Time To Face It, I'm In A Mess

[Loving Me]

Hi ladies,
Sorry I haven't replied til now, the last couple of days have been a huge struggle.
Thank you all SO much for your responses to my post, for your hugs, kind words, concern and advice, you will never know how much they mean to me right now.
Unfortunately I found out on Monday that my old therapist is no longer dealing directly with patients, he has been promoted and is now dealing with improving access to therapy in our area. Good for others, definitely not good for me...
So I have made an appointment with my own doctor for next Monday and have made a list of everything that is happening here and all the symptoms and emotions I'm feeling on a daily basis.
I've kept trying to convince myself over the last couple of days that I'm ok and can handle this on my own, but yesterday when I didn't want to go to the gym to do my all time favourite class I knew I was in serious trouble. The anxiety I'm feeling right now over doing the simplest things, ie making my DD's lunch for school the next day! is just crazy. Anyway, I forced myself to go to the gym and have done the same again today as exercise really does help even if only to help clear my head a little and give me a lift for an hour or so.
DH and I have talked more and we've discussed that for the last 2 years almost I've had the goal of losing the weight and challenging myself to up my workouts, running longer distances, trying new classes etc. Now I just feel like I don't have anything to aim for, and we've also discussed that we've really got nothing planned for me to look forward to either in the near future. I don't know what the answer to that is, decide on a new fitness goal, plan something to look forward to? Right now getting through each day is such a challenge I don't feel I have anything left...
I'm freaking out that if I'm honest I know I need medication, but I'm terrified it will make me gain weight. However I know that I can't carry on like this, so I'm going to see the dr and explain how I feel to him and see if there is any alternative. I've also dug out some St John's Wort tablets this morning that I bought a while back and have begun those in the hope that maybe they may help. I'm back to eating on plan and the binge gain from the weekend is slowly coming off again so back to dealing with those 5 or so lbs now...

[alinnell]

Originally Posted by Loving Me

I don't know what the answer to that is, decide on a new fitness goal, plan something to look forward to?

I think you've got your answer right there. Find something to do that will take some work to attain the goal. How about training for a half marathon? How about planning a vacation that includes some hiking? I'm sure you can come up with something that you can do that will both take time and planning and then once done you'll have another accomplishment. It sounds like you need something to look forward to. Even if those things are small--you could even set small daily goals like getting to the gym and doing something nice for your husband and daughter.

[paperclippy]

Could your old therapist possibly recommend a new one for you?

[JayEll]

I wonder if it would help for you to look to other things besides controlling your body as goals. As saef said, you are more than your weight loss or maintenance. Do you have a job? Do you have favorite hobbies? Are there volunteer activities you could participate in?

I hope you find a new therapist, and I like the idea that your old therapist might be able to suggest a new one. My fear is that when faced with a list of your problems, your GP doc will just prescribe meds.

Jay

[Bright Angel]

Originally Posted by Loving Me

for the last 2 years almost I've had the goal of losing the weight
and challenging myself with my workouts..

Now I just feel like I don't have anything to aim for,
I don't know what the answer to that is,
decide on a new fitness goal, plan something to look forward to?
Right now getting through each day is such a challenge I don't feel I have anything left...

I've gone through many stages of similiar feelings myself,
and have found that sometimes trying to ESCAPE the feelings just makes them worse.
Once I ACCEPT the feeling, and just allow myself to feel it,
it tends to dissapate.
Also, working toward a positive focus has become a big help for me.

I am not without a current goal.
My goal to lose weight, has shifted to be a goal to maintain my weight-loss,
which I find to be far more difficult.
If I can be of any help to you, please contact me.

[ncuneo]

Lovingme...I'm not sure what to say, but I can relate. This transistion has been a struggle for me too and I've really had to find other hobbies so to speak.

I was close to where you are now a week or two ago, but have somehow come out the otherside. I was ready to go back to therapy and even give drugs a try, but something has just shifted. I wish I could share that with you, but I'm honestly not sure what it was. It's just this unconditional self acceptance and knowing that no one is perfect and NO ONE give a sh*t what I weigh, they'll love me either way if they're really my friends. And I will love me either way.

I just want to extend my support and if there is anything I can do to help please PM me. It breaks my heart to see another in so much pain. Hang in there!

[traveling michele]

How are you feeling loving me?
Still thinking about you and hoping you are doing well.

[Loving Me]

Still really struggling here I'm afraid.
DH's car broke down yesterday and it sounds like it could cost more to fix than it's worth so if that's the case we will have to fine a newer car, and we have no money to pay for it.... This is really causing me a lot of extra anxiety and although I've so far managed to stay calm I know I'm on the verge of another meltdown.
We will hopefully find out tomorrow what the situation is, and I've got my dr's appointment then as well, so it's going to be a very stressful day.
One positive is that I've managed not to binge all week so far even with feeling as bad as I have, 6 days binge free. My weight is still high though, the top of my maintenance range, and it's really worrying me as I can't figure out why it's not coming down when I'm not binging, but I'm hoping if I can just continue as I am it may start to drop again in the next week or so without the weekend binge weight to deal with.
I did think of something else earlier this morning which although doesn't make me feel better really, has made me think more rationally. I hit my goal early in January and although I've lost and gained a few lbs since then, I'm actually still just under my original goal, so really I guess I can say that I've maintained my weight loss for almost 6 months now. I'm not happy that I'm up from my low weight, but I guess in terms of maintenance it's a positive on the whole.

[Mudpie]

about the car. I hope you find some solution.

And congratulations on the 6 months' maintenance.You are the same height and weight range as me. Unlike me you managed to get to below your goal weight and have been maintaining there.

Sometimes it's hard to think of maintenance as an accomplishment. The goal is more elusive and less clear. We tend to reward ourselves for numbers changing, not staying the same.

I hope you get help from your doctor tomorrow. Maybe she/he can give you the name of a therapist and some meds to tide you over until you start therapy?

Please keep posting and let us know what's happening.

Dagmar