[elleohelle]

I've been struggling very hard to not be angry at myself and the world for letting myself be fat for so long. Some of the things I hoped I would be able to have once losing weight are just not going to happen. I really wanted to be able to find clothes that would fit me and flatter me. But I've been left with sagging skin on my stomach, thighs, and arms. Not to mention really saggy boobs. It is what it is. I don't have the time or money to go under the knife. But the everyday reminder makes me feel like ****. And the fact that if I had good eating habits and not dealt with some very difficult life phases, I would probably look like a normal 20 something year old woman.

I know confidence comes from the inside, but I just still feel so crummy about myself. I'm not sure what to do and could use advice. How do you manage to cope with feeling like your body is damaged goods? How do you manage to not be angry?

[Gwen]

Maybe you lost weight so fast that muscle was lost also? I think weight training would help put things back where they belong. I read somewhere that it's muscle that keeps skin from sagging... Anyway, I've been working out with weights and it seems to be working!

[saef]

I am angry, and sad about it, too.

But it's just a human thing that, over time, you can reconcile yourself to imperfect situations & figure out how to live with them & what the workarounds are.

The thing is, in time, everyone's body is damaged goods. If they're fortunate to live long enough. Probably I think this way because I'm way older than you, so this may not help you right now, a girl her in her 20s, but everyone I know deals with something that happened unexpectedly in their lives & compromised them in some way: I'm mostly deaf in my left ear due to a virus last summer, a friend of mine has debilitating migraines, a lot of friends have stretchmarks from child-bearing, two friends have had knee replacement surgery. Everyone's walking wounded from the battle with life.

And this time of year, everyone's so ... well ... exposed. So much skin. And limbs. In particular, the young girls with perfectly slender legs in their summer shorts still make my heart ache a little with envy, that it seems so effortless for them, and my legs are simply not shaped like that, but mostly with sorrow, I think, that time passes & everyone's flowering is relatively brief.

But one way that I think I cope is my gym-going. My body keeps surprising me with what it's capable of learning & doing. It doesn't look like one of the posters on the gym windows. I cannot turn back time or hit "reset" & be in my 20s again. But damn, it is stronger & smarter than I believed. For so many years, I was not on good terms with it. I ignored it or deprecated it. I pretty much gave up on it. It's not athletically gifted. It's a bit of a slow learner. But it's mine. It's what I've got to work with. I have to make the most of it. I'm not getting another one in this lifetime.

And yeah, lifting weights has helped, but for me, anyway, it hasn't tightened up everything. But the psychological benefit of feeling stronger & more powerful has been immense. I can't say that enough.

[Emperess]

This is what I'm dealing and coming to terms with. When I was younger, it was nice to see my body getting sleeker and toner when I lost weight. Now, years of yo-yo dieting and age have taken its toll. Instead of getting toner, I have areas that are getting flabbier as I get smaller :-(. I still have a ways to go, so I'm hoping that over time it all balances out, but I'm slowly resigning myself to the fact that I may never wear shorts or short sleeves. And yes, there are times when it's hard to accept. I haven't ruled out plastic surgery in my future, but only after I've given myself and my body enough time to adjust to the new me.

In the meantime, I'll dry brush, wrap and moisturize the h*ll out of my skin and take comfort in having no more heartburn, no more knee pain, being able to go up a flight of stairs without being winded, and actually looking forward to watching my "older" body transform into a fit one.

[Buttermochi]

Holy moly, I totally feel you. There have definitely been numerous times where I would seriously hate myself for all my binges, unhealthy lifestyle, and overall weight gain. My hatred and dissatisfaction with myself consumed my thoughts so much, and I would get so tired out from all the stress and anger fuming inside of me. It definitely affected my life, too.

But the way I got over it was just realizing that... that wasn't the way to live - being angry and bitter and hating myself for something that's already been done. I went on for years getting stressed out and crying and getting angry at myself for gaining weight, and hiding in my room because I felt too ashamed and fat to go out (even skipping class, and failing one!). And even though I thought I didn't have control over my feelings... I realized that I really do have control over it, that I can choose to continue being self-loathing or try to be stronger, push away those negative thoughts, pick up healthier habits, and just love myself and have confidence in myself no matter how I look or how much I weigh.

Since you've lost SO much weight already, you have a lot to be confident and proud about! So don't get too down on things like flab, because the bigger picture is this: you're healthier and lighter now than you were before! And from your avatar, you look really gorgeous to me already (especially your hair style and face). So seriously, girl... Try not to be so angry about the little things and be proud of everything you've done and that you have now.

