Men are like slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still
can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
"I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and think, 'Well, that's not going to happen."
"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing."
"The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going."
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to.
"According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman are their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars."
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
"All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism."
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?
In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
"Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first."
"There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and wierd. The other theory is that this has already happened."
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a campfire?
Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an
appointment, and he says, "I wish you'd come to me sooner."
"You read about all these terrorists-most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration."