As I go through this journey, the changes, both physical and emotional are so many. My buddy Meg said this would happen, and I am taken aback almost daily on how right she was.
But this past month or so, I have discovered that since I have control of my eating and exercise, and have changed old bad habits into new, there is a ripple effect. I no longer desire to go out and shop/buy for comfort, and *WANT* to save every penny I can. I recognized long ago that I had that problem, and was pretty good keeping it in check by 'substituting' store shopping with garage saling. But garage saling brought on another problem - buying other people's junk, which may have been used for awhile but ultimately has ended up in my 'future garage sale' pile.
Dr. Phil says, "It's not what you're eating, but what's eating you." I have gottent down to the root of just what was eating me.
Over my lifetime, (I'm almost 52) starting quite young, I've had other addictions of various kinds that I was able to kick, but only with another substitution. Since I have control of my eating, I have a tremendous desire to clean up *ALL* the garbage and bad habits that have plagued me. I view this as another one of the unexpected bonuses for getting control.
I’ve been pondering your question since you posted it, Dip — it’s thought-provoking.
The weight loss journeys that we take are as individual as we are, and so are their repercussions on our families and the rest of our lives. It’s interesting that, for you, the sense of control that you’ve developed over food and fitness has translated into the desire for financial and environmental control — kind of like cleaning up your head makes you want to clean up your external space too.
The unintentional side effects of weight loss have been different for me. For a long time, I felt like I was a passive participant in my life. Like I was a bystander and others were calling the shots. I went along with what I thought I should do, with what everyone else wanted from me, with the roles I thought I should play (cookie-baking, scout-leading, PTA mom and perfect wife) (not that I disliked any of those roles, it’s just what I thought I should do). I never felt worthy of asserting my needs and wants — heck, I probably would have denied that I had any needs and wants.
When I look back on the ten or fifteen years before I lost the weight, I can see now that I was sleepwalking through my life and numbing a lot of emotions with food. Food was how I dealt with being tired and stressed and lonely. It was my reward for dealing with work and kids and school and all the mom stuff. Food was the fun and recreation in my life; eating and reading (together) was my treat at the end of the day — my version of “Miller time”. I’d put the kids to bed and could easily rip through 2000 or 3000 calories without even noticing what I was stuffing in my mouth.
So for me, finally being in control of food and fitness has given me back myself.
In order to lose the weight, I had to take charge of my life, figure out what I needed and wanted, and make deliberate choices to meet those needs and wants. I had to see that being fat was a choice I’d made (no one forced me to overeat) and that I had to make better choices in order to lose the weight. I had to take the responsibility for those choices — no more being the passive participant in my life. I realized that I had to take the time to go to the gym, to prepare food for myself, even just to get enough sleep.
The funny thing is that everyone’s OK with it. My family doesn’t fall apart because mom goes to the gym. The world goes on without homemade chocolate chip cookies. The PTA somehow manages to function without my weekly newsletters and the last time I checked, they’re still having Vacation Bible School every summer without me running it. I feel like I have more to give to relationships because there's more of me to give — I’m a real living breathing person with emotions, needs, wants, and the occasional quirk. So I have more to offer than just what I can do for the other people my life.
That’s what happened to me, Dip. This has been a life-changing experience and I know I’ll never go back.
i have my life back, with one major difference: i'm not as involved with my food as i used to be. don't get me wrong, i still enjoy it, and it tastes good and i'm happy to eat. but i'm not thinking about my next meal or what i'd like to cook or what i need at the store. my attitude: the food is THERE. if i want it i can have it, but i have other things to do and i just don't think about it anymore.
not sure my family gets this, as i used to be the person who did so much of the special family dishes at holidays, and i just don't unless someone makes a point of asking for them. and it bothers mom [senile mom] because i just don't eat on her schedule and she doesn't get it. she thinks i've stopped eating.
oh. and did we mention that the stress eating is no more???? food just won't go down when i'm seriously stressed. when i'm mildly stressed, though, pretzels go down JUST FINE, and so i have to be careful...
I hope nobody minds that I take this a step further. I think that by being able to recognize and deal with our former selves is part of the maintenance in this new way of life. Besides, it's good for my soul to put it out in public for me to deal with on a daily basis.
Similarly, I also was for too many years, passive in *my* life, being somebody other people expected me to be, or so I thought. And it began at a very young age.
The first step for me was to identify the emotion that was eating me, and that was anger. Every time I got angry at somebody, I would eat, or shop, or pop a pill (years ago I substituted Rx drugs with KavaKava.) I still smoke cigarettes, which is the next thing I will change, but that started at 16, I suppose for the 'calming effect' that cigarettes produce. Now I'm blatantly addicted to nicotine.
