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Old 03-19-2014, 09:22 AM   #16
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Finally, Jen, I am a geriatric neurologist- my entire patient population consists of people like your father-in-law. Feel free to PM me if you have specific questions. But I echo what Dagmar wrote: "The older folks get the more they seem determined to stay at home." At 95, even if his mental acuity is perfect he really shouldn't live alone because of physical limitations. There are social workers through community organizations (e.g., in my area there is a "Tri-County Office on Aging) that may be able to help him come to terms with a more supervised (assisted living) setting- sometimes it's easier to accept it when it comes from a neutral 3rd party instead of family.
Thanks so much, Andrea. I think Dad would love to live in an assisted living facility, believe it or not. BUT sister in law is an extremely powerful personality and that discussion is OFF LIMITS because ALL assisted living facilities are horrible and terrible and where people die immediately because the conditions are so bad. And, oh, yeah, Home health care aides do nothing but stand outside and smoke and are useless, so we can't have one of those.

Can you tell I'm a little frustrated?

Jen
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Old 03-19-2014, 09:48 AM   #17
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Jen. And much sympathy.

FWIW, I sometimes say things like "That's not true", "We don't know that" and "Let's not let our imaginations run away with ourselves". I can sometimes stop these very unhelpful assertions and move them into more positive channels. I'm sure you do this in a professional capacity all the time. It might be time to bring your professional ability into play in the family context. (I'm speaking from a certain amount of experience here. But my reputation goes before me a bit in the family ....)
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Old 03-19-2014, 10:26 AM   #18
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FWIW from me as well: "Assisted Living" is not the same as "Nursing Home," and a lot of people haven't figured that out yet!

We have some really nice Assisted Living facilities in Florida, and I'd love to be living in one, but so far independent living is working OK. The time may come when it is not. I hope I won't be in denial when that time comes.

It sounds like your father-in-law wouldn't need a great deal of help. Assisted Living would be ideal for him. He would have his meals and cleaning done for him, and regular check-in on him. Plus he would have social and recreational activities. My mother really enjoyed Assisted Living once she got there. She went to the exercise class every morning--even though she had never been someone who exercised. It's all geared to residents' needs.

I think if your father-in-law wants to go, and your husband wants him to go, and you want him to go, then your sister-in-law is outnumbered. Look into what's available and prices, and take your FIL to see some places. SIL can go along or not, as you think best.
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Old 03-19-2014, 10:31 AM   #19
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Jen Again this sounds petty and mean-spirited but could SIL's refusal to allow dad to move partially be because such a facility would take away some $$$ from whatever she stands to inherit when Dad dies? One of my former clients went through this with her children - nasty!

Dagmar
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Old 03-19-2014, 11:17 AM   #20
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Silver - oh, but she DOES know because she is a SITTER and she sees it ALL THE TIME!

JayEll - You are exactly right - Dad is able to bathe himself and cook his own meals (once the cast comes off) and generally can function pretty well, so assisted living would be perfect. But he will NEVER argue with sister in law over this and DH won't either I don't think. Are you available to come talk with her? LOL I would go head to head with her, but he's NOT my father, either so....

And Dagmar, no, I have no hesitation in saying that this has nothing to do with money at all. She loves him very much and doesn't need his money even a little bit. It has more to do with her being a control freak know-it-all. She is now talking about wanting him to move in with her and her husband which dad would HATE because she will just be hovering over him all the time.

Sorry all for totally hijacking this thread with family drama!!!
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Old 03-19-2014, 11:23 AM   #21
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Sorry Jen you are going through this. After my mom died we moved my dad into assisted living. We were worried he would die within a year as his health was much worse than my moms. He actually improved a great deal due to regular meals and medications (rather than him forgetting to take or taking the wrong amount). He lived almost 8 years in assisted living and outlived all of his relatives by far. I hope you all can find some peace and an arrangement that works for everyone.
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Old 03-19-2014, 11:36 AM   #22
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My Dad complains all the time that the dinners he fixes are boring and often tasteless. Most of the time he heats up frozen dinners but he refuses to pay for some of the better ones, sticking to the very inexpensive (and yuckier IMO) ones. His "girlfriend" comes and cooks 2-3 times a week and for that he is grateful. He often takes her out for meals as well. I think he equates assisted living with nursing home, even though his mother lived in an assisted living center for years. He's just stubborn.

I look at assisted living centers here and just think that there is no way we'd be able to afford to live in the nicer ones. Wow! They can be expensive! Granted there are less expensive ones, but they aren't nearly as nice.

Andrea, good luck with the dog trainer! Let us know what you think of her.

