I think it started when i was a kid; my mom would always monitor what my sisters and I ate, and make comments about how "you dont need that" or "thats not a good choice" and then I would feel horrible and awkward and guilty for even wanting it in the first place. She did the same thing at dinner. If any of us went back for seconds, she would say something like "you dont want to do that" or "don't you want to lose weight?". Nothing abusive or mean, just helpful motherly advice, but it always really embarrassed me when she did it in front of my one sister, who was 4 years younger than me and could eat anything she want (her metabolism crashed last year, like it does with everybody in my family when they hit puberty, and shes been packing on #s ever since).
She always tried to feed me and my sisters healthy, which I resented. While all the other kids in my class had cookies and chips at snack time, I had an apple or a granola bar. I would rejoice when I went to the home of a genetically thin friend, because eating healthy usually wasnt something that their parents worried about and so they always had good food around. I always got more excited over food than anybody else I knew.
I can still remember being 11 years old and going on an overnight to an amusement park with my girl scout troupe. My mother warned me that, if she asked my leader if i'd overeaten on the trip and she said that I did, I would never be allowed to go away with my troupe again because it meant that I couldnt be trusted with food. So i got a giant bag of chocolate while I was there, and ate it in the bathroom while everybody was asleep.
So, when I was allowed to go up to the local stores/bring my own money at lunch, i would use it to binge eat on candy and chips and ice cream and the stuff that was forbidden in my home. I brought it under control when I was about 15, by purging after a binge. When i was 16, I went off to Germany. Then my binge-eating kicked up again. I would stuff myself with chocolate, cakes, cookies, candy, baked goods, anything that I could find. However, because of my host family, I was unable to get time alone to purge, so i put on almost 30 lbs. On top of that, i started to drink and to smoke weed (weed makes me crave a binge like mad).
Now at 18, I have accepted the fact that I will never have a normal relationship with food, and therefor need to make it as little a part of my life as possible. I have lost 40lbs almost, and am down to my lowest weight ever (185, and I'm 5'9).
I've never really admitted this to anybody before. in fact, not even to myself. I've always equated being overweight to having "****ty genetics". in reality, I now see that I have probably normal genetics, and that just because there are people out there who can eat a billion calories and not gain an OZ, it doesnt give me an excuse to eat whatever I want and be fat because I dont have that kind of metabolism.
To be honest, I don't think that's just "motherly advice". In a sense, yes, it's meant well but it is a form of abuse. It's extremely unhealthy that she threatened to not allow you to go if you "couldn't be trusted with food". While she thought she was "helping" you, it sounds like she caused you a heck of a lot of damage. Yes, it was your choice to eat that chocolate but the stress she put on you at that young of an age attributed to the fact you ate a giant bag of chocolate...sorry if it's too personal, but if you haven't already, I think it would be good to talk to someone about it.
Good for you though for finding the strength and maturity to take a hold of your own life. Keep it up! Our past's make us who we are today but it's up to us to decide who we are tomorrow
I put my hand in yours, and together we can do what we could never do alone. No longer is there a sense of hopelessness, no longer must we each depend upon our own unsteady willpower. We are all together now, reaching out our hands for power and strength greater than ours, and as we join hands, we find love and understanding beyond our wildest dream.
I relate very much. From the mother (who wouldn't let me have a muffin after ballet because I was chubby at 6, so I had to give it back to the teacher. oh, pain) to what happened on my own exchange program and everything between and since.
Difference is I have 10 years on you, 10 years I have spent with my head in the toilet and up and down the same 4 clothing sizes and completely, completely, obsessed with food and my body.
In other words, ****.
At your age I did recognize my issues but still failed to really act. Therapy, groups, meds--- didn't help me because I wouldn't let them help me.
I wish I'd found OA back then and tried abstinence and a 12 step program. I would have been turned off by the spiritual aspect, probably, which I can tolerate better now.
Nevertheless I wish I'd done it. It requires actual work, no bs, no intellectualizing. I am glad you've come to the point you have right if now, so that you can act on it.
Please don't spend a decade in bulimia or even bingeing.
Thank you guys all so much for your support. Honestly my binge eating was destroying my life. It took up so much of my thoughts, and was such a shameful thing, and it feels so good to let it out. You are all beautiful people and i know that, together, we will overcome this vice.
I'm really sorry to read all this.
My grandmother was the exact same way with me (down to my girl scout leaders being told to feed me watch my portions and give me 1/2 desserts when we went away at camp and such), I only realized a few years ago that all of my issues with food are related to either a comment she made or a behavior of hers.
Once you can acknowledge that though you can start working on your relationship with food little by little.
I still have problem behaviors with food, but I recognize them before it gets out of hand usually.
Oh my if I could recapture all the energy I put into avoiding them commenting on my eating or weight, worrying about what to wear so the lecture would not start, hiding eating...... So happy you were comfortable to let it out here. Getting the monkey off your back will be the biggest best thing that ever happened to you
Now at 18, I have accepted the fact that I will never have a normal relationship with food, and therefor need to make it as little a part of my life as possible. I have lost 40lbs almost, and am down to my lowest weight ever (185, and I'm 5'9).
you do NOT have to accept that. ever. ever. ever.
When i was 18 i pretty much thought exactly that, i was miserable, obsessed with eating/not eating, my body, food, binging, purging, etc etc. I would binge/purge up to 5-6 times a day, I come from a similar background - SUPER healthy upbringing, controlling mother (with huge food issues of her own), i understand entirely the obsessive love of 'bad' foods you can only really have if you were denied them as a child. even 'normal' food like white sliced bread or breakfast cereal other than porridge oats is kind of a drug to me.
Turning Vegan and choosing healthier and 'healthier' foods - even for my binges was something i did too.
from your posts/blogs it sounds like you have some pretty serious issues with food and you body image (i can't help but notice your target weight in your sidebar would have you severely underweight and fasting for 48 hours as you detail elsewhere is just not good for an 18 year old body) and getting some help with them now could save you a lot of pain in the future.
The binging/purging, along with some pretty hardcore bipolar depression led me to try to take my own life when i was 20.
I am now 25, and very much alive and well. My binging has *Finally* come under control in the past few months, but not without a LOT of hard work, and yes, some pretty horrible times. but i promise you, you CAN beat this, you CAN live a healthy satisfied life at a healthy and satisfying weight.
My eating is now pretty good, i have realised that i naturally crave the healthy foods i grew up on (maybe i got the 'bad' stuff out of my system?), I DO use Intermittent fasting - i fast 24 hours 2-3 times per week, and i excercise as much as i can - i walk 30-60 minutes per day and go to the gym 2-3 times per week - but i don't stress if i want to eat pizza, or ice cream, or if there's a social occasion and i want to get drunk and order chinese food. it's not a big deal any more and doesn't lead to an automatic binge.
Sorry if this is SUPER long winded, or weird but reading your other posts and your blog i feel a kind of affinity with you (history/height/weight etc), and i really want you to know that you are not alone. if you want you can PM me any time you need some encouragement/help at all.
i really don't mean to be patronising so please feel free to tell me to butt out if you want!
that WASNT Controle
