses (slightly higher chance of birth defects etc. but very slight, like 3%) and that if I wanted to get pregnant, it was safe for me to, as long as I was being monitored by an OBGYN and my neurologist.

Now, at 24, I find out I am once again not able to get pregnant, because I am infertile due to PCOS (Which is a combo of genetics, and some of the medications I was on while I was a teenager). It's all really confusing because I felt like I had come to terms with the fact that I would have to adopt if I ever wanted children, and then it all changed and I thought that I could get pregnant, and I started to adjust to that idea, and feeling normal, and sort of excited that I have the option.

And of course, then I found this out. It's almost worse because they made me think I could. Now I'm trying to deal with PCOS, and I know there is still a chance that someday I can get pregnant, but it's much slimmer than most women.

I'm lucky to be with someone who can accept that I likely won't have children (even though he has always wanted to have kids), and that he is open to adoption and other methods.

But yes, it is hard.
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Old 05-14-2013, 12:42 PM   #7
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The sad truth of struggling with your fertility is that you're going to hurt a little when your friends get pregnant. And your friends will get pregnant. You said you were angry about her insensitivity to your condition. Did you mean that you didn't want her to tell you? Because I think tiptoeing around you will eventually make you angrier in the end. If she wants children and wants them close together, she can't put her life on hold to protect your feeling.

I spent a lot of time being very angry that being a mother was probably not an option for me. The anger did more damage to my health and well being than anything else. It takes time, but eventually, you have to let it go.
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Old 05-14-2013, 01:28 PM   #8
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What does she say and/or do that is insensitive? Is it that she makes a big deal about how she is so happy? Do you you feel like she is kinda rubbing your nose in the fact that you haven't been able to conceive yet?
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Old 05-14-2013, 02:18 PM   #9
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Originally Posted by joefla70 View Post
What does she say and/or do that is insensitive? Is it that she makes a big deal about how she is so happy? Do you you feel like she is kinda rubbing your nose in the fact that you haven't been able to conceive yet?
I think it might just be the fact that she's pregnant and people like the OP (and me) are just highly emotional about our current status and fears. Some people don't know what to say in front of us (and I totally get it) so they act like our "problem" doesn't exist.

For example, my mom was showing me pictures of my recently married cousin who had a baby just after her first wedding anniversary. I burst into tears. I can tell you that my mom is FULLY aware of my cancer and my fertility issues and wouldn't hurt my feelings on purpose for anything in the world. I don't think she thought she was doing anything wrong (and she wasn't!). Was she supposed to hide the picture of the new baby? Of course not! And a year ago, I would have been begging to see the pictures and oohing and aahing over them. This past year, it brings out all of my regrets, the fact that my mom may not ever have my baby's pictures to share with anyone, the fact that I'll be in menopause the same time my mom is going through it, all kinds of weird reactions and emotions.

I don't think this really has anything to do with the OP's friend per se. (I'm not speaking for the OP of course!)
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Old 05-14-2013, 02:35 PM   #10
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It is hard to know what to do or say when you're the pregnant one and you know your friends are going through primary or secondary infertility.

I had two close friends whose child was older than my first and they were both trying to get pregnant again. I got pregnant with my second--and neither of them was ever able to have a second child.

I didn't want to rub their noses in anything or hurt them for the world, but I also didn't want to withdraw from them completely and hurt our relationship by not communicating.

There isn't a single easy answer--and the OP's friend may not know the right thing to do to handle the juxtaposition of her joy and her friend's sense of loss and understandable envy. I find it useful in those kind of situations to address the situation head-on "I'm happy you're pregnant again, but it's also hard for me, because I'd like to be, and I won't ever be able to be. I need <time, space, not to talk about it for a while> to help me process this."

Good luck.
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Old 05-14-2013, 02:41 PM   #11
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Infertility is super tough. It makes weight loss look like a walk in the park. I'd lose 100 pounds three times over rather than go through that.

But (for those of us that live in the US, at least), there are always options. Some are not cheap (you can spot an infertile couple by the car they drive) and for some couples there will not be an outcome they would have originally hoped for, but ten years on you won't notice the difference (although the scar will always stay with you).

Your kids will be your kids whether conceived naturally, via IVF, via donor sperm, via donor eggs, via donor sperm and eggs, via surrogate or via adoption.

It's tough, but they will be your kids. GOAL.

Like with weightloss you just need to screw what other people think. It really does not matter. And it don't matter what other people are doing either, including those that have kids again and again on your watch.
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Old 05-14-2013, 03:04 PM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by elvislover324 View Post
I think it might just be the fact that she's pregnant and people like the OP (and me) are just highly emotional about our current status and fears. Some people don't know what to say in front of us (and I totally get it) so they act like our "problem" doesn't exist.

For example, my mom was showing me pictures of my recently married cousin who had a baby just after her first wedding anniversary. I burst into tears. I can tell you that my mom is FULLY aware of my cancer and my fertility issues and wouldn't hurt my feelings on purpose for anything in the world. I don't think she thought she was doing anything wrong (and she wasn't!). Was she supposed to hide the picture of the new baby? Of course not! And a year ago, I would have been begging to see the pictures and oohing and aahing over them. This past year, it brings out all of my regrets, the fact that my mom may not ever have my baby's pictures to share with anyone, the fact that I'll be in menopause the same time my mom is going through it, all kinds of weird reactions and emotions.

I don't think this really has anything to do with the OP's friend per se. (I'm not speaking for the OP of course!)
That is what I am wondering about. The way OP said "I don't know what makes me angrier, the insensitivity to my condition - or the fact that she is so young and just keeps getting pregnant. I mean i understand, its not her fault that I have PCOS, but the way she goes about it just irks me.." makes me think that its both. (i.e., that she not only is bothered by the fact that her friend is able to conceive so easily and often, but that there is something overt that she does that is insensitive.

I'm guessing that, either way, the friend is not doing this on purpose, or else OP would not be friends with her. Who needs friends like that? But, it seems as if the friend is doing something. But I agree with you that it could be something as simple as just acting overly excited about the pregnancy in the presence of OP.
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Started out at 405.5 on 7/31/12. Then lost 156 lbs to get down to 249.5 by 7/31/13. In the past year I have put back on over 40 pounds and reached a high of 291.5. But I have recommitted myself and quickly took off ten pounds by 7/31/14. I am now trying to take off the weight I put back on, and then lose the rest of the weight I was originally trying to lose. ---- Starting weight / Low weight / Current Weight / Goal Weight
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Old 05-14-2013, 03:07 PM   #13
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But people get pregnant. That is the basis of the human condition. Yeah, it hurts if you are infertile. But....?

I spent nights upon nights upon nights sitting with my my wife crying over instances like this and there is jack you can do about it but focus on what you need to do. So put on a brave face. And turn the other cheek.
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Old 05-14-2013, 03:13 PM   #14
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Quote:
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Yeah, it hurts if you are infertile. But.... there is jack you can do about it but focus on what you need to do. So put on a brave face. And turn the other cheek.
I'm pretty sure that's not how its done!
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Started out at 405.5 on 7/31/12. Then lost 156 lbs to get down to 249.5 by 7/31/13. In the past year I have put back on over 40 pounds and reached a high of 291.5. But I have recommitted myself and quickly took off ten pounds by 7/31/14. I am now trying to take off the weight I put back on, and then lose the rest of the weight I was originally trying to lose. ---- Starting weight / Low weight / Current Weight / Goal Weight
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Old 05-14-2013, 03:16 PM   #15
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Let's just say that was how I would have liked it to have been done!
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