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Old 10-16-2008, 01:31 PM   #16
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Originally Posted by JamieJo View Post

Is this gal a friend outside of work? If so, I would sit her down and tell her this stuff bothers you. If she is just a co-worker, I would try to ignore her.
Yes, she is a friend outside of work but it is really taking its toll on me to be friends with her. She just seems to be very high maintenance and I just have the energy anymore. Everything anyone does is a peronal attack on her.

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Old 10-16-2008, 02:07 PM   #17
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Originally Posted by aphil View Post
The first thought that comes to mind is noticing how the very overweight people seem to be taking this very, very personally:

"If they think that being 10 pounds overweight is fat...then what do they think of ME???!!!! How insensitive they are being to MY needs!"

Well, the person worried about their weight/size/gain is worried about THEMSELVES. They aren't thinking about everyone else's weight.

Photochick makes a good point. Why is it not sensitive to be worried about gaining 5 or 10 pounds...just because other people have gained and need to lose 40, 60, 100 or more? Should they not be concerned about their weight?

To me...that's like saying that no one should be concerned about themselves and their situation, until it is wildly out of control, and the situation is WORSE. Why not be worried when it is only a molehill...rather than waiting until you have a mountain to tackle?
Kind of goes to the old *being a human* thing - Most people find it nearly impossible to even understand, much less relate, to anything that is outside their realm of personal experience. Quite honestly (in my realm of personal experience ), 3FC is one of the few places I've seen this many people even try. So, if someone is heavier than they've ever been, they are going to imagine that they feel exactly the same as someone else who's at their heaviest - even if the first person is 100lbs lighter than the second. The other side of the coin is, like Julie said:

Originally Posted by JulieJ08 View Post
I'd say a skinny person complaining about being fat can make me feel lucky - How awful to be thin but have no idea of the value of strength and nutrition. Much worse - How crazy awful to be thin and still think you're gross and disgusting. Seriously, I would choose to keep my present weight for a lifetime, and probably even my starting weight, before choosing to live my life at 120# and feeling disgusted with myself because I wasn't 115# and size 2.
How many of us would even come close to appreciating our current weights if we hadn't been even higher at some point? I know we are still all working towards even healtheir goals but golly, on the way up, I thought 150 was grossly enormous (well, except for this last time when I was in total denial and didn't weigh myself for years ) - from the new perspective of watching it go by on the way down, it's pretty darned exciting and at 150 I felt stronger and more confident (read: attractive) than I did at 120 many moons ago

It's so much a matter of personal perspective - wich is why the oh so wise queen chickies have divided the boards at 3FC so someone who has 100 or more lbs to work on doesn't have to be *annoyed* by the "featherweight" who has 10 or 15 lbs they want to get rid of.

Dieting is hard. Maintenance is hard. Being fat is hard. Pick your hard.

Last edited by yoyonomoreinvegas; 10-16-2008 at 02:09 PM.
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Old 10-16-2008, 02:30 PM   #18
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I'm not sure that I've hear anyone say that a very thin person shouldn't be concerned about their weight, or that their concerns are invalid no matter what those concerns are.

It isn't insensitive for anyone to worry about their finances, even if they're Bill Gates, but Bill Gates complaining about his finances TO a single mother who is having trouble feeding her children - under most circumstances, that would be considered pretty insensitive.

The thing is, I don't really expect the 115 lb woman complaining about those 5 lbs to be sensitive to my feelings. She very well may have absolutely no idea of what it's like to be me (and I have no idea what it's like to be her). I have no doubt that those 5 lbs are very important to her, and those 5 lbs to her may be even more important than the next 200 are to me. However, it can be a little hard for me to be extremely supportive (just as I'm sure the single mother would have a hard time having Bill Gates crying on her shoulder). But if I'm going to cut the small woman some slack for not understanding how her complaining could make me feel, I have to cut myself some slack for not understanding her position enough to be a good support for her.

I don't think it's a case of "fat girls" against "thin girls who think they're fat," but rather a generic difficulty that a person can have feeling compassion for a situation that is drastically different than their own, especially if they would gladly trade places. Also, it may be easier in some situations to be sympathetic (even if you don't quite understand) than others. For me, the casual "weight whine" doesn't bother me under most circumstances, but someone much smaller than me going on and on and on... directly to me, especially when they seem to be fishing for me to tell them how thin they are. I admit, I don't have much patience for it.

My mother had a friend and neighbor who was very slim. Every time she and my mom got together the friend would complain about "getting fat". Mom would, very sincerely (at first) assure her that she looked great. One day when mom wasn't feeling very sincere, instead of saying "you look great," said "Hm, I think you might have put on a couple pounds." The woman never complained to Mom about weight again.

Was Mom's response kind, compassionate or supportive? Uh, no. It surely would have been more compassionate, and more conducive to their friendship to have said, long before she got to her breaking point, "I'd rather we not discuss our weights, if you don't mind."

