Actually said in court - word for word

luvja · 10-31-2008, 11:44 PM

I got this in an email and thought some of them were pretty funny

These are from a book called Disorder in the American courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
__________________________________________________ ________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
__________________________________________________ ________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
__________________________________________________ ________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
__________________________________________________ ________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
__________________________________________________ ________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
__________________________________________________ ________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
__________________________________________________ ________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me?
__________________________________________________ ________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!
__________________________________________________ ________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me? Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
__________________________________________________ ________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
__________________________________________________ ________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
__________________________________________________ ________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
__________________________________________________ ________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
__________________________________________________ _______

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
__________________________________________________ _______

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
__________________________________________________ _______

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
__________________________________________________ _______

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Ookpik · 11-01-2008, 12:42 AM

lol!

iriswhispers · 11-01-2008, 12:48 AM

thanks! i needed that tonight! =)

Patt0 · 11-01-2008, 03:25 AM

Thanks so much!

Rosinante · 11-01-2008, 04:27 AM

absolutely! rofling like mad here!

JulieJ08 · 11-01-2008, 12:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by luvja

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

LOLOLOLOLOL.

Wow, I was taking a sip of water when I read that first one!

But, most of them were hilarious. Thanks, I needed that. I haven't laughed that much in a while. I'm still laughing while I type this.

ray of sunshine · 11-01-2008, 01:59 PM

Ummm people are really this dumb... next time someone tells they are a lawyer I dont think I will be that impressed, looks like just about anyone could be one

luvja · 11-01-2008, 02:01 PM

This one is my favourite,

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

grneyedmustang · 11-01-2008, 02:03 PM

Haley8203 · 11-01-2008, 03:21 PM

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
that one is my favorite!

ray of sunshine · 11-01-2008, 03:38 PM

I missed this one and had to reread em..they are funny
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me?
__________________________________________________ ________
What would disqualify you....

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
__________________________________________________ _____

luvja · 11-01-2008, 04:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ray of sunshine

I missed this one and had to reread em..they are funny
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me?
__________________________________________________ ________

Yeah I actually laughed out loud for that one!

mazza · 11-01-2008, 04:40 PM

Hahahaha!!!!

Golden

ForeverLove · 11-19-2008, 10:59 AM

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

haha, this one reminds me of a scene from the labrynth before uhhh i think dance magic dance or w/e that song is called when bowie is talking to the puppets and this is what i said..
Bowie: you remind me of the babe
puppet:what babe
Bowie: the babe with the power
puppet: what power?
Bowie: the power of voodoo
puppet: who do?
bowie: you do!
puppet: do what?
bowie: remind me of the babe.

no one else probably finds that as funny as i do, but i'm weird, i think i'll send these to my housemates now.

jessabee · 01-25-2009, 01:20 AM

Very cute!