About losing and gaining...
...not weight, but faith.
This isn't something I've felt comfortable posting about anywhere else. My blog is solely about my weight loss journey, and I feel somewhat iffy about posting about religion there. And the one message board that I post on that isn't here is a very secular board. Religion in general isn't really well-received. And I'm mostly okay with that, since I'm about as agnostic as they come.
Growing up, I was pretty much agnostic, too. We didn't really discuss religion in my family. My mom's a lapsed Catholic, and I'm pretty sure my dad's been an atheist since before I was born. When I was about 13, I started to get more interested in Catholicism; I'd always been interested in mythology, and religion seemed a natural outgrowth of that. I also read the entire Bible cover to cover.
I decided to go through the RCIA, which is the whole baptism/confirmation in one shot thing, when I was 14. But, really, even towards the end of the process, I felt like I really couldn't reconcile the theology with my own personal beliefs regarding right and wrong. And paganism--specifically, self-taught eclectic Wicca--felt more right. And so I identified as pagan instead.
That lasted about 10 years, until I was 24. I got it in my head to research the origins of the faith, and...really, for me, examining anything too closely ruins it. And, moreover, I never really felt connected to any local pagans. I never put much stock in magic, and really thought of the religion as more theological and natural than as a vehicle for ritual and magic. This didn't really mesh very well with any of the other pagans I knew. Basically, one day I realized that I didn't really believe in any of it anymore. And so...agnostic again.
The thing is, though, lately I've been feeling a lot of the old feelings stirring again. The archetypes, the changing of the seasons. I've been feeling the same sort of emotional connection to them that I once did, and I have no idea of how to deal with that, really. I don't know that I believe, and I know I'll never know anything, but I just...I feel something.
So I put it out here, because I have no idea where else to put it.