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Old 12-06-2012, 11:42 AM   #46
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Oh Jen.... I think you and I have much in common.... and probably many of the other maintainers here too.... so much about control issues, mind games, etc.

I've been doing a great deal of contemplating the last few days about my feelings regarding my weight-- how I let it mentally control me and my moods so much. I was very happily maintaining 117-119 for close to two years and gradually over the last year my weight has crept up. I can't really pinpoint why. It's gotten me quite frustrated. On Monday when I was 128 on the scale, I had a hard day mentally-- I was doing a lot of self-loathing talk-- If I'm working so hard to keep my weight off and I'm going to gain it back anyway-- I might as well eat what I want and enjoy myself! Seriously-- that's what I was telling myself. I am so tired of watching everyone at work eat all the crap while I abstain-- it was quite the topic the other day when the teachers had a meeting in the library-- there was a huge bowl of candy (on my desk of course)-- as everyone kept coming up and getting candy they kept remarking about how I never eat the stuff (as I was madly chewing my carrots and trying to ignore the candy). I said that no-- I don't because I can't control myself. I started really missing the days that dh and I would share a large (pound) bag of peanut M&M's. I haven't had one in years.

The last few days my weight is starting to shift back down. I was 124 this morning and my redline is 125. So, why should 4 pounds make such a difference mentally? I don't know-- but it does.

Now I'm concerned because dh comes back today after being gone for two weeks. It was his last real trip of the year. He always says that I should be able to "really focus" on my weight and exercise when he's gone so I can have some "fun" with him when he's home. Meaning he'll want to go out to eat to somewhere where it will be very difficult to make good choices. I'm mad that I didn't make more progress while he was gone but I was sick, busy, trying to run a house, take care of four animals, put out the fires with my girls, etc.

So, more self discovery is needed I think.

Dh is planning on taking me to lunch today so I'll have to be careful. I weigh in Saturday morning at Weight Watchers and I'd love to be down a bit more before then.

Let's not even mention the impending holidays and all that entails....
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Old 12-06-2012, 06:40 PM   #47
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Ahh Christmas and the rest of the holiday season



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Old 12-06-2012, 10:40 PM   #48
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Well, I made it through today without a complete meltdown. I did a core workout at noon and came home and walked on the treadmill with a deep incline. No pain at all. Then stretched and stretched and had DH use the foam roller on me.

Weirdly, I have been really hungry the last couple days - I'm not sure if that's stress/anxiety or do you guys think it's possible that it's because of my body healing itself?

I've been really distracted, scatterbrained, and irritable and I want that to stop.

Michele, I hear you about work! I watched our security guy STUFF chocolate covered oreos in his mouth today, and I was disgusted and jealous at the same time. I also remember the days of buying snacks and sweets and eating them without a care in the world! Tomorrow we're having a small lunchtime celebration for someone who is retiring and of course there will be cake. If I have even a small piece I will also have negative self-loathing talk and if I don't I'll be resentful.

And to think - when I was Obese I was absoulutely CERTAIN that if I were thin, life would be SO easy!!!!!
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Old 12-07-2012, 12:30 AM   #49
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CherryPie99 View Post

And to think - when I was Obese I was absoulutely CERTAIN that if I were thin, life would be SO easy!!!!!
Isn't that the truth!? I thought I would always be happy if I was thin! Realistically I knew that wasn't true, but I don't think I realized how often I would blur the lines between whether I felt thin or not. I was thinking more today about how I was ready to throw in the towel (almost) at 128, WHICH IS A PERFECTLY HEALTHY WEIGHT! Seriously? Why would I even consider going back to being obese? I certainly wasn't happy then.

Dh returned from Belgium (and Singapore and Malaysia) with Belgian Chocolates for me. I thanked him profusely and told him I'd have one Saturday (after my weigh in). He still acted like his feelings were hurt and suggested I have one today. I didn't.
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Old 12-07-2012, 08:01 AM   #50
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Quote:
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Isn't that the truth!? I thought I would always be happy if I was thin! Realistically I knew that wasn't true, but I don't think I realized how often I would blur the lines between whether I felt thin or not. I was thinking more today about how I was ready to throw in the towel (almost) at 128, WHICH IS A PERFECTLY HEALTHY WEIGHT! Seriously? Why would I even consider going back to being obese? I certainly wasn't happy then.

Dh returned from Belgium (and Singapore and Malaysia) with Belgian Chocolates for me. I thanked him profusely and told him I'd have one Saturday (after my weigh in). He still acted like his feelings were hurt and suggested I have one today. I didn't.
Tell your DH to send the chocolates to me - I'll eat 'em and send profuse thanks, hugs, and kisses if he likes. Did I mention I've never had Belgian chocolates actually from Belgium?

