This is my first full day of vacation, we officially leave for our trip tomorrow. Today, after golf, I have a nail appointment and then we need to pack. I'm dreading the TSA lines at LAX tomorrow. We're planning on arriving at least 3 hours early, hopefully even earlier than that. But we're also thinking that Sunday should be the least busy day of the long weekend. Right?
Enjoy your trip! Can't wait to hear all about it.
It sounds like TSA is working really hard to minimize issues. That being said, I hate LAX. What a godawful airport.
I applied for global entry a week ago and hope I have it by my summer trips.
We're leaving in about an hour. I've already checked TSA wait times at LAX and we're looking at 2 to 14 minutes. That's a huge relief! But getting there will be a bit harder as they're saying the freeways are going to be busy due to the holiday.
I doubt I'll be back on here until we return, but I'll have some updates on Facebook for sure.
My Saturday weigh in: 144.2, just about the same as yesterday. It was humid outside and I drank iced tea and seltzer water and Coke Zero all day.
Finally, after about three years of planning, we've hung the bed crown and canopy drapes over my antique bed. I'm frustrated to report that while it looks great, I need a pair of tiebacks, and I don't know why I did not anticipate that. Also now I'm dissatisfied again with my bedroom, and I am irritated and out of sorts today. That cheval glass wasn't hung right when the restorer worked on it after the flood -- it's too tall, and too top-heavy. The tall dresser that I bought was too big for the room, and we had to turn it crosswise in a corner, always a bad furniture arrangement. The corner hanging cabinet hasn't been hung in its corner. And I still need to purge my apartment of stuff.
My Sunday weigh-in reflects my tension yesterday: 145.2.
We went to Connecticut and got a pair of brass tie-backs, probably from the 1920s, from a large antique gallery. As with everything in that corner of Connecticut, I overpaid slightly for the convenience of picking up something old and stylish as casually as I'd get it from the grocery store.
With antiques, in my experience, I've either paid in money or in time. That is, 1) if it's an easy purchase, with me just going into a high-end shop, it's expensive; or 2) if it's more reasonably priced, it's because I found it myself from repeatedly checking in over many months, even years, with dealers who are a step or two above the "picker" level, or from trawling through eBay for hours & hours.
What happened to Monday? Looks like I never got around to it. I believe it was 145.6. And now, on Tuesday, after the holiday, it's 146.7.
From that two and a half-pound gain, you'd think that I spend the holiday gorging on chips and potato salad and chocolate cake and burgers. But no, it wasn't like that. It hasn't been like that for years, ever since I lost over 100 lbs. Like maybe around 2006 or 2007, I forget when I became abstemious.
I did eat a rather salty, fibrous dinner of cannelini beans, escarole and chicken sausage with cauliflower and asparagus, topped off with the usual Quest bar, and I had a strenuous upper body day.
I know I've gained muscle over the past three months on a version of the PHUL program, but I've also added some fat. I can't decide quite what to do about that. I like lifting heavier weights. I was squatting 110 lbs and deadlifting 185 lbs this morning, and yesterday, I was benching 80 lbs -- which is nothing for a young, fit guy, but not bad for a slightly overweight woman of a certain age. If I were that guy, I'd be pleased about the weight gain and attribute it entirely to muscle. But I'm a woman, and appearance-fixated, and my upper arm flesh hangs loosely in swags like fabric when my arms are held out at certain angles, because there's a decent amount of skin left over from my weight loss, even years later, after many consecutive years or weights to "tone" those arms. So the climbing numbers aren't neutral or positive to me.
Saef-- I know what you mean about the arms.... mine look toned until I hold them out and see all the flesh/skin hanging down....
With my day off yesterday (and no family home), I took advantage of doing extra exercise.... I did bikram in the morning, body combat later, and a long walk in the afternoon. I'm very sore today, especially in my arms-- which I contribute to the boxing yesterday-- I have to imagine that would help my bat wings if I keep it up....
I know I've gained muscle over the past three months on a version of the PHUL program, but I've also added some fat. I can't decide quite what to do about that. I like lifting heavier weights. I was squatting 110 lbs and deadlifting 185 lbs this morning, and yesterday, I was benching 80 lbs -- which is nothing for a young, fit guy, but not bad for a slightly overweight woman of a certain age. If I were that guy, I'd be pleased about the weight gain and attribute it entirely to muscle. But I'm a woman, and appearance-fixated, and my upper arm flesh hangs loosely in swags like fabric when my arms are held out at certain angles, because there's a decent amount of skin left over from my weight loss, even years later, after many consecutive years or weights to "tone" those arms. So the climbing numbers aren't neutral or positive to me.
Saef, I've read and reread what you wrote, it hurts my heart to read it. I've been where it seems like you are, and I am only just now able to recognize how much it hurt me long term, and I still am not fully recovered.
