When I started (again), I'm ashamed to say that, at 5'0" and 194 lb, I was the heaviest I'd ever been and very unhappy about it in an unproductive way. I was tuning it out in every way I could -- reading, watching movies and TV, socializing, working, overeating, AND hiding the fact of my body in overly baggy, comfy clothes. Wearing fitted things just reminded me of my predicament and amplified my self-loathing. My weight issues were affecting my confidence and ability to focus and I was suffering in every aspect of my life, but, still not confronting the problem. I didn't feel like I had the right kind of support and I felt very much like a failure, even when I tried anything. Being overworked, overstressed, and depressed wasn't helping and I think that these things are still 3 of my 5 biggest obstacles; I'm glad I'm aware of it, this time and hope to overcome them!
In January, I decided to try a new approach. Instead of diving in to some impossible routine that I couldn't maintain, I just started taking some baby steps in making an easy routine that I stuck to. Simple and easy to follow -- more exercise, whatever I could manage + no processed foods and healthier choices. I just figured that when I felt stronger or more capable, I'd add on to it -- and I have done so.
I switched to a healthier diet (cooking at home instead of eating out all the time and making sensible choices) and started going to spin class regularly -- I started with 2 hours a week (which left me in serious pain and I dreaded each class), but, now I manage 5 hours a week (able to withstand the soreness and I actually enjoy the classes) -- I've managed to lose 12 pounds! I still have a very long way to go, but I'm weighing in it 182 now and I feel a little happy about this. So, I decided to reward myself for achieving this mini-goal as positive reinforcement and encouragement -- a new strategy for me, that I've learned on this site. I bought a new dress in a smaller size. I was wearing size 16 and this one is a 12. It's a little too snug to be ideal (I think that in about 5 more pounds, it will look great), but when I tried it on, I felt pretty for the first time in a long while. It really felt like a treat. I'd been wanting this dress for about a year and a half (it wasn't in my size and it was really pricey) but on a whim, I searched ebay and found it in a manageable size. I spent too much on it (less now than when in the boutique), but I'm realizing that clothing and confidence and all of that are linked together in ways I didn't expect and that I have to boost my confidence to keep myself on this path and stay motivated.
When I lose ten more pounds, I'm going to treat myself to a spa day!! Fingers crossed for good progress!
In this ongoing weight-loss journey, I've realized that issues of self-esteem and self-worth and confidence really do play a serious part for me. I've noticed, though, that the body clutter (excess weight) is accompanied by other kinds of clutter -- emotional, activity-oriented, and material -- especially in my closet. I'm finding that there seems to be a connection between clutter and confidence and that this connection is definitely related to weight-loss success or failure for me. Perhaps all a gal's clothes (no matter what size/shape her body is) should make her feel good about herself. That's a hard concept for me (emotionally). I've been wanting to declutter my closet for ages, but it always gives me anxiety to confront the variety of sizes and bad judgments and confused selves in there -- all things which contributed to my weight problem and which I know I must confront in order to move forward. Embracing and accepting yourself as you are can be so hard when you're trying to change your appearance in a big way, I think...
I wondered --
Does de-cluttering the closet raise weight and/or confidence issues for any of you?
How do you gals celebrate achieving mini-goals?
And, how do you avoid fixating on your failings along the way?