It isn't that I'm saying that the thin woman obsessed with a few pounds doesn't have legitimate concerns and legitimate feelings. I'm just saying that it's understandable to occasionally have hurt feelings when someone in a position you see as much more advantageous than your own, is complaining to you about that position especially if you've been trying to be patient and understanding and just can't take it anymore -- those are legitimate feelings too.

Now all of that, I realize as I'm saying this, I only apply to "real life." In this forum, where we're all here to lose weight, I don't consider the person's weight as a very large factor (in fact, I rarely notice it), in my feeling and giving support and sympathy. And I suppose if I were on a budgeting website, I'd be a lot more sympathetic to a Bill Gates or Donald Trump complaining about their problems. Though in both cases, the advice and information I have to offer is often going to be of little use (and there's likewise to me) to someone in a drastically different position.
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Last edited by kaplods; 10-16-2008 at 06:33 PM.
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Old 10-18-2008, 03:14 PM   #19
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Originally Posted by aphil View Post

The first thought that comes to mind is noticing how the very overweight people seem to be taking this very, very personally:

"If they think that being 10 pounds overweight is fat...then what do they think of ME???!!!! How insensitive they are being to MY needs!"

That's sort of what I am hearing.

Well, the person worried about their weight/size/gain is worried about THEMSELVES. They aren't thinking about everyone else's weight.
That's just what I was going to say!! The person complaining about their weight doesn't even notice or care about the other person's weight when they are saying this.

I actually just had this happen to me this summer when my 120 lb TOTALLY perfect-bodied friend was complaining the whole time I was with her that she was a "heifer" (as she pranced around in her bikini). It got really, really truly annoying, and I actually did say the words "wow, if you think YOU'RE fat, what do you think about me?"

She kind of looked surprised -- she wasn't even THINKING of what I looked like!!! It was ALL ABOUT HER.

So is it really annoying? YES.
Is it about what WE weigh? NO.

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Old 10-18-2008, 06:30 PM   #20
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I have a friend who worked really hard to lose a lot of weight and she looks healthy, skinny and beautiful, but she struggles every day to maintain her weight. Maybe the so-called skinny girls are struggling too and so they feel fat.
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Old 10-18-2008, 08:18 PM   #21
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Wow, complaining as a way of bragging. That really caught my eye. That's a concept to ponder.

While I think it is important to show people sympathy for what they're going through, I think it's also important to give them reality checks. I think there is value in mentioning to someone so much thinner who goes on and on about her weight that there is a comparison right next to her. Seeing only the negatives in your life can keep you stuck.

This has given me kind of a reality check, myself. I'm thankful that I have 80 pounds to lose instead of weighing only 80 pounds and worrying that I'm going to starve to death because I don't have access to food. I'm thankful that I have to fight off the temptation to eat fattening food because that means I can afford them and have access to them. I may not always enjoy exercise, but I'm thankful I have the opportunity to do it, that my body moves and my feet walk. This gives me kind of the boost I've been needing.
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Old 10-20-2008, 04:39 PM   #22
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Wow I remember when I was thin I honestly thought I was huge. Now that I am obese I have much better self esteem. When I was younger I wouldn't even wear a bathing suit because I thought I was huge. Now I look at pictures and think wow how could I believe I was over weight then.
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Old 10-20-2008, 05:07 PM   #23
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I tend to agree with Kaplods -- I've always been heavy and there have always been thin friends who have complained to me about how fat THEY were and I always assumed it was a way of fishing from compliments and I still believe that 95% of the time, it IS an attempt to get the heavier person to massage their ego by saying, "I WISH I were 'fat' like you!" or "Please, I'd love to be your size!" etc etc.

Do some genuinely thin women legitimately think they ARE fat? Given our fat-phobic society, I DO believe it's possible, but when I've been in the position of listening to a thin friend complain about her weight to me, I've always felt it was done as a way to brag, with one exception -- a friend I *KNOW* has severe body dismorphia.
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Old 10-20-2008, 06:29 PM   #24
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I honestly DO believe that many thin women think that they are fat. I did. When I was in high school, I thought I was absolutely ginormous. I wore a size 9/10, and I am 5'7" tall. I thought I was obese, and I hated my big, thick legs. (I have always had stocky legs, no matter what my size...)

Now that ginormous size 9/10 is my GOAL size.

I did honestly believe that I was fat at the time, though...because in high school all of my friends wore size 3/4, 5/6, or 7/8...so at a size 9/10, I thought that I was huge. When I would complain about being fat, it had nothing to do with fishing for compliments...it had to do with the fact that I thought I was fat. I never compared myself to people who were BIGGER than I was (as in doing it on purpose to fish for compliments) but instead, I was occupied with comparing myself to people that were SMALLER than me.

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