This is going to be the longest post I think I've ever written.. but I guess we'll see. This is a short bit on my life story, how I see it, those I've blamed, and me blaming myself. And a cry for help... I don't think I can lose weight on my own.
I hope you guys can read through the whole thing and maybe understand a bit more about where I'm coming from mentally.
Where to start... my life story.
I've been fat for nearly as far back as I can remember. I do know, from seeing pictures, that in my early years I was very VERY slim. Around the ages of 7 or 8 I began to put on an unprecedented amount of weight.
As a kid, was there really much I could do? Do we really take notice of these things? I remember being told by my mother, when I was a child, to eat EVERYTHING until you are totally and absolutely full. It was a credo of sorts for her. Not that we should eat till we're just done but eat until we're totally full. Every meal and snack was presented as such and with that my siblings and I indulged.
I remember having chips for breakfast on the way to school.
I remember eating deep fried chicken more often than anyone could.
I remember vegetables never being pushed on any of us.
I remember my mom going to get me fast food because I didn't want to eat what everyone else was having.
My point isn't to say "it's my mommy's fault" but rather to show you how a life style that I have been disgusted with for several years was near-brainwashed into my head.
My teenage years weren't very good. I remember dreading middle school. I was the fat kid that got picked on, very often. I still maintained some friends and some sanity but for the most part it was a terrible experience and even though i was being picked on for my weight I remember eating to make myself feel better.
Getting picked last for everything.
Teachers treating me in such a way that I felt lower than the other students whom they seemed to favor.
Being called Chunky Monkey, lardo, and other such cruel names by my class mates... I hated middle school.
My point here is to further show how a cycle, a mental cycle, can develop from such things. I learned to lose myself in what I considered "good food" and eat my emotions away.
I can't explain why but my high school years are very pleasant. I was actually something of a popular kid. I some how managed to develop a sense of humor that others found very funny as well. I was in, "cool", with all the clicks. Girls oddly wanted to date me... my high school experience, more or less, revived my faith in humanity.
But with good friends and "good times" comes good food. Everyone ate.. all the time. And everyone always seemed to stay trim, except me. But being that was I asked to attend such functions, like just hanging out, we always hit up our local favorite spots. Home town style pizzerias, bbq joints, and the like. Most of our social gatherings outside of school involved eating.
With that I developed a real "social eater" lifestyle. That when you're out with friends, you should eat good.
While I take most of the blame for my weight, I personally believe that blame is not mine alone to bear. Your environment in all stages of life can affect how you treat your body and what you allow in.
I'm sure many of you will say that you always watched what you eat as a youth and I'm sure you did, I have no doubt you did. But that's your prerogative and not mine. The way I was raised... I personally do not think I had a choice.
Now here I am... near 30 and just ate some really greasy food and feeling a lot of "self pity", a lot of self-hatred, and a lot of self-loathing.
I have from time to time managed to lose bits of weight here and there but it never seems to last. Something always draws me back in. Girlfriends, problems, friends, or family functions.... it seems to be something I can't escape.
My last tidbit is my girlfriend. I'm very lucky to have her. She's witty, really smart, has a great job, and is very sharing. But... she's a very trim person. She's the kind of person who eats anything she wants and seems to stick around the same size. She has no secrets, it's just her.
I always try to cook at home and I always try to make my meals more healthy than I would have years ago.
I've expanded my personal diet-menu to even include vegetables... something that took my several years to overcome. I still cannot stand many vegetables. People ask me why and I tell them "they taste like dirt to me" and to be 100% honest, most do taste that way to me.
My girlfriend has a very bad habit of not wanting to wait for her food. Her life is consumed with quick microwave meals and fast food.. especially McDonald's. I'm SO SICK of McD's that I've finally told her if I have to eat it again I'll SNAP. Now she just eats it around me and I always end up caving.
She talks about wanting to eat healthier but she is very much a say'er and not a do'er (in more ways than her diet). I can't get her to focus.
Now for me... as I stated before I've had to force myself to eat vegetables and I hated every minute of it. I can now stomach and not entirely hate a small salad as long as it's just romaine lettuce, carrots, peppers, cucumbers, and maybe one or two other things I cannot think of off the top of my head, and some Italian dressing (very little).
I'm a HUGE meat eater... I've tried giving up meats before and even though I've been told I'm crazy for thinking this, I swear I had withdraws... I totally and 100% believe I had withdraws from giving up meats even though i was getting protein elsewhere.
Soda has always been a HUGE part of my life. While for a person like me, I have gotten better about drinking more waters and teas, I am def. not on a normal level like most people.
my diet has finally come to fold. The things that I've put in my body my whole life have began to take their toll. What I mean is... I hate it all now.. hate it. NOTHING taste like it use to.
I sorta take this as a good sign.
That perhaps my body, after so many years of punishment, is finally telling me "DUDE ENOUGH IS ENOUGH ALREADY" might mean that I HAVE to make this change and everyone else be damned.
I know I should have the power to do this on my own. Despite my upbringing, my years of torment, my social climb, and dealing with events in my life which in a sense "require a good meal" and even a loved one who more-or-less cannot give up her fast-junk-food. I know I should and I really want to. But it's so hard when we live on a budget. I cannot be buying two sets of groceries.. you know?
I don't know... I just feel like I cannot do this on my own.
I read before, on this forum of some people posting about how anxiety and depression medication has actually HELPED them with their goal. Is this something I should consider? I also read before someone had mentioned that they were suffering a very hardcore vitamin deficiency and that their thyroid was pretty much not working... is this something I need to have checked out?
I'll say it again... I just feel like I cannot do this on my own.
I would life some advice, criticism, or anything from you guys. I've loved reading over the forum and I hope to become an active part of the community you guys have here.
a quick p.s.
This is the very short version, guys. Please feel free to ask any questions that may need to be asked to fill in any holes.
I want to state, too, that working out is not an issue with me. I actually have a lot of experience with it. My problem is making better choices in my diet.