Reading your post actually made me take a hard look at myself as I was thinking of my response to you - I say to you take the job, write for yourself, take the risks. If they are what you want. Like Jessica said, you can adapt to the new situation and still take care of yourself. If you don't do those things out of fear of what might happen you walk closer to closing yourself off completely and giving over to the obsession of maintaining that image. You have to trust yourself to continue to take care of things, so you don't crash. And you can take care of things, you're awesome.
Shannon, yes, you understand. I've added boldface emphasis to the part of your post that speaks to my greatest fear, which is crossing the line into complete rigidity & obsession, probably clinically classifiable as an eating disorder. Yeah, let me call it what it really is: An eating disorder. That's the shapeshifting monster that I wrestle with. There is a really fine line between vigilance in maintenance and in dropping into those behaviors. Sometimes I'm on a balance beam, sometimes I lose my balance and fall off onto the unhealthy side. It doesn't help that, technically, it's not **physically** unhealthy, as I never eat more healthily or get more exercise than when I'm lost in the obsession.
I don't want my life to be all about defending and protecting my eating disorder and exercise obsession.
Jen-- you do look absolutely amazing! As someone else said (I'm too lazy to look back to see who), you are your own worst critic. I say that as I'm grumbling about my tummy today hoping no one asks if I'm preggo! I'm sure it isn't that bad but that's the way it looks to me!
Shannon-- those are difficult life contemplations you are considering and I totally understand. I was debating joining the meetup bunco group because I know there will be lots of unhealthy food and I won't get to exercise most likely on those days, but I joined anyway (haven't gone yet but it's a step!)
Ishbel-- congrats to your VIP-- that is something to be proud of. And can't wait to hear more about your upcoming nuptials!
Fingers crossed for you Saef. Hope you hear something positive soon!!
2015 workout goals:
175 Bikram yoga classes
175 other workouts
for a total of 350 workouts
The house guests are leaving today. And the housekeepers are coming, so my house will be MY house once again this afternoon!
In retrospect, it wasn't nearly as bad as I had said. I was just stressed with coming home from vacation with a sick husband (he caught a cold which I've gotten from him) and the stress of needing to get back to normal. It is Thursday and finally everything feels normal.
I need to remember that things like this are temporary and there will always be a way to make it all work out.
So I'm now focusing on the next 7 weeks--a week at a time. The rest of this week will play out nicely: Thursday night will be leftover pizza and salad (and no wine). Friday will be salad and something easy (and no wine). Saturday will be grocery shopping, golf and the Wine Women dinner at a fabulous restaurant (where there will be wine, but in small tasting amounts and food that is wonderful, but in small portions). Sunday starts with golf and hopefully a movie and then something I've FINALLY gotten to cook! I haven't cooked for over two weeks and I'm sorely missing it!
Next week, my Nutrisystem food ships so except for weekends there will be no cooking until after my birthday. I'm planning on quitting NS after this shipment. I think after all this time I can manage on my own.
First off, I want to thank all of you guys for your compliments. I'm sure I don't have to tell anyone here how INCREDIBLY uncomfortable it made me getting those compliments, though! I am not good at accepting compliments at all, especially when I don't see it myself.
Anyway, interesting discussions about work this week. I am in a bit of a weird situation - and no one hate me for this. I work for the state of NY. Which means I get paid really well, have extremely good benefits, and a great retirement plan - not to mention pretty sweet hours - 8-4 with an hour lunch! When I was younger, I never envisioned myself as remaining in New York once I graduated college, but then I met DH who was caring for his elderly parents and had no interest in leaving NY so I stayed here.
Now DH's mother is gone and his father is turning 95 this year and he is open to moving out of state! But I feel "trapped" because I will never be able to find such a good job with the pay and flexibility that I receive now!!
"I'm through accepting limits, cause someone says they're so. Some things I cannot change but 'til I try I'll never know!" ~ Wicked ~
"Have you ever looked fear in the face and said 'I just don't care!'" ~ Pink ~
Saef, I wonder sometimes what I would be doing if I lived by myself. I have DH and DSS to pull me out of myself and not let me go too far into the obsession. If I didn't I suspect that I just might find myself spending all of my time defending and protecting my own obsession. I've not thought of it as an eating disorder before, but you are right. That is exactly what it is. It is likely a manifestation of my already obsessive and controlling personality, but it has been allowed to take over into eating disorder territory. I don't want my life to be that either. The question I can't find an answer for right now is how do we get away from it?
Allison - I'm so glad that your house guests are heading out! Welcome back to your house.
Michele - I've thought that about my tummy, too. I remember you said that you had joined a bunco group, I hope it goes well.
Megan - I also am a creature of habit. I made a comment yesterday to my friend about being somewhat resistant to change even as a younger person and he laughed out loud and told me he was proud of me for admitting it. LOL
Thinking about the getting dressed sometimes just to feel normal - I tend to wander around the house in pjs or workout clothes, but if I find myself putting on sweatpants or other slouchy clothes I also feel fat. Even if I weigh less than the day before I feel like I've gained weight. I wonder if that is because I'm programmed to sweatpants and 'comfy' clothes to be worn when I'm up in weight? Not acceptable to be worn just to be comfortable? I have some yoga pants and some long nike ad adidas exercise capris - I'll wear those around the house on days I'm working from home when I'm feeling good, aren't they really just as slouchy?