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Old 03-19-2014, 05:27 PM   #23
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Jen, sorry, this all sounds very frustrating. My parents were in high school when I was born so I'm lucky that my mom is still young even though I'm 52! Dad died when I was young, he was a party guy. Great dad, just a product of the times. But I do have a MIL situation that is getting close to the stage you are in with your FIL so I'm taking in all this great advice and hoping things work out well for your family.
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Old 03-20-2014, 11:13 PM   #24
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Well, we had our session with the dog trainer tonight. She gave us a lot of information but promised to write it down and send it to me as well. She wants us to put a collar and leash on the dog to wear all the time in the house, so the kids can move him off the couches or away from their stuff without having to touch him. She also showed us how to take the leash and get him to do what we want without actually looking at him, just giving the command (down, or come) which she said would reinforce our dominance over him. And each DS is supposed to spend 5 minutes a day training him to sit, stay and fetch, so he gets more accustomed to obeying them. There was other stuff too, but I don't want to bore you all. The point is, she thinks he's pretty trainable and that he is exhibiting mostly fear aggression, for which she doesn't recommend an e-collar. We're going to try her recommendations for a month and then she'll come back. I'm keeping my fingers crossed; my oldest DH (15) is really really down on the dog right now since he got bitten a couple of weeks ago and keeps lobbying for us to give him away, but he used to love and snuggle the dog all the time, so I'm hoping that a few weeks of training will make him more comfortable again.
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Old 03-20-2014, 11:38 PM   #25
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Andrea - our small dog - gets the same way. If I don't stay on top of him, when he sits by me, he guards me. No one can come near me. So I use the spray air can. I forget what it's called but it just sprays air very loudly. He hates it and all I have to do is show it to him and he won't growl or show any aggression and I agree it's fear along with protecting me. Then we will go for a few months and I'll forget and he will start growling at anyone coming near me, so I get out the bottle again.

In other news DD is home for Spring Break but she got quite sick for 2 days. This has happened several times now -- when she gets home from college at Christmas and Spring Break! She always has so many exams prior to coming home that I think she just wears herself out. She went to one of those walk in clinics and it was strep, so she got antibiotics. Unfortunately, my throat is hurting now too! Hope I didn't catch it. Taking off tomorrow from school to hang out because she won't be home until August. Even though I will go see her in Monterey, it still makes me sad it will be so long for her to be home. Guess I better get used to it because she will graduate in a year and it is very unlikely she will live in Florida. She officially accepted the Monterey job and immediately heard from one of the New York city jobs! Oh well! She will have lived in NY for 4 years once she's done with school so getting to see CA is great - and the job out there sounds really good. I told her to ask them if they would have a fall internship that is PT because her work study job is not at all related to her major and pay isn't that great.

So DS and his GF are getting another dog tomorrow. A rescue dog - a German Shorthaired Pointer. They already have one rescue - that we got right after DS graduated from college when our Golden Retriever died. The two have played and get along well but they wanted to wait until Friday night so they would have the weekend to spend with him. So when they go out of town, guess who watches the dogs at our house? yep, it's DH and me!
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Old 03-21-2014, 12:40 PM   #26
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Andrea~good idea with the collar and leash. I find that Bogey listens to me better when he has his leash on, even if he's just dragging it around. I hope this helps the aggression issues.

My DD has two cats and I get to be their babysitter whenever she goes out of town. We haven't had them since Christmas so I'm not sure how Bogey would react with them but my FIL brought his cats over Sunday and Bogey was fine with them. And then this morning he chased Ringo for no apparent reason.

DS comes home tonight for his spring break from college. He goes to UCI and they just announced that President Obama is delivering this year's commencement speech. Too bad DS doesn't graduate for 3 more years. So my son is just over 6 feet tall and the kid on their basketball team is (I think) 7'8". They have a class together. DS says it hurts his neck to talk to him! Too funny, but I guess that's how my MIL feels when she talks to me!
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Old 03-21-2014, 03:54 PM   #27
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I'm tired today. I feel like I'm going around in big circles and not really getting anywhere.
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Old 03-21-2014, 05:39 PM   #28
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I'm tired today. I feel like I'm going around in big circles and not really getting anywhere.
Shannon. I hear you. I feel like I've been doing that for all of March so far. But spring IS coming.

My cold is really starting to kick in and I have to go and do a combined dinner walk with 5 dogs. They two groups live around the corner from each other so i thought it easiest to take everyone at once. The only one I have any concerns about is the yorkie mix. He doesn't get out with other dogs and can get quite aggro. I already know the 2 goldens will be afraid of him. And since it is 4 male dogs there will be a great deal of peeing all over everything.

TGIF! After the walk dinner, Vikings, and then cold meds and bed. Bleagh - I hate being sick on the weekend.

Dagmar
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