During my rebellious teens, somebody, I can't remember who or why, asked me why I was so "pissed off" all the time. My reply was something to the effect, "I came out of the womb "pissed off." When I remembered that, it was a key to go back as far as I *could* remember, what happened that may have made me so angry all the time, at anybody and everybody. In early childhood, there were several things, but it boils down to the fact I always tried to please everyone else, and if my efforts weren't recognized, accepted or rejected, I became intensely angry. I never threw tantrums or acted out inappropriately until my teens, but I did eat inappropriately for comfort. Most of the anger in early childhood was directed at my mother, a young widow who worked and was unavailable, critical, and who expected me to live up to her expectations without consideration of what made me happy. Of course as a teen, it blossomed into full-blown rebellion, and without proper correction, has been a large part of my problem, even after she died a few years ago. All my life, no matter what I did, it was never good enough, even at my best. And my best was pretty darn good with many successes.
Up until recently when I was able to identify the behavior patterns, did I realize that I too was living my life for what other people expected of me, or so I thought. Another key was one day it dawned on me that when I got married this time, I lost "my identity." But now, for the first time in my life, I feel in control and have my ducks in a row. I can recognize an emotion when it arises, and deal with it by thinking it over before reacting instead of letting loose with an immediate reaction, or worse, denying the feeling and shoving it down with food or something else.
Some days, the feeling of liberation is overwhelming. On the other hand, it makes me a little sad that I wasted more than half my life in that state. When I started my weight loss journey, it was with the intention of living my remaining years as healthy as I possibly could. Little did I know, less than a year ago, just how unhealthy I really was, more mentally, emotionally than physically.
If I could deliver just one message to anyone who asks how to do it, where do I start, what's the best program, how much water, what's the best cardio, etc., I would just say, "start today, persist, educate yourself, and the rest will come." Like that onion you told me about, Meg, the layers are so evident as the journey continues.
My life has been saved. And I too, never will go back. From this point on, I am no longer a "Maintainer in Training" but a Maintainer who just happens to still be losing weight. I feel like somebody who has been elevated to elder status, and now sits at the table of life who has just been passed the sweetest piece of fruit.
wow dip... you are INCREDIBLE!!!! thank you for your insight and honesty.
one of the major discussions - and sources of problems - among those of us who've had the WLS focuses on NOW what... we;re told that we'll lose weight for 6 months no matter what we eat, but that we should use that honeymoon period to develop better eating and exercise habits so that we can use the 2-year window of opportunity to the fullest extent.
soooo after the first 6 months, many people stall, and they say 'what am i doing wrong??' this surgery didn't work!!!!' and then we start asking questions: what are you eating? when are you eating? what about the emotions? and we find out the truth:
they've done NO work on the emotional eating, and often, in fact, they've spent the first 6 months diligently trying to out-eat and outsmart the surgery!!!
therefore: IT'S NOT ABOUT THE FOOD!!!!! as you so eloquently stated, it's about the emotions, and taking care of ourselves.
Dip, I'm new here and I'm already blown away by what an incredible person you are. I'm actually speechless!!!
I'm a new maintainer [thank you very much! ], and I could go on for days about how much my life has changed. I always ask myself why didn't I 'get it' before? Just this morning, I was doing some crunches and I still didn't recognize my belly---it's too flat, that couldn't possibly be me! It's some new revelation every day!
Hello! Just wanted to comment briefly. I can identify with what Dipthong says about anger-- I think I've always been angry too, but it's sort of a stubborn, rebellious anger, and a deep hatred of any kind of control, even self-imposed. A natural feminist, for sure. At the same time, I can be obsessive-compulsive.
But in the last few months I've taken a kind of sabbatical to work on my weight and fitness, and I've been thinking. Maybe the obsessiveness is just the extension of my ability to focus and concentrate on one topic, and really come to grips with it. For example, I just finished building a house to my design, and restoring and selling another one. That takes focus, concentration, and yes, more than a little obsessiveness. But it was a success! Quitting smoking was another obsession, but that worked, too.
And maybe even the anger can be "righteous" and fuel my strong need to see justice done in the world. Maybe anger can be "trained up" to become an authoritative power. Maybe my insecurities can make me more compassionate toward other people, less judgmental. (Well, hope springs eternal.)
In other words, maybe if I can see my "neuroses" as exaggerated, wayward character traits, I can learn to relax a little, forgive myself, and take the pressure down a few notches, so the neuroses don't "build up" like a storm.