I think I would have had one chocolate were I in your shoes michele. One chocolate doesn't derail maintenance for me. But we are all different and have to make our own choices.

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Old 12-07-2012, 08:56 AM   #51
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Just a thought--I don't think anyone here who wants to "throw in the towel" wants to go back to being obese! I think instead it's wanting to stop with the endless restriction stretching forever into the future.

It's wanting to throw in the towel on the mindset that makes eating ANYthing that's not precisely on plan, or having to skip even ONE day of exercise, into a moral failing that brings up tremendous anxiety. And, the danger is all-or-nothing thinking, which turns anything other than perfection into complete failure and an excuse to go whole hog, so to speak.
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Old 12-07-2012, 09:38 AM   #52
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michele, I understand where you are coming from but I have absolutely no words of advice. I can only share my experience, I am doing well, right now but I can truly say I don't know why. I don't have a light bulb moment. I know I don't want to go back to being obese, I have been there several times, don't like it.
JayEll mentions perfectionism, I am a perfectionist , not that everything I do comes out perfect, my perfectionism takes the route, if I can't do it perfectly, I won't do it all. It has taken me years to figure that out.
I guess what it comes down to is, what do I want and what am I willing to do to get it ? I want to be at a healthy, appropriate weight for my height but it I get tired of maintaining . I pretty much think about food and how to maiintain my loss most of the time It gets very tiresome, boring, even. Many is the time I just want to say to heck with it and in the past I have done that and I was not happy with the results.
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Old 12-07-2012, 10:34 AM   #53
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I tend to agree about the endless restrictions. It does become monotonous. Why I even put egg nog on my shopping list (but have to check to see if we have dark rum to add to it). One carton will not be my undoing. In fact, I seriously believe that I won't finish that carton. But I'd like at least one egg nog this season, therefore I will have it.

I do, however, see the need for restrictions IF they are triggers for binges. I've come up with a solution for my binges (which aren't the typical binges, but perhaps merely overeating). I like crackers. And cheese. I have been allowing myself four crackers topped with small pieces of cheese each afternoon when I come home from work. This is when my stomach is most growly. If I allow myself this little indulgence it stops the BLTs that I used to cave into while fixing dinner.

You all know I've decided to give up "dieting" for the holidays. My goal is to maintain and return to dieting in January. So far things are fine. I'm up slightly, but not anywhere to the point of panic. Hanging in there, so to speak. I think my portions have gotten a bit too large, so I need to concentrate on that for now.
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Old 12-07-2012, 11:24 AM   #54
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Perfectionism-- yes, that is my middle name.....

No, one piece of chocolate wouldn't have derailed me. But, I only weigh in officially once a month and I hate to see that number go up. I know it will be up this month, and if I had that one piece of chocolate it would have been at least .5 pound higher if not more. Even without the chocolate, I was up .8 today from yesterday for no reason I can figure out.

Dh and I snapped at each other this morning over what morning TV to watch during breakfast. That's what happens when he travels so much-- we get into our solitary routines and have to figure out how to live with each other again! Silly, I know!

Bargoo-- I like what you said. You said that you don't want to give it up and be obese since you've done that before and you weren't happy there. This is/was my first time losing a major amount of weight. I certainly don't want to have to start over. Better when it's a minor amount of weight to concentrate on rather than a major amount.

TGIF!

Crazy work day hopefully followed by bikram yoga and sushi tonight.
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Old 12-07-2012, 11:46 AM   #55
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I overslept this morning and once again, experienced exactly what black-and-white thinking can mean: Because I couldn't get to the gym at the time I'm "supposed to" go there, and would therefore not have time to complete my full Friday routine, I didn't go. Instead I've decided I'll go after work.

But not doing what I'm supposed to, exactly when I'm supposed to, has left me uneasy. I know I'll have no peace till I do what I set out to do & prove that this is not a sign of a serious relapse.

I've been thinking about this over the past day or two. I want to call it the Reverse Cinderella fear. It's like when I was fat, I lived a slightly dimmer and more difficult life. And then I lost weight, and I got to live it up, like Cinderella at the ball. But I have a fear it's temporary, that it occurred through some kind of magical spell, which only persists if I keep up with daily exercise and extremely careful choices. Otherwise, the spell ends, and the improved life, too, will end, just like Cinderella's big night -- that one slip-up means everything turns back into a pumpkin again, with rags & ashes all around.

I didn't claim this was rational. I know it's magical thinking. I mean, I'm naming the feeling after a fairy tale. But I am saying, that is how it feels.

If I name it and poke a little fun at it, maybe it will be less fearsome and have less sway over me.

