Why Am I Here? A Vent
Snappy title to go with my name huh? This is going to be long.
I know why I'm here...sort of.
I've been to some OA meetings a little while ago. I'm no stranger to 12 step programs - I used to go to Emotions Anonymous. It was at the suggestion of my therapist and at the time it seemed like a brilliant idea as it seems to me that so much addiction stems from emotional issues. There are no meetings near me now and I guess you could say my life has once again become unmanageable.
I've been trying to think of all I want to say in this my first post. So I guess I'll mention that the other day I ate a bunch of stuff. Honestly I don't BINGE often, or maybe I'm lying to myself. The other day I was completely conscious of the fact that what I was eating was unreasonable. From one thing to another - I wish I could tell you WHAT I ate, but I guess that's unimportant.
As I said I've been to OA before. I just read a post here about OA HOW, prior to this I heard of Greysheeters. When I went to meetings I never changed what I did. Maybe I was "dieting" I don't remember. I was there mentally trying to prepare myself I suppose. But I heard these things about how people abstain from sugar and such and I thought these people must be zealots. I also thought to myself that this sounds like a live that A) I don't want and B) I could NEVER do. I don't do well with regimen. The thought of having to PLAN my entire day or week and then have to phone it in to someone seemed IMPOSSIBLE to me. An insurmountable task.
Now that seems like the EASY part. The hard part I think is realizing that I will probably have to stop eating the foods that I have COME TO RELY ON. I don't binge eat SALAD or chicken.
The whole thing scares me and I can tell you I'm not ready to do it TODAY. I guess once again I'm mentally preparing for it. I feel like by doing this EVERY bit of joy I get from food will be gone, but food is not supposed to be joyful is it? It's supposed to be sustenance. More so than the sugar I think I'm going to have a problem with carbs. I feel like I NEED them. Most proteins are barely tolerable to me without bread or potatoes to go with it. Even in my salad I need croutons.
Maybe I have unrealistic expectations about what this is about. Maybe I should focus less on the food and more on figuring out what it means to be abstinent?
Bottom line is I've always known I eat A LOT and I know I eat the wrong things, but the other day, as I said I was so completely aware of how I was like a junkie indulging in a fix and I knew it wouldn't FIX anything, and I knew I wasn't hungry and I knew I shouldn't be doing it and yet I kept going.
So anyway, this is me acknowledging I am powerless over what? Food? Compulsive Overeating? Something.