Courtesy of DonnaD, as posted in the Alternachicks Forum



I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
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Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
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The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
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Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
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Life is sexually transmitted, have you ever thought about that?
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An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
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If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead?"
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Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
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The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
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Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
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Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
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Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks
about seeing UFOs like they used to?
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Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
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All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
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Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
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In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
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Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
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You read about all these terrorists -- most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10 -15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Obvious solution: put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.

More funnies posted by DonnaD...

For those with no children - this is totally hysterical! already have children past this age - this is hilarious. For those who have
children this age - this is not funny. For those who have children nearing
this age - this is a warning. For those who have not yet had children -
this is birth control.

The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas: Things I've
learned from my Children (honest and no kidding).

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller
blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong
enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman
cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint
on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using
a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before
you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a
ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too
late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year
old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.

11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't
walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like
ovens.

20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24. The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful.

First grade...true story: One day the first grade teacher was reading the
story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the
story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials
for his home. She read,"..And so the pig went up to the man with the
wheelbarrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of
that straw to build my house?'" The teacher paused then asked the class,
"And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and
said, "I think he said...'Holy crap! A talking pig!'" The teacher was
unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

25. 60% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

great way to start Monday. Thanks!

Hi All,
This may have gone around before but I'm new here and just got this in e-mail. It really made me chuckle ;-)


Can't eat beef....... .....mad cow

Can't eat fish....... .......mercury

Can't eat chicken...... .......bird flu

Can't eat eggs.... ....cholesterol

Can't eat pork....... ........bacteria

Can't eat fruit ...... ......insecticides

Can't eat vegetables..... ......herbicides



Now, the way i see it; that only leaves

CHOCOLATE

I so needed this today!

Chris

Thanks for the funnies!! We all need a good laugh.

Common sense is not all that common.