I don't know if that works, but what's the alternative? Thousands of dollars worth of therapy? A religious conversion? Conformity to a feminine ideal that never worked for me? Somehow I don't think I'm the type to obey anyone else's prescription for life. But maybe I can say, "hey, this is the way I am. I'm not like other people, I'm not your definition of normal. I'm not self-destructive, I'm trying to be self-constructive, and if the way I do that seems weird to you, then point your nose elsewhere."
Ya know, Jif, I even considered WLS a few years ago as I thought I was hopeless. In fact, when I tried again this time, I looked at WLS as a last resort if this didn't work. At 51 years-old, I was a walking time-bomb. I didn't even come close to getting "it" until I read Dr. Phil's SELF MATTERS. That's what opened the door. I was just fortunate enough to find 3fC, and Dr. Phil's latest books hit the shelves when I needed them most.
Unbeknownst to me through months of self-education, I was already doing 5 of the 7 keys when I read his Ultimate Weight Loss Solution. But "it" was keys 1 and 2 that set me free. I had to do some deep, deep thinking and soul searching, forgive and get on with it.
Even after I was down about 40# out of sheer persistence, I had a disagreement with my DH and got real angry. The first thing I caught myself doing was opening the frig, and it was an 'oh my God' moment. And then it clicked because my second impulse was to grab the KavaKava bottle and down 2. I was frozen in time, at the realization of what I was feeling and almost did, as I had so many times in the past, to relieve the pain. This may sound a little nuts, but I now welcome negative emotions so I can have some practice at how to handle them, without crutches.
Eydie, I know what you mean. These can't possibly be my legs. I've never seen them like this before. And they can run! The smaller body and clothes are only a bonus, IMO. Feeling alive, looking forward to each new day, and finding the self-confidence to handle whatever life or people throw our way, to me is the important part.
We have to be honest with ourselves before we can be honest with each other. Even at my highest weight, I was a very proud and vain woman. This whole experience has knocked me down a peg or two. I guess you can say, I kicked my own ***.
SeekInnerThinChick - you must have been posting as I was writing. You sound like tape recording of me being played back a few years. So much so, it was kind of scary in that I built a house with my own hands to my desgin and rehabbed several, at about your age.
I have always been very rightous too. But I am now learning humility and understanding for other people's feelings, no matter what mine are in relation to theirs. The important people in my life, anyway. One of my favorite sayings used to be, "You can kiss my @ss on Main St." Not any more. When you let go of the root of the anger, there is no more justification for it and it doesn't need to be re-channeled. Like I said in the first post, I am desirous to clean up all the other garbage that clutters my life as a result of it too.
Sometimes I could kick myself for being overweight for 10 years with all the denial and frustration that goes with it, and at other times I'm actually grateful for the experience. It's made me more compassionate toward myself and everyone else. And best of all, I'm fiercely grateful to my miraculous body for sticking with me thru it all. A year and 1/2 ago I had a huge health scare [MIS-diagnosed with cancer] and it truly, beyond all doubt, finally sunk into my brain that the body is our only vehicle and we have to take care of it, 'cause when it's gone... you know the rest!
Thanks everyone so much for sharing all of that. I too have struggled with various addictions and diversions and compulsions all my life. I have overcome alot of them but sometimes feel I am substituting new ones for the old. I have always felt that there is an emotional component to my overeating but the problem is I can't identify it. I need help. How do you get to the root of it? I have Dr. Phil's book, what do I do? It is frustrating because I feel there is something there that needs to be looked at but I don't know how to get there.
I am doing new stuff this time that is very healthy, meditation, exercise, counterthinking, etc. But I just don't know how to get to and heal that emotional part. I don't even know how to identify the feelings that I am trying to cover up.
I have lost 10 pounds in the last month and a half and then had a Ben and Jerry's and cake binge two nights in a row. I tried to ask myself if I was depressed etc. but couldn't identify that. Help would be great.
Tracey, I'm a big believer in Dr. Phil's 7 Keys. Actually, thru my own research and education I was already doing 5 of the 7 before the book came out. To get into yourself, I strongly suggest working the first 2 keys. Go up to the Book Club Forum, where several of us have been rereading the book, chapter by chapter. It is a small group so there's plenty of room for discussion. We are currently on key 2, which is the heaviest. It takes much emotional work to get to the heart of it. Like Dr. Phil Says, "It's not what you're eating, it's what's eating you." Most of us have found it takes alot of courage to work this key. I hope you will consider it and join us.
Feel free to PM me if you'd like to discuss privately.
What else has changed?
], and I could go on for days about how much my life has changed. I always ask myself why didn't I 'get it' before? Just this morning, I was doing some crunches and I still didn't recognize my belly---it's too flat, that couldn't possibly be me! It's some new revelation every day!
