Today has been really rough. I've got so many feelings that I'm having to feel. I'm not coping with them with food or alcohol or anything else compulsively. I'm feeling all of them.
I've been dealing with loneliness since I became abstinent 5 months ago. I used to eat to deal with it. Now, I feel lonely a lot. It's really frustrating to be doing all the things that I'm supposed to: working the steps, abstinent, calling my sponsor, going to meetings, turning everything over to my higher power. I'm also allowing my body to be healthy by exercising and losing 40 lbs. I look amazing, but I'm still lonely. I'm still not happy.
I spent the day with my husband and daughter and may as well have been on another planet. I don't feel connnected to them.
I made a good choice yesterday. I wanted to crawl into a bag of chips, but instead I called a friend and made plans for tomorrow. That was awesome. But, I still feel rotten.
I talked to someone from my OA group tonight, and she told me that it's part of the process. We all go through it. There's so much crap that we stuffed down with food for so long, that now that we're feeling it, it's new and scary and awful. Part of the process is figuring out what it is that we are feeling. She said that it's okay to feel this--it's okay to be right where I am. It will get better, and I'm not eating over it.
I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of feeling lonely. I'm tired of wanting to hide from my family. I want to get my needs met through them. Why is that so hard?
I could so easily run away tonight. I could go somewhere where I don't have to work so hard at being a wife, a mom, and a daughter. I want to go where someone is interested in me, will hold my hand, and laugh with me.
This day can't be over soon enough. God I hope that tomorrow is better.