Six years ago I was squatting 200#, bench pressed 120#, deadlift never got above 105# which I thought always sucked but I never focused on it as I hate it. I was running, I was lifting, I was strong, I looked great, I was eating right, I was at a healthy weight, I had built muscle, and I hated myself. All I could see was the saggy arms and cellulite on my legs and extra 10-15 pounds on the scale. I was wearing a smaller pants size at that ten pounds higher, but couldn't accept that. I couldn't handle not having a tiny waist and that I had a shapely bootie. I weighed every bite of food I ate, because I couldn't bear the thought of gaining any more weight. I worked myself into enough stress over the weight gain that I stopped the weight lifting and boosted cardio. I gained back fat over the muscle and hated myself more. That led to years of up and down cycles - frustration would lead me to falling off diet and exercise completely, then I would beat myself up with ultra low calories and over the top exercise for months as punishment for the lapse. Then I would fall again. Lather, rinse, repeat. I was miserable almost all of the time, even when I believed I was right as rain. I haven't been able to enjoy so many things over the years, because all I could think about was how it was going to impact my diet or my exercise or, or, or...
If I had been able to accept how great I was doing at that time, I believe that I might have been able to maintain that level of fitness and lifestyle. Instead, I've been on a self destructive wheel for six solid years. During that time I've had uncontrolled outbursts, I've hated my body, I've hated my job, I've had serious anger issues, stress problems, stomach problems, migraines, lost my ability to focus on reading, and been unable to enjoy a lot of things I used to love. I do know that a lot of those issues have been with me my entire life, and the diet and exercise obsession just brought them out in the open, the final symptom that brought into relief the mess inside my head. I'm just now turning that around, and I believe that it isn't exaggerating to say that it would have killed me or destroyed my personal life.
You have done fantastic things with your body - the weights you are lifting are inspiring, and the dedication that you give to healthy eating and taking care of yourself is amazing. You've lived through terrible stress with your apartment and the damage and the accident you were in and you've come out the other side maintaining that loss and still in control. But, you always sound so sad and disappointed in yourself. Like I said above, it breaks my heart. I wish you could see the things I see when I look at your life, and not see saggy arms and stress. And I hope that if you can't that it doesn't break you the way it almost broke me.
Last edited by Shannon in ATL; 06-01-2016 at 10:47 AM.
Shannon, that was such a lovely, heartfelt message that will touch everyone who has similar issues with their body. Thank you. I know I read that and recognized myself.
Shannon, oh, how I needed that. Scale at 147 today and I'm struggling, when I ought to be basking in the sun on this just-about-perfect day.
I love you and your honesty. Also am inspired by how you are focusing on meditation and trying to clear your head and instill a kinder way of thinking about yourself, even when it isn't easy.
I am feeling empty inside lately. It's hard to explain. I want to make an easy joke about a midlife crisis, but I won't, and instead, I'll say it's a search for some kind of meaning. There must be something beyond the corporate propaganda of capitalism and the whole self-improvement ethos that drives me.
Saef - It definitely isn't easy. I've never been good at being kind to myself. I've been self critical and screaming in my head at my failings practically from the womb. I understand the search as well - I've been at a crossroads with my career path lately, too. My culture isn't particularly corporate being a family owned business that thinks it is still small, but it is complicated. If there is anything I can do for you, please let me know. Take some time to bask in the sun today.
Shannon, that was a wonderful reminder of what really matters on this journey.
Saef, could you make a big change or two? For example, stop weighing altogether? I've not weighed myself for 3 months and I don't miss it. And/or take a plunge into something non-corporate, like nonprofit side work?
Hi all, forcing myself not to passively read others' posts yet again, and actually add to the conversation even though I don't feel like I have anything new to say.
Shannon, what a great post. It's interesting that you talk about "6 years ago" even though you reached your goal weight in 2008. Does that mean there were 2 years when you were fairly content? If so, what was the change between 2009 and 2010 that made you feel so much worse about your maintenance?
Saef, I couldn't agree more with Shannon and JZJ. Is there anything you can do to get outside of your head a bit? Join a choir, or volunteer at a soup kitchen, or adopt a pet (or teach English to a recent immigrant, or take a painting class, or ...)? I know you decided that you weren't ready/qualified to seek the promotion that you were interested in, but I think that talking yourself out of it may have made you feel "lesser" in your own eyes; at least, the tone of your posts went from overwhelmed with work before your vacation, to upbeat when you found out about the job opportunity, to suddenly cast adrift now. Coincidence?
Shannon, such a lovely and passionate post. Thank you.
Saef, I agree with the others' suggestions about getting away from work, and getting out of yourself somehow. Putting something or someone else first.
Garden starting to look good. Starting to relax a bit after a horrible few years. Weight and body pretty terrible but that should improve if I can continue to relax a bit.
I'm reading but not posting much. Same old, same old. My weight is pretty consistently right at my summer red line. I think my body is trying to tell me I'm able to weigh 135 with very little thought or effort. Just eat the same stuff, do the same things, and chug along. I'll take that as a win.
I'm dogsitting with the regular complications. It's the house full of alcohol. I'm staying pretty much in the living room, the den, and my bedroom. Easier to ignore all the booze if I'm not in the same room with it.
A/C broke last year and water ran through the ceiling of the office here. They got the A/C fixed but didn't bother to get it serviced this year. And they didn't bother to get the ceiling fixed either. Not due to lack of money.
So of course we're having a heat wave. I have taken steps to being able to run the A/C a bit at a time while I'm here. Don't think they'd make me pay for the ceiling if it collapses but can't take that chance. Sigh. Stressful.
