I just needed to share something with you. I have been really obsessed with food recently. I felt like I need to lose weight which came from a moment of depression and desperation. And so it has been two months for which I have been eating really low carb and I haven't been binging (but on the binging thing I am 6 months sober).
And now I have lost about half a stone for the past two months, which is great and my body is happy with that. But the issue here is that my head is constantly thinking am I losing weight, what is my tummy like, is it getting smaller... and I just cannot stop this obsession. Part of me is just thinking that I should f**k it all and leave my weight be what it wants to be. And the thought of this is equally scary and at the same time like a relief.
Because it makes me feel like i am good enough and i am a good person, regardless of my weight. I think the issue is that I have been losing weight on self will, which is selfish as well as really obsessive. For example I am not particularly obsessed with what i eat. I am actually rather relaxed in my head about my eating. I still eliminate a great amount of food, but even when I eat them, I don't like them so I stop.
I think the only solution to my issue is to say 'God I can't do it. I can't lose weight and keep it on. I can't carry on going and i am going to have to allow myself be any weight that my body wants to be. Until I surrender the control of weight to God, I will not stop being obsessed. Because obsession is about something that I want. It is about something that I think I should or want to have and then I get freaked out about it. So today, I am getting through the day and it is ok. And tomorrow is a new day, a new me is being born and I can make the positive affirmation to drop that and to surrender it to God. So I leave my weight and my desires about it to my own body. I will let the body determine its weight by itself. At the moment I am somewhere just under 11 stone and I want to be about 10 stone because that is what i think it healthier for me because i still have enormous amount of tummy flab. And part of me is thinking aren't I exaggerating or is it real.
I do really feel that if I put on some weight I will die or something... which probably isn't the case. But comes to smoking I think that if I have a fag I will die and that keeps me off them.
I know that my food abuse has resulted in my overweightness. My food abuse was not what my body naturally wanted for me, it was what my head was telling me to do. So now that I have removed that I feel that I can trust my body to look after itself. I am really going to try. I only have to do it one day at a time, right?