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Old 10-30-2007, 09:01 AM   #1  
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Default help - I have relapsed into food binge Day1 again

I blew it. I am just emerging from a food binge. Not the longest or the worst food binge I ever had, but I’m back in detox land. Not even feeling the pain of withdrawal yet and trying not to project as to how hard it’s going to be.

I feel I’ve let you all down. I was doing so well, but I think I’ve been setting myself up for relapse before I ate the first compulsive bite – after struggling with negative feelings, I broke out on Sunday and medicated myself with food. Please keep me in your prayers as I need help to get back on track – I do have willingness but don’t feel very strong at all.
It might help someone if I try to share what led up to this.

The main thing I did wrong was procrastinate - in the following areas:

on my step work, getting a new sponsor after my sponsor became unwell and had to stop taking too much on. My old sponsor is still available for calls, but not to take me through the 12 steps right now. But I actually found it hard to even call her in the past week – I think I was being overly sensitive about bothering her.

I also got real sloppy and lazy about exercise and my monthly weigh-in, I kind of just slipped in a comfort zone while barely managing NOT to eat compulsively. But I see now it was only a matter of time.

I went to an overnight function last Saturday – the event was lovely in itself, I was surrounded by lovely positive people, including family members who work good programmes – there was a meal and I stayed abstinent, but found it tough – having struggled with feelings of depression all week. I white-knuckled the event and then just collapsed into food soon as I got home to isolation!

I did keep going to my OA meeting. Just finished my 3 month secretary stint.

I binged like crazy for 2 days – sugar in its many manifestations – picked up lots of my trigger foods in the process. This morning, I threw out heaps of food – poured double cream down the sink – and wondered if I would ever be free from the insanity of food addiction. I found my body could not take in anything near as much bad food as it used to! Last night, that actually annoyed me, even though I’m grateful for it today. Maybe because I’d been abstinent for a good long spell, my body was slow to take up the poison again.

The big bogey stumbling block for me seems to be around the mental illness aspect of COE. I read on here about others who struggle with this and today this helps me speak up and say I too struggle with depression and HATE admitting that to myself. I just don’t want that to be true so I guess I go into denial.

As the fog clears, I begin to see that a HUGE part of this relapse is denial that I suffer from feeling of despair even when abstinent.

This morning, I picked up the phone and got on a waiting list for a therapy clinic less than 1 mile away which specialize in food addiction therapy! Might take a while for an appointment, so I rang around OA members to share what had happened me the past few days.

My HP keeps putting good people in my path – even though my disease keeps wanting me to isolate. I had planned to ‘cancel’ my commitments all week and wrap my isolation around me. But I bumped into an OA member and found myself blurting out to her that I was in the middle of a binge. She was so gentle and supportive.
Today, I’m trying to get back on track. Not sure I can – but I have eaten a clean meal, even though I was nauseous, I knew that was my disease trying to make me starve a bit so I could binge later. I’ve kept the meal down, and am being very gentle on myself. It feels cleansing to share my truth on this page with you. Thank you for being there.
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Old 10-31-2007, 12:10 AM   #2  
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Oh, honey. I'm sorry that you're going through this. It sounds like your HP is trying to help you out, though. Good for you for hearing those messages!

You're doing the right thing. Just keep doing the footwork. Go to meetings, make your calls, do your writing, read some literature, talk to yout HP--use the livin' daylights out of the tools.

I used to struggle with the denial thing, too. I used to think that if I just read enough books, if I just learned enough, if I just tried hard enough, then I could be normal like everyone else. Then I read something on here that hit me in the face. It's a long post that I can't link to right now called "We're different", by Meg (I think). It's a post all about how we as obese people with food issues are DIFFERENT. We can't eat the way other people eat. We can't not pay attention it food. Our bodies have been changed by our weight, and we can't ever forget that. It struck me so strongly because I was always trying to figure out what I was doing wrong and why "how it's supposed to work" didn't ever work for me. Go search for the post, it's well worth a read.

We're not like everyone else, I'm sorry to say. We have to do special things to take care of ourselves. IT'S OKAY to be different, and it's okay to do those things. It's okay to face these things. Your HP will help you.
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Old 11-01-2007, 08:05 AM   #3  
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Default thank you sidhe

Thanks Sidhe

Your lovely supportive message warmed my heart. I’m still hanging in, feeling shaky from withdrawal but ok on another level. I have a tiny bit of willingness – just enough to pray every hour!!

Thanks also for that precious reminder about the post you read about being different. I look forward to reading that later today – only logging on here for a moment – but I need to read that stuff so badly.

I made some calls to members, and also bit the bullet by calling the food therapy centre. I’m on a waiting list but there may be a cancellation. I just hope that by taking the tiny action, I’ll be able to stay on track, one-hour-at-a-time.