[JayEll]

I was in a play once with a woman who I could tell had lost weight when I saw her in her underwear in the dressing room. The reason was that she had some loose skin. She was older, probably in her 50s. But, when she put on her evening dresses for the play, WOW. She looked fabulous!

You are young. Your skin will tighten somewhat over time--maybe even a lot. (As long as you don't allow yourself to regain). And, there is this wonderful thing called Spanx... The woman I spoke of above did not wear any kind of undergarment to look great in her clothes, however.

And really--that's the important thing most of the time, isn't it--how you look in your clothes? That and being healthier? You are alive and well! Never take that for granted.

Jay

[gmailjunkie]

Please forgive me if this is unhelpful, but you are so beautiful that I wouldn't have thought of you as a "normal 20 something" in any case. I would think of you as at worst, decidedly above average. You also aren't done yet, like others have said, you may surprise yourself!

That being said, I hear ya. I have deeply sad, angry, regretful thoughts whenever I think if what I allowed my body to become, and I will probably always a little bit sad, but I have learned a few things that have helped emotionally even if they wont change what I ultimately look like even though I haven't had your success as of yet, nor am I as pretty.

I'm starting to believe that if I really really had the ability to do better sooner I would have. This is apparently the time I could have been successful in this and not before and I'm accepting that. Also, while I take absolute responsibility for it now, there were alot of factors that contributed to my obesity over which I had no control for a long time-so while again it all my responsibility now, I'm not all to blame.

On a more superficial level- being in nyc all my life had been very good in terms of influencing me how to perceive style- I have discovered, that once clothes fit any body can be dressed really well- you just have to think about it.

For example I am an apple shape- very apple shaped- really large breasts, narrow hips, flat bottom- the whole apple deal and I wont necessarily have the apple advantage of showing off my legs all of the time because I KNOW I have the worst varicose veins ever under the fat if the veins in my feet are any indication (all the women in my family have them) so when I started getting serious about losing weight I decided that my signature look will be a-line belted dresses over the most beautiful knee high boots I can afford. This, I believe, will be a beautiful, youthful look that will flatter my body. Will I be able to pull off every new trend that comes out- nope- will I still be able to look fashion forward-yep. I wont ever be a cover girl but I sure as certain have way more options available to me than Lane Bryant and the (surprisingly sad) Plus size section of Macy's.

The other thing I learned in ny after seeing horsey looking women walk around like they were the **** and appeared as though they were successful at convincing men of that fact- Swagger, carriage, confidence wtv you want to call it matters much more than how objectively attractive you appear. It really really does.

Be kind to yourself friend!

[krampus]

Having met you this past weekend and danced on top of speakers with you to "Break My Stride," all the bad stuff you see is completely invisible from the outside. In fact I think you look more put together than most chicks I know, and I have some very stylish and well-groomed girlfriends!

I know this doesn't solve the problem of years of regret and what you see in the mirror or in the shower, but honestly no one but you can convince you to make peace with yourself and forgive yourself. "Better late than never" is an overused catch phrase but it is also the truth. We are still young, you know.

I sometimes feel this way about myself too. The figures and numbers are different but the effect is the same. I think about being sedentary and smoking and eating crappy food for years and years and how I've probably shaved a couple years off my life and killed the possibility of having a magazine-cover figure. But then I go for a run or do some pushups or something, and force myself to see that I have made improvements, and that's a big deal too.

[Bright Angel]

"Someone tell me how not to be bitter and angry"

I spend a great deal of time writing
and making videos about that specific issue.
I won't link here, but you can see what I mean
by going to my personal site at DietHobby . com.

I find Acceptance and Gratitude to be the tools that help me most with this problem,
and these are far easier to talk about than to act upon.

[Karen925]

Originally Posted by elleohelle

How do you manage to cope with feeling like your body is damaged goods? How do you manage to not be angry?

An attitude of gratitude goes a long way. I volunteer with many sorrowful situations. Seeing others suffer puts my problems in perspective. All of this springs from my spiritual walk.

[astrophe]

Self esteem comes from doing esteemable things. Sitting around fretting about how my body looks and criticizing myself isn't esteem building. It is esteem eroding!

Care and nourish your body. Then look outside yourself.

