Telling new boyfriend you used to be fat

[rockinrobin]

Now isn't that one of the reasons we're all here at 3FC? So that we can talk excessively about our weight? I feel very fortunate to have this outlet. It IS something I need to "speak" about and doing so at home or with friends is DEFINITELY not an option.

[Beautiful Ace]

7 weeks and you're already in love? Sounds like a movie:P Hope it all works out for you. I don't think something like your past is going to effect your future in that aspect.

[Schumeany]

I just read Robin's post and thought I should clarify. When I said not to talk to other people about it endlessly because a lot of them will just pretend to be listening, I didn't mean on 3FC. That is what this forum is for...so that all of us can talk about it as much as we need to. It is a wonderful outlet. I was talking about random people out there in the real world who haven't, or who aren't, going through a weight loss experience...so it is of little consequence to them.

[PhotoChick]

Oh actually I think we might all be agreeing - I just might not have expressed myself well.

I agree that you should tell him EXACTLY how much you've lost and that you should be free to talk about your weight loss comfortably with him and even show him photos of the "old" you.

I just think that, as Robin said, there's talking about it, and then there's EXCESSIVELY talking about it. And what exactly "excessively" is, is going to be different for everyone.

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[Schumeany]

Phew...for a second there I felt the foundations of my world quaking, PC!

[PhotoChick]

I know!! Shocking, isn't it?

.

[choirgirlhotel]

Originally Posted by Robsia

I have been seeing this new guy for 7 weeks now and we are getting along extremely well - we have even exchanged the L word.

I did mention that I used to be bigger and he has seen photos of me at a slightly larger size, but not at my biggest - not ready for that yet.

I think his reaction was carefully controlled - he certanly didn't react with disgust or anything and I told him I was not planning on getting big again.

Has anyone else ever had to deal with this? I know it shouldn;t be an issue - if your guy loves you he should love you whatever, but from his POV if you find yourself a nice sexy slim girlfriend you should reasonably expect her to stay more or less the way she is. OK, maybe a bit of leeway, but not 70 lb of leeway.

On the other hand we went to a family (his family) party the other day and I was the slimmest female there - which was a HUGE boost to my confidence!!! I have never been the slimmest female at a party ever.

Yes, my current BF of 3 years knows that ONE TIME I gained weight (not sure if he saw pictures), but I don't know why, I have a hard time telling him that it happened once before that too. I know it's stupid, I just....can't.

I agree with what everyone has said in this thread, there's just something about feeling like I let myself go twice instead of once that makes me feel like such a failure, or embarrassed. I mean, if he asked me or saw pictures I wouldn't lie...it's just something I don't bring up.

~CGH~

[rockinrobin]

Originally Posted by Schumeany

I just read Robin's post and thought I should clarify. When I said not to talk to other people about it endlessly because a lot of them will just pretend to be listening, I didn't mean on 3FC. That is what this forum is for...so that all of us can talk about it as much as we need to. It is a wonderful outlet. I was talking about random people out there in the real world who haven't, or who aren't, going through a weight loss experience...so it is of little consequence to them.

No, no, no. I know you didn't mean on 3FC. I was trying to say since we can't/shouldn't/don't ( )talk about it EXCESSIVELY in our "real" (non-3FC) lives, that we're fortunate to have this place.

I'm in agreement with you. I DO think Rosbia needed to mention it, like I orginally said. It IS an important aspect of "who she is", there's no denying it. But I also agreed that it shouldn't be talked about excessively. No one, even someone who loves you to pieces doesn't want to hear abou it 24/7. Not saying that anyone WOULD talk about it 24/7, but ya know what I mean? Right?

[Robsia]

See I saw my niece's bf for the first time in several months over Christmas and the first thing he said to me was "Wow - you have lost a lot of weight" - so if I hadn't told Graham about it already there would have been questions.

I do agree that I shouldn't go on about it all the time, which I don't - but it is nice if it's something I can talk about to him. I'm just not sure how he feels about it - as I said he is very careful to give a neutral response.

[Robsia]

Originally Posted by Beautiful Ace

7 weeks and you're already in love? Sounds like a movie:P Hope it all works out for you. I don't think something like your past is going to effect your future in that aspect.

It's amazing - we are so much alike - we think the same way and have the exact same sense of humour. I was going around telling everyone that he was a male version of me, while he was going round telling everyone that I was a female version of him.

I have never met anyone with whom I clicked so quickly - we just talk for hours and never want to be apart!

The sex is pretty awesome too!!

[Schumeany]

He has to be careful to give a neutral response. I think he is very wise. Any other response and it might come out wrong. You guys are still in the early stages of your relationship even if the "L" word is being used (I had never used it with a boyfriend before in my life until I began dating my husband...and then we were both using it by week four, so I know how that goes...). Anyway, he was initially attracted to you as you are. That may have grown into love, and he very well might still love you if you gained weight again, but it is early enough in your relationship that I would be incredibly careful about this issue if I was him too. If he says it wouldn't matter, he is, in essence, saying that he thinks you might gain it back, and if he says he would care, he would seem shallow that it is the "you" on the outside that he loves and not the "you" on the inside. "Neutral" is good...you caught yourself a smart one.

Edit: Hey Robin, this seems to be a good thread for saying the same thing without realizing it! Inherent, I guess, in the limitations of posting instead of holding a conversation...

[Megan1982]

Originally Posted by Robsia

I do agree that I shouldn't go on about it all the time, which I don't - but it is nice if it's something I can talk about to him. I'm just not sure how he feels about it - as I said he is very careful to give a neutral response.

I struggled with this same issue when I met my BF (now of 3 1/2 years). I met him just a few months after I finished losing 60 lbs (actually I was about 15 lbs lighter when we met than I am now). Losing weight was still such a big, new thing in my mind I felt that I had to announce it to everyone I met so they understood where I was coming from in life. BF was pretty neutral (and I still don't talk to him about my weight a whole lot to this day). I agree with Schumeany that "neutral" can actually be a good, smart reaction. Come to find out, my BF who grew up with 5 sisters says he "just knows better than to comment on a woman's weight". Sort of like the smart person who doesn't like to answer the "Do I look fat in these jeans?" question - there is no good answer to give. He sees is as dangerous territory and just tells me that he loves me unconditionally. I suppose it's hard to tell 7 weeks in, and there might (understandably) be some fear that he won't really accept you if you regain etc.

I agree with a lot that's been said already. This has been a big part of your life and you are right to be proud of your accomplishments. There is certainly no reason you should hide it or hide pictures of yourself before, etc. But I kind of agree with Jay that excessive details might not be wanted - I like the bowling analogy given. (However if this guy listens to whatever you talk about even if he's not particularly interested in the subject, this speaks highly of his regard for you!).

It sounds to me as if you've already told him. I don't think it's necessary to beat the point to death. It sounds like he's heard about it, seen some photographic evidence, and is still showing all signs of a guy in love. Enjoy it!

[Robsia]

Funnily enough - he has 4 older sisters also!! I think you must learn a fair bit about women growing up the only boy with several sisters.