I also play these head games with myself, and it sounds like we're in agreement in some things! I refuse to eat half a banana, unless I am trying to make one last bc I won't go to the store (like put half in oatmeal one day and half the next bc I won't go to the grocery store by then and I love banana in my oatmeal). I admit I try to buy the smaller bananas, but I won't restrict them. It wasn't overeating bananas, or lentils, or... that got me to 210 lbs in the first place, and it wasn't overeating bananas or lentils that caused me to regain 27 lbs. It was cocktails, some "occasional" foods that became "more often" foods, and larger portions of everything. Actually thinking back I don't think my fruit & veggie portions increased - because I always eat 1 banana, 1 apple, etc. lol.

I will admit too that I won't end up at a weight where I can't ever drink a glass of wine or have dessert. But it will be a weekly thing, not daily. However it seems I have to give up more of those things to lose the weight... and I've accepted that, for now.

Interesting perspective from other racers, Shannon. I must admit my thoughts usually follow yours, like when I see people at the gym work out lightly for 30 minutes and drink a Gatorade and eat a protein bar or friends who tell me they are trying to eat healthy so they had granola or a taco salad ("I ate salad!") etc... I think to myself it's silly, but I don't say anything. I know I'm far too sensitive about food myself.

I am "overweight" right now as well. If (WHEN) I get back to my goal weight I won't be, but that isn't why I'm trying to get back there. Even then I'm on the higher end of recommended weight for my height, and when I was at that weight accepting it was a struggle for me. I tell myself I'm very muscular, and then I tell myself to stop telling myself that bc I might be making excuses for myself. :dizzy: But I felt good there, felt healthy and confident. I have realized with this 4 year regain and struggling to lose process, there are friends who have only known me as the current pudgy version (though a teensy bit less pudgy this spring), and don't know my history, etc. They talk to me differently than friends who do know my history. It doesn't help with the head games.: I guess my point is that I understand exactly what you mean! :dizzy

krampus, as a fellow "flattie", I've learned a few things that are kind of helpful when one is feeling um, "breasticularly challenged". 1, little ones work just as well as big ones for the function of feeding babies. 2, you can always fake 'em upward for those items of clothing that require them, and 3, they will stay put on your chest for many more years due to their reduced exposure to gravity. :D And they stay out of the way while exercising. It's all good! The metal festival sounds like great fun.

allison, I saw the pic you posted of you and DH - you two look so good together! I'm really curious about the "starchy thing" at dinner. Hoping it's a good week for Chico! Congrats to DD!

bargoo, up at my height the range of normal weight is something like 40 lbs - it's probably half that down where you are, I'd imagine? I don't perceive you as fussing about it - to me you are just diligent and focused.

saef, I absolutely agree that sanity is more important than where a number falls on a chart. A while back, somewhere around the start of the year, the thread was active with a discussion of "what does the scale number really mean" ... and as I recall, the idea of it as a symbol instead of an absolute had some traction. I am "skinny fat" - my scale comes nowhere near reflecting the state of my current or future health. I get to be "OK"; yet I would venture to guess I may well be the least fit of anyone on the thread and at risk because of it. The decision that I need to make, in my parallel universe to yours, is not so much related to what I'm capable or willing to give up in terms of food to achieve a number - it's more of how much time I can give/wrestle/devote/carve out to MOVING more to get into the truly healthy sphere. Without making myself crazy(er).

shannon - saw your FB post - congrats on the incredibly awesome time! :D I have to chuckle a little about the post-race feeding; based on some of the races I've seen in our town, the majority of runners are in the first group you mentioned. :lol:

megan, I have a similar issue - I remember myself rather horrified at being 150# in HS and always wanting that number to be lower ... I couldn't reconcile it with the 11% body fat and being able to bench press the same 150#. Now I'm seeing the same scale number, but at maybe triple the BF and probably can't bench press a can of soup. (well, not quite that bad, but still!). Head games, yes. One of the ladies in my water aerobics class is an ex-bodybuilder. Today, she looks, well, like a typical middle aged lady with maybe 20 pounds she could lose - no one would know her history. I envy her in that she knows how good she can look, that she was THERE. And then she starts in with the same destructive, nasty self-talk, and I realize that those head games are everywhere.

I'm starting to hate weekends. It's not a good thing.

I figured out my problem. I have not been recording my food for the past two weeks. Back with it today in hopes that the 4.5 pounds that I've managed to regain will GO AWAY!