And I talk about it here in case someone feels the same way & this helps them recognize themselves & helps them get a handle on their own behavior, too. For many of you it's going to be hard to relate to, and "Snap out it!" and "How can someone with insight still persist in neurotic behaviors?" Compulsions are hard to break. For me, it seems I just replace one set of compulsions with another set, although the new versions are ostensibly healthier. But they are equally dictatorial. Common sense withers in the face of compulsions, BTW. There is something irrational going on with which the rational mind has difficulty battling.
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Old 12-07-2012, 12:08 PM   #56
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Saef, I am feeling quite the familiarity with your Reverse Cinderella feeling.

I have a lot of insight into my neurosis, yet I persist in them. I'm frustrated with my current size and weight, yet I make bad (bingelike) food choices. I know that yoga will make me feel better, yet I don't get up and do it. Today my MIL was at my house when I woke up, she stayed with DSS for us to go to a holiday party last night. As a result I couldn't exercise in the garage before work, or didn't feel like I could. So now I'm all stressed and worried about getting it done after the boys are settled down after bath. I know that even if MIL had not been there I would have quite likely gone back to bed, but right now I'm blaming it on the change in my routine. I know that I'm making excuses for myself, yet I continue to make them.

Michele - I hear you on the perfectionism, and I can give you kudos for the chocolate. Have one on Saturday and enjoy it with gusto.

Jen - there is a great yoga stretch for the IT band that I can't remember the name of. You stand with your feet together, then lift one foot and cross it over in front of the other so you are standing tall with your ankles crossed over the other and the outsides of your feet together. Forward fold and place your palms (or fingertips in my case) on the ground. I've done a lot of others that were great as well, but this one is my favorite. And, found a picture!
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Old 12-07-2012, 12:39 PM   #57
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I recently saw on another forum a thread where the poster was proclaiming how easy it is to maintain, three or four others agreed. I don't find this to be true for me, it takes constant effort, day after day, meal after meal. I can relax a little now but I can't ever forget what will happen if I go back to old habits.
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Old 12-07-2012, 12:47 PM   #58
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"In the beginning it is roses, roses. Later on it is thorns, thorns."
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Old 12-07-2012, 12:52 PM   #59
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Bargoo, I will say that I found maintaining very easy for the first year. My stomach was used to eating small quantities, and I would get full very easily, and in general it was actually easy. However, while maintaining for a year was easy, maintaining *forever* is not so easy! I have certainly had my share of ups and downs, and I have toed the line of "overweight" once or twice over the past 7 years. Still, I've never come close to being as heavy as I once was, so overall I think it's been a win for me.

That said, I have never suffered from an eating disorder or compulsive eating behaviors. To a point, anyway -- I like to say I'm OCD without the O, because I do have quite a lot of compulsions and things I need to do in a specific way, but I don't have the crushing anxiety that something horrible will happen if I do it wrong. So when it comes to food, for me my compulsions are things like how I need to chew the same quantity of food on the left side of my mouth as on the right side, and if I'm eating bite-sized things (like, blueberries or something) I need to alternate which side of my mouth I chew on. I know it's crazy, but I just have to do it that way. I am also the person who walks only on the colored tiles at the grocery store.

So in any case, I am certainly a compulsive person in general, but never in a severe enough way for it to be a problem. I feel like this makes it easier for me to maintain than for someone who has suffered from binge eating disorder or severe depression or another condition that involves a form of anxiety disorder. I compulsively weigh myself every morning and I always do it after I take my towel off the rack but before I get into the shower, and I have to put the scale lined up parallel to the cabinet and directly in the beam of light from the light bulb, and I have to put the scale back exactly into the corner and make sure it's touching fully on two sides, but I don't worry about the number unless it's steadily going upward and it's over my red line.

I suppose we are all neurotic in our own special ways.
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Old 12-07-2012, 01:20 PM   #60
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Yes, Jessica, I have heard that everybody has a little bit of OCD, mine is numbers, I am a counter, if I walk up or down a flight of stairs, I count, when I walk out to my car, I count how many steps I take. The interestng thing about this is accuracy doesn't matter I might go something like this, 13, 14, 15, 22,23,3 , 4 7, 10, 11 etc. Doesn't matter if the number is right it just seems to be important to count. I also have scraps of paper on my desk with lists of numbers, I know what they are but they are of no importance, whatsoever. I have often thought if I am ever murdered and detectives come looking for clues, they will go crazy trying to figure it out.
I am actually pretty good at this, I can carry on a perfecty normal conversation with someone and at the same time be counting how many cars in the parking lot or how many windows in the building across the street.
I went to my book club yesterday and one of the members is a Psysho Therapist but has been ainactive for awhile, her husband is urging her to renew her license seems she is analyzing him all the time..
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