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-   -   Anybody want to read/edit my short story (a bit of a try-hard Oscar Wilde)? (http://www.3fatchicks.com/forum/lighten-up/235360-anybody-want-read-edit-my-short-story-bit-try-hard-oscar-wilde.html)

andrej 06-11-2011 07:52 AM

Anybody want to read/edit my short story (a bit of a try-hard Oscar Wilde)?
 
Well I was just bored and in a dreamyweamy mood so I wrote this story... wanted to show someone but its a bit weird so they might think I'm crazy :carrot: thought you guys might want to read it for fun (though im not finished yet!) or edit it/ give feedback? :) here it is:

One day the little Jaja looked at the axlotl-and he was smiling, and he always smiled, but the Jaja fell in love with him; for he had never been smiled at before. The Jaja wasn’t ugly, but he wasn’t beautiful either- and people always smiled at the beautiful out of happiness, and at the ugly out of sympathy, but never the in-betweeners. So the Jaja settled for the axlotl’s smile (although it was always fixed on his face), and he was happy with himself and what he had (although the smile was not for him), and he made much of what little he posssessed (which consisted of a Noolus-bloo and the axlotl’s smile).
Then one afternoon the salamander laughed and said “My cousin smiles at everyone- what bliss do you get from a gift shared by so many?”. The Jaja ignored him, and instead went home to admire his Noolus-bloo.
But days went by and the Jaja thought of the salamanders comment, and he, too, questioned the source of his happiness. If every single man on this earth was given the same gift, it would lose its meaning because everyone had it, and eventually it would be wanted by no one. With this notion in mind, the Jaja stopped loving the axlotl and began to look for happiness elsewhere.
After many moons the Jaja formed a friendship with a small human cobbler. He lived at a hut not far from the lake, and the Jaja was quite proud of their friendship as the cobbler had no other friends. “He must be very valuable and sought after” the Jaja thought “seeing as he doesn’t give out friendship, as the axlotl does smiles”.
One night the Jaja was walking up the path to the cobblers house, when a group of Yamdoodlies laughed at him. “He is going to visit that old, ugly man with no friends!” they mocked. The Jaja ignored them, and instead continued up the path, with his Noolus-bloo in his right hand.
Later that night, the Jaja remembered what the Yamdoodlies had said. Indeed- the cobbler was rather wrinkled, and his face disproportionate, but the Jaja had never judged on appearance before. However, after the Yamdoodlies remark, the idea of being associated with such an ugly individual disgusted him so much that he vowed never to visit the lonely cobbler again.
Spring came and went, and during the winter a beautiful black glossy raven camped near the lake for it was too cold in the north. She stood tall and dark against the white snow- and all the animals envied her beauty. “I shall love her forever” the Jaja thought.
With the passing of winter, the tree trunks turned black and the leaves tints of grey and brown, and the raven did not look beautiful anymore. Suddenly everyone thought the white rabbit was beautiful, as she stood out against the dark forest with her white fur. The Jaja, however, stayed true to his word and kept on loving the raven, although no one else loved her, and she did not love him back. When telling his friends of this, the white rabbit snorted and said “Forever has no meaning, unless one means every single moment of it, or it give him happiness, or it gives him hope”. So the Jaja believed her, and by the next moon the raven had flown back north for summer.


Now that I reread it it sounds extremely weird but I'm going to post anyway :D dont really care if I dont get replies as long as someone reads

midwife 06-11-2011 12:18 PM

I liked it. :)

Serval87 06-15-2011 02:08 AM

It's very interesting. It reminds me of a fairytale (not one if particular, just a fairytale itself), because it sounds like it will end with a nice moral. I really enjoyed your writing style, especially in the dialogue. If you really want good feedback I suggest posting it on storywrite.com.

ADL 07-05-2011 01:46 AM

My biggest critique is that it doesn't read very smoothly. Overall though I think it's a good story


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