We went out to dinner last night to celebrate DD's graduation. Fabulous new restaurant. DH had veal, the kids had a pasta dish, my in-laws shared a paella for two and I had seared scallops. We all started with salad. The complimentary appetizer was olives and a few small pieces of bread to dip in olive oil or smear some pate on. We shared some desserts, of which I ate one bite of each.

Allison, how is Chico ? I hope he will continue to recover.

Dh and I went to our first scuba lesson in the water, and I'm officially backing out. It was making me way too anxious. The point is to have fun and enjoy it, not worry. We did the swim test first. We had to swim 200 yards without stopping. I did fine with that. Dh struggled because he has been having severe allergies and asthma and was having trouble catching his breath (though he didn't tell the instructor of course). Then we had to tread water for 10 minutes. Again, I did great and dh looked like he was going to die. But we both passed. Then we donned our masks and snorkels and practiced "skin diving"-- diving under water and blowing out the snorkel, and practiced retrieving weights from the bottom of the pool. I didn't do too well. I had trouble remembering how to breathe, when to blow out, etc. and I ended up with no air. I almost passed out. Everyone else seemed fine. Plus I was freezing. The pool is heated but I was shaking and chattering. Dh called the scuba people and hopefully we will get some money refunded or at least credited and we can buy fins and/or skins to wear for snorkeling. I figure I can have just as much fun snorkeling and maybe I can learn better how to go under while snorkeling. Baby steps.

I'm also considering a job move possibly. I'm so torn as to whether or not I even want to pursue it as I love my job, but it is an opportunity that may not present itself again. However, I think it would involve more schooling. I'm trying to figure out the details so I can make an informed decision.

I gave him is oral chemo this morning and am quite anxious about it--I don't want him getting sick to his stomach, but so far (4 hours later) he's fine. We head to the vet at 9 AM for a recheck--possibly he'll be able to go without his stockinette that is used for compression because he developed a seroma and I can't find any evidence that it is still there. He's a lot more chipper the past few days and I have not given him his pain meds, either. I think he was too doped up on the pain meds. I do have them with me in case I think he looks like he hurts.

We left him home on Friday for many, many hours--6 or more while at work and another 7 when we drove into Fullerton. I think he slept a lot and that really helped him.

Oh, and I've been fixing food for him to supplement his kibble. Saturday I roasted two turkey breasts and then shredded the meat. Then I cooked about 4 pounds of sweet potatoes and two pounds of chicken livers and chopped all that up and mixed it with the turkey. That should last about two weeks. He loves it!

I think I had a real live panic attack when I was bikini shopping on Sunday - I got so flustered I couldn't interact with people normally and kept stammering and sweating and my heart was racing wildly. I survived (with my purchase) and later on modeled it for BF while he helped me do assisted chin-ups. I don't know what triggered it - I got SO worked up and upset I felt like crying!

Krampus, that must have been frightening. I know people who've had panic attacks so violent that they were convinced there was something physically wrong with their hearts or their lungs. I remember my father being prostrated once at home and the RN who lived next door coming over to check him and reassure him.

What happened? Did you do this alone, or was someone with you? When did you start to experience symptoms, when you were trying on the swimsuit, or before that? Did you leave the dressing room to check the more helpful triple mirrors that are sometimes in dressing room? That would be a vulnerable moment & would personally make me feel exposed. When we put on bathing suits, we kinda rely on social conventions and context to protect us. ("Yeah, it's okay, I'm in a bathing suit, but I'm at the pool/on a beach/tanning. No, I'm not in my underwear on a catwalk.")

I'm sorry you went through that, but glad you felt well enough later on to model the bikini. (In fact, getting assists on chin-ups from a good-looking guy while you are wearing a bikini sounds, um, pretty good to me ... can't you tell there's nothing of the sort happening around here these days? ;-)

You need to go swimming in it. Then maybe it'll feel more like exercise clothes or even hiking gear.