Missed your post Jen - speaking as someone in a state without a lot in the way of benefits, I don't know if I'd be able to leave the job situation you have either. My DH has a great benefits package - 31 days of PTO, 15 of it from day one for a new hire, great insurance at low cost to the employee, flexible work hours, lots of great things. BUT - his company is based in Israel and they don't really think like most American companies. That would be a tough decision to make... Does DH want to move out of state?
Jen, if you want government job benefits, you could look for a government job in another state if you want to move. I know a few people who work for the government (and my parents both worked for the county government) and benefits and hours are pretty good across the board. Typically you have a bit of a trade-in for salary though -- you get better hours and benefits but a slightly lower salary working for the gov as opposed to private industry.
I think I remember "Tomato" and "Let's salsa!" or some combination thereof, and liking that person, at least as much as you can like someone solely based on their posts when you are a lurker and don't interact with them.
Shannon, I am thinking the only way to get away from rigidity and obsession is to make ourselves do things or agree to things that scare us a little or make us want to hunch inward on ourselves protectively. Sometimes we'll be able to, sometimes we won't. Sometimes it will turn out well, occasionally it won't. I just know that there have been obsessive and phobic women in my family & they led very small lives, such that I looked at them & thought: "I don't want to be that way." I understand them a lot better now than I did then. But still, I don't want that kind of life.
saef, your use of the word "supplicant" is spot on. That's always how I feel in interviews. It's why I hate the whole compensation question, because I always feel like I'm asking for more than I'm worth. Here's wishing us both luck, and quick results! I so hate waiting for the news.
I'm interested in the ongoing discussion about self-restriction. I worry that those of you who have successfully maintained for an extended period of time have a degree of control and commitment that has helped you to be successful in maintenance and that I lack. If smart, capable women such as yourselves need to impose rigid limits in order to continue to be successful, I fear that I am doomed to failure. I enjoy my daily exercise but the time some of you put in makes me feel like a poseur. And my eating habits are almost as bad as they were when I was at my heaviest. But while I envy your self-control, I sympathize with your concerns about the cost. Maybe it's because I'm older, but I find myself more and more feeling like I'd rather trade a few pounds for more social interaction, or more time to pursue my other interests.
What are people's plan for the weekend? I'm going to visit my favorite canine friend, a sweet Newfie who will give me a hug and make me feel less sad. And I've started watching Fringe on DVD, so I feel a marathon coming on.
I want to free myself from the burden of inaction. I want to raise myself to any plane I can imagine. ---Crowded House
Saef, for me, "feeling fat" always equates to my having let go. Let go of my diet routine, or my exercise, or my grooming, or even my work discipline. For me, feeling fat is the negative consequence of losing my self-control.
At the same time, I don't need as much regimentation as some in order to feel in control (and therefore, not fat). If I've exercised at least 3 times that week, if I've managed to stay at least approximately in maintenance range on calories, if the scale hasn't ticked upward more than a pound or so, I'm ok, even if I overate, had a mild binge (or two) or skipped exercising 2 days in a row.
You don't drown in the river by falling in, but by failing to get back up.
Steph-- are you maintaining? If so, it doesn't really matter how others are managing. It matters what you are doing. Please don't be so hard on yourself. We long term maintainers have been through ups and downs (on the scale and otherwise) and have learned through our trials and tribulations (hopefully-- more or less!).
I am sick today and not happy. I don't have time to be sick! It isn't an option. I was fine yesterday but there have been tons of sick kiddos at my school. I usually escape everything but on Wednesday morning I had close to 200 kindergartners all coughing and sneezing and one in particular looked very ill and sneezed all over me. I was so proud of myself for managing to go to both Zumba and Hot Yoga yesterday-- but I was thirsty and sneezed a few times-- didn't think much of it. But during the night I couldn't sleep-- my throat and head are killing me. I almost stayed home but then all of my classes can't come to the library. Some of the kids only come every other week as is. So, I'm going to try to push through. We'll see how it goes. I'm just bummed that my weekend plans may be derailed-- not that there were too many-- but dh is coming home tomorrow night.... I was planning on meeting my friend in the morning to weigh and have breakfast-- which meant I really needed to go to yoga again today......
I'll see how I feel later.... sometimes I can push through-- other times-- not so much.
2015 workout goals:
175 Bikram yoga classes
175 other workouts
for a total of 350 workouts
My vacation weight is slowly coming off. It would be faster if I were a bit more diligent.
Weekend plans might be slightly derailed. We've had two days of rain and the weekend was supposed to be rain-free, but now they're saying differently. We had planned on golf Saturday afternoon and Sunday morning. We'll see if that pans out or not.