When I reflect on my lifelong struggles with weight, I can identify a complex, interlocking set of internal and external factors that have kept me on the "fat path". As I am trying to change the way I take care of my body, I have also been trying to explore these factors. And, one major factor has been discomfort with sexual attention from men.
I have never really dated seriously, and I am not sure why. I think that I was a late bloomer, plus I had some other stuff that I was struggling with in adolescence. At first, it wasn't that big of a deal. But, then over time, it became "a thing". Like, "Sarah is super normal and great, except she has a thing about dating"... In a classic chicken/egg scenario, I don't know if I have avoided dating because I am uncomfortable with my body (in other words, don't feel sexy, didn't think anyone would want me) - or if staying heavy has been a way for me to avoid facing my intimacy issues... Or (likely) a combination of both. Either way, for a decade, I have been a big girl who doesn't date.
I am trying to put myself out there more and more lately, and it's been really hard. Like really, really hard. It's not that I don't get attention from men -- it's that I don't know what to do about it or how to feel good about it.
I recently have gotten closer to one man that I am dating, and last night we spent some "intimate" time together. And, he spent a long time admiring my body. Where I would normally cringe, cover up, or brush aside, I tried to not be self-conscious by the attention. I just let it happen. And, it was great!
And, I am nowhere close to my goal weight -- which is when I thought that I would be able to be comfortable with that kind of attention.
I don't know what is going to happen with this guy in particular, but (as cheesy as this sounds) I think that I made a major step forward in learning how to love/like myself....