There's so much more going on in the world -- what do you do to give back and make your world bigger than just you? Do you volunteer? Partcipate in clubs? What? Start doing esteemable things, then you will feel proud of you on the inside and put this body thing in perspective.

We all age, we all struggle, we all get dinged up a little in Life. Even my 7 yr old is getting dinged up -- scrapes and bumps, scar on her chin from a fall... so what? I'm older than her so my body has more mileage -- stetch marks, my own cuts and scrapes and scars, grey hair popping out... severely obese at the moment.

Yet I still feel happy, and reasonably content.

Make peace with your body. It has to house you for decades more -- do you really want to fight it all that time?

"To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future."


GL!
A.

[fullofhope]

I appreciate you talking about something a lot of us can relate to so well! My changing body has not given me the self esteem boosts I had hoped it would, instead it has pretty negatively affected my confidence. Things sag and hang in ways I didn't expect, and I have to come to terms with and accept my body in new ways, and that's even harder while it's still changing all the time.

[Gwen]

TMI - but hopefully this helps you. My breasts were saggy too, but they are seriously getting back up to where they belong - and I'm over 50 with years of yo-yo dieting and two children! I did lots of research on this and put it into effect about 6 months ago.

Chest exercises work. If you can't get to a gym just buy some 5, and 10 lb weights and an exercise ball to start. Even before you do that you can start by doing push-ups. Adjust the width of your hands to reach all parts of your chest. If you can't push up from the floor then do wall push-outs with your toes almost arms length from the wall. (adjust distance until you can feel muscles in your chest working.) Then - pick up a 10 lb weight and do tricep extensions - both bent over at the waist AND seated with weight held behind your head.

In all exercises go for the full range of motion for 2-3 sets, then 3 sets of partial range slow pulses at 1/4, 1/2 and 3/4 of full extension. You'll want to feel the muscles in ALL areas of your chest - beneath the boobs, above them, and up into your shoulders and under your arms even. Move your arms in slightly different positions to work every single micro-muscle in there! Hands close and at boob level, then out as far as you can reach - and every 2" inbetween... then hands up the wall 3-4 inches and repeat until you get to shoulder height. (same moves on the floor, ball, or workout bench too.)

After you buy weights (or at the gym) do chest, tricep, bicep and shoulder presses SLOWLY to build up muscle and bring the girls back up there! Really FEEL all the different muscles working as you s-l-o-w-l-y press through each rep. Even with bicep curls and tricep extensions you'll feel your chest muscles working hard! THEN work upper & mid back to support whats going on up front

Go to Amazon.com and buy Jillian Michaels "Hot Bod" workout cards. She explains how to do all the exercises on small cards you can carry to the gym. Her method - one I love for weight loss - is circuit training - fast and furious building muscles as you lose. Works great to lose - BUT for building up the chest and bringing the girls home - go slow..

Remember slow to build, fast to lose AND follow the usual rules - use PERFECT Form - and work the chest only every other day.

[k8yk]

Let go of the idea that your appearance defines you.

Stop watching television or looking at models and celebrities. Look around you at real people.

Look in the mirror and say nice things to yourself and mean them. Even if all you can muster is "I have great hair" or "I have beautiful eyes." When you start trying to pick your body apart, stop yourself.

If you wouldn't say it to your best friend, don't say it to yourself.

Find a photo of a woman who you really admire but who isn't physically perfect. Maybe it's your mother or Mother Teresa or Hilary Clinton. Now pick her apart. Tell her all the things that are wrong with her body. This feels awful doesn't it? Then why would you speak to yourself this way?

Realize that even if your body was perfect, your life would still have ups and downs. They try to tell us that our bodies are the route to eternal happiness. Be thin and pretty and you will have it all. This is a simple lie, created for the sole purpose of selling you things. Tell the people who make you feel this way to F&%$ off. You are worth so much more than that.

Realize that nobody will ever be as hard on your body as you are yourself. Those flabby bits or stretch marks that horrify you- other people won't even notice.

Appreciate your body for what it does, not what it looks like. Your amazing legs that carry you around. You fantastic arms that hug the people you care about. Your miraculous midsection that can carry new life.

Just let it go. Nobody is perfect. There's no such thing as perfect. Everybody makes mistakes. Picking up and moving forward is what matters. You cannot change the past. You can only change the future. You cannot control external events, you can only control your reaction to them.

You are worth it.

[MariaMaria]

Brava, k8yk. Well-put.