Sorry you experienced that, but I'm glad you still made a successful purchase. I was having a panic attack regarding the scuba classes/ lessons so I know how you were feeling. It isn't usually a rational fear, but it is real nonetheless. :hug:

Thank you for your kindness, saef and michele.

saef - I was just regular flustered when I was there, but I kept darting between the rack and the fitting rooms (This was at Zumiez, a teenage skateboarder store at a shopping mall) and the male clerks (could not tell if they were gay or not) kept commenting how I looked like I was "on a mission" and it just made me uncomfortable as heck. I didn't really start to feel weird until I'd left the store, when I ran into an old friend/sorta-ex and his lady friend at H&M and couldn't stop BABBLING like I had no social skills. Many of my friends and my father, also, suffer from crippling anxiety/panic problems. I never got it, but I think Sunday may have been a taste. Either way, I've moved on. I hope you'll find yourself hoisted around by a hot dude while wearing a bikini - though I suspect you wouldn't need any assistance ;)

Michele, I'm sorry scuba diving was more stressful than fun - that is terrifying, to feel like you are drowning and unable to keep up with others.

Actually, this is sounding pretty good to me, too, or at least the turkey breasts and the sweet potatoes do.

He is a very well-loved dog, and he knows it.

Long weekend = weight gain. That's OK - I was expecting it. I had all non-healthy foods in moderation (instead of binge eating alone). Salad and BBQ season has arrived and I will be taking full advantage.

Anyone suggest a good book/web site for "modern" salads? I have a book from long ago that seems a little quaint and I'm kinda at a loss.

Thanks!

Dagmar :bike:

Stupidly stood on the scale this morning, though it's not a weigh-in morning for me, to see what damage was being caused by all that lingering fluid retention in my feet and my will-it-never-end time-of-month, which is now on its ninth day. And the voice inside me was savage. All kinds of self-reproaches and self-deprecation. This led to many glances in the mirror at the gym, which for me don't indicate vanity, but a need for reassurance, to show myself that I have not bloated up like the Michelin Tire Man. The self-hatred didn't even let up while I was lifting dumbbells and bench-pressing, at least not till the very end, when cardio wiped me out. I was full of a deep dark sorrow, even while working & sweating, and felt I must be seeping inky blackness into the atmosphere, like a squid. Thinking that I work hard, but it amounts to very little unless I restrict more on food. Which I don't really wish to do. I'm in deep conflict right now, which mirrors my conflicted feelings about going through another move.

But this I know: I don't want to stay Upstate. And I don't want to be overweight and unhealthy.

Will those voices please shut the f&^%$# up? I am doing the best that I can under the circumstances.

Last week I made it with turkey, sweet potatoes and peas. It was quite good and I didn't mind if I got some on my hand when putting it in his kibble--I'd just lick it off. This time, with the chicken livers, it isn't as enticing, but he likes it better. When I did the peas, I should have pureed them first. He had a hard time licking up a whole pea. Too slippery.

So I decided my problem is that I stopped logging my food. So I'm back to logging. It makes me more accountable.

DD wants to take me to the gym today which means I'll probably have to take the afternoon off of work to fit it in. DH wants to go see Battleship tonight after dinner. And I have to take my car in for service so I'll be without a car for errands.

You are! You know this! So do tell them to shut the he-double hockey sticks up.

But Saef I am glad to hear your apartment is making progress.

I am holding even, I suppose. I ate well over the weekend but not great. Emma and I got tons of exercise on the beach. I tried to continue my "prep for the week on Sundays" habit and was stymied Sunday when I tried to start my car to go to the grocery store... and it wouldn't start. It's not a big deal, the started is going out, but BF was out of town and I didn't know that until he got home and looked at it at 7 PM. By then I just didn't want to go to the store, so dinner was homemade pizza, and last night and tonight I will be scrambling to get dinner cooked before I gnaw my arm off in hunger. Still I'm making my healthy lunches and gyming it up so I feel ok.

Dagmar, long weekends always seem to mean extra food. Good for you for practicing moderation. This weekend is the long Memorial Day weekend her in the U.S. Oh, joy. Tourists, extra food, and alcohol. I think I'll take the dog to the beach instead.

Michele, I'm sorry you didn't like your dive class. Can I just say that a lot of people have trouble with skin diving and diving deeper. It's taken me a long time to get comfortable. I still prefer to just snorkel at the surface, where my snorkel is still sticking in the air, and only diving shallow depths (<6 feet) so I don't have to clear my ears. Diving with a regulator is very different. But... if you don't want to do it, you don't want to do it. Enjoy the snorkeling at least!

Krampus, well, it sounds like your BF likes your bikini! I've had semi-panic attacks at odd times, too, and yes, during shopping trips. I try to tell myself what Stacy and Clinton say on What Not to Wear. It's not my body that's the problem, so don't be upset with it, it's the clothes. I just need to try on some things to find what flatters me the best. Hope it doesn't happen again.