Feeling quiet and subdued and humble, but also feeling a tiny bit hopeful. Thank you to all on this forum who show me that OA works. I need to know that today. Hope all is well with you today.
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Old 11-01-2007, 09:55 AM   #4  
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Searsha, you're taking the steps you need to take care of yourself. It's scary, I know, but there's hope here too. It sounds like program-speak and it's been said many times, but the Steps WORK. You just have to keep doing the footwork. Nurture your tiny little bit of willingness, and help it grow into something amazing. If praying every hour is what it takes right now, keep doing that. You can come here to write to us, too. Since you know you have a tendency to isolate, keep reaching out.

You should be proud of yourself for taking the steps you need to take care of yourself. I hope you get an appointment with the nutritionist at a time that is right for you. Until then, and after that, you will always have your HP with you. Just keep doing the next right thing.

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Old 11-01-2007, 09:58 AM   #5  
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Searsha, what a wonderful thing you did for yourself and others posting and asking for help. You gave me much encouragement.

Focus on the positive things and what you are doing right, seems to be a lot of things in that coluum.

Thanks again for posting and reminding me there is hope.

hugs
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Old 11-02-2007, 02:08 AM   #6  
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Hey there searsha-

This is a nasty disease we have. It hides in dark corners waiting for the right moment to slink out and rob us of our hard earned serenity.

You have learned a lot about yourself and your disease through this binge and search for help. This experience will become a strength to you because you are working so hard as you grow through it.

It hurts and it sucks to relapse. Take heart that you are not alone in relapse. There is quite a bit written about it in For Today and other OA books. You may find some peace in reading about it.

You are on a lifelong journey of recovery. This is only a hiccup along the way. Your program, what you've learned, your time in abstinence are not all lost or wasted. Quite the contrary-- you've still got all of that experience.

You are reaching out for help. You are doing the right things. I'm proud of you.
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Old 11-02-2007, 01:21 PM   #7  
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Hi Searsha,
I just wanted to share with you something I learned during my OA Retreat this past weekend. The Speaker talked about Having a Relapse Prevention Plan. That is to say bring relapse to the forfront and have a plan in place to stop it. I have not formalized my relapse plan yet but I will most likely do it this weekend. I have not binged since June but know the possibility exists everyday. I need this plan really bad.
Hugs,
Bumps
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Old 11-02-2007, 01:59 PM   #8  
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Hi, I have been lurking here since beginning OA seven weeks ago, but this is my first posting. I find the search button on this site to be challenging, to say the least! I would like very much to read this posting by Meg but can't seem to find it. Knowing her last name would help, so if someone could let us all know I would be grateful!
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Old 11-02-2007, 03:17 PM   #9  
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I dug and dug until I found it! Here you go:

http://www.3fatchicks.com/forum/showthread.php?t=51478
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Old 11-04-2007, 06:13 PM   #10  
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Default Feeling feelings feelings

Is what it's all about. Feeling them, not wanting to feel them and running from them headlong into food. My therapist has had me write about my feelings and why I don't want to feel them, it helps. Been abstinent 36 days. Remember food doesn't equal failure.

I did write you back about a month ago. Not sure if you got it.

LeAnne
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Old 11-05-2007, 03:26 PM   #11  
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Default thank you all so much

Thanks so much everybody. I’m still on track, but was struggling a bit today, feeling low, and I got such a lift when I read all your messages of support. I am so very grateful this evening that I can cope with feeling a bit low, and still stay abstinent. I plan on getting an early night, and if I do, there’s a good chance I’ll feel well tomorrow.

That was an interesting article Sidhe – thanks for all your work in digging it out. Good to read about being ‘different’ from a scientific slant. I need to stay so close to OA, because I find when I can focus on the 12 steps and have the privilege of hearing about other member’s journeys, then I slowly get the gift of acceptance that I'm not normal when it comes to my relationship with food.

I might be all up and down right now, but my food is stable and I know if I just ‘keep faith’, I will get back the peace of mind I need so badly. Like someone shared after Meg’s piece, she accepts she will have to stay vigilant around food, but the trade-off is so so worth it.

Bad food and binge eating only wants to take me to bad places. That is the truth and I need to hang onto it and hear the message over and over, because when I was so recently in the teeth of compulsion, it was so easy to lose sight of that truth, because the lure of the food was too strong.
Thanks again for your goodness. Wishing you all peace, serenity and abstinence.
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Old 11-11-2007, 08:04 PM   #12  
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Sorry I wasn't here to offer support when you needed it, especially since you were struggling around the same time as I was.

I'm so glad you made it through and regained your abstinence. I'm also happy to see that you were able to be rational about it all, figure out what led to the binge, and make adjustments to fix the situation.

I can learn a lot from you and from everyone here. Unfortunately for me, my binge hasn't ended now for quite a while. I'm just unable to get myself back on program. But, each meal is a new opportunity and each day is a fresh one. I do plan to get back to some meetings this week and work slowly on rebuilding that abstinence.
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