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Every day feels like day 1... again and again and again

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Old 03-29-2013, 09:19 AM   #1
I'm on Day 2- 3/30/13
 
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Unhappy Every day feels like day 1... again and again and again

This is not a pity party - it is just putting me in my place. And I think that's a good thing because I'm gaining weight, I'm over-eating, and I'm noticing my body- at the age of 27 years.. almost 28 - is starting to show health issues (on top of knowing that heart disease and cancer run in my family). I know my Higher Power (and have known Him for years now), I know I battle depression and anxiety, and I know how to eat healthy food and I'm a decent cook too.

But I'm not turning to my HP to deal with stuff. I'm abusing the idea of taking "one day at a time" thinking I can fail today and tomorrow I'll have a new chance... to fail. I have the tools to exercise and I don't use them. All I want to do around my loved ones is eat and when I'm alone I'm panicky about OMG what am I going to eat? Am I going to over eat? How many calories? How much fat?

I've gone from a size 5-7 as a teen to a size 14 in like 10 years. I've doubled. I feel disgusting- although my husband always tells me how beautiful I look. I know my spirit isn't disgusting but I want my body to be healthy in order to match my spirit. I do not need to be a size 7 again... I want to be a healthy weight of around 160 lbs (I'm about 210 lbs right now).

So this is day 1... I'm not really hopeful that tomorrow will be day 2.
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Old 03-29-2013, 05:35 PM   #2
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I'm much older than you and have started the Day 1 thing countless times over many years. It finally clicked a few years ago and I am out of the obsession but while you are in the throes of it - well - it truly sucks. Your mind is not your own it seems. In terms of the "One Day at a Time" concept - I don't see it as a restart mechanism. I was taught that it means you don't freak out about never ever abusing food again. You concentrate on the little slice of today that is in front of you and respect your body for today. Then you get up and do it again the next day. You string those together and create the necklace of your new (and vastly improved) life. From an OA perspective you may want to branch out into the service concept. When we are thinking about others and being of service we get out of ourselves and that crazy loop of food food food can be shut down. Not easy- but there is hope. Hang in there!
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Old 03-30-2013, 07:42 AM   #3
I'm on Day 2- 3/30/13
 
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Thank you, Tommy. A few hours after posting this my beloved cat that I've had for 5 years suddenly started having seizures- he passed away about 12 hours later and we have no clue why (we went to 2 vets and they're still trying to figure it out).

I haven't eaten since 10 am- I was holding out for dinner and then all the drama took place so zero appetite. This is not how I wanted to get to Day 2.

I lost my Grandmother in January, lost half my family after her death because of her estate issues, and now my cat. 2013 has been a horrible year for me so far. I have a strong faith in God- but right now I'm not enjoying these crosses He's asked me to carry.
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Old 03-30-2013, 12:30 PM   #4
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So sorry to hear about your losses. These are the times when having a good support network in the recovery community is a blessing. It may sound like a cliche - but also remember that you have to take care of yourself (as in nutrition) in order to be of any use to others or yourself. How you get through this all will help someone else when they face major challenges. ((((HUGS))) (Oh - I am a girl- Tommy is my tortoise)

Last edited by tommy : 03-30-2013 at 12:31 PM.
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Old 03-30-2013, 07:46 PM   #5
I'm on Day 2- 3/30/13
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tommy View Post
So sorry to hear about your losses. These are the times when having a good support network in the recovery community is a blessing. It may sound like a cliche - but also remember that you have to take care of yourself (as in nutrition) in order to be of any use to others or yourself. How you get through this all will help someone else when they face major challenges. ((((HUGS))) (Oh - I am a girl- Tommy is my tortoise)
Idk I think I'm pushing myself too hard today- it has only been about 24+ hours since Buddha got sick and all the drama started~ he's been passed for a little over 12 hours- and I'm pushing myself to be okay. Which is really stupid- a person can't limit their mourning time.

I hear ya about taking care of myself for the sake of caring for my husband and helping my younger cat through this. Boo was his best friend- his buddy. Thankfully for most of this day we've been flip flopping on who is crying and upset- I'll start and he'll help me, then he'll start and I will help him. I can't watch my younger cat walking around the apartment and looking for her brother~ I know she will be okay but it just sucks right now.

Thankfully I have had ZERO appetite for the last 2 days, so woo hoo. This might sound bad, but it's a good thing: normally I'm pigging out when I'm stressed. I made sure I had breakfast and dinner today- but I'm really dehydrated I can tell so I need to keep that in mind. I'm aware that the COE might take over with the stress and grief, especially when I go back to work on Tuesday (I've been off for 2 weeks on spring break), so I'm going to talk about my husband on helping me stick to some healthy eating plans and to encourage me to go to an online OA meeting if I need it. I can be a complete "blah" person and he can motivate me to do something~ even if it means dragging me to the computer and getting me to the OA meeting site.

Thanks for the responses
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Old 04-29-2013, 03:59 PM   #6
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I read your post and I can relate so well. I am a "I'll Start Monday" girl. I start out fine, then something happens and I say oh well I will just keep eating and start over Monday.

I get inspired I get motivated but I always end up sabotaging myself.

Today my co-worker who probably weighs 110 was talking about loosing weight. It just makes me feel worse about myself instead of making me motivated to loose.

I started a new plan today of course it it only 4pm so I am starting to feel the hunger pains. But Im going to try to stick with it!!

Im not sure what it takes to stick with it. But I know i have to start somewhere

I have lost/gained my entire life.
I know I will never be skinny but I want to feel better about myself. I need too.
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