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First week at the gym

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Old 01-17-2002, 11:56 PM   #1
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Default First week at the gym

Passed on to me in e-mail today...


Dear Diary...
For my fiftieth birthday this year, my husband (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my high school softball team, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer I'll call Bruce, who identified himself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started.
The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

Monday:
Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but found
it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Bruce
waiting for me. He is something of a Greek God - with blond hair,
dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
Bruce gave me a tour and showed me the machines.
He took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He was
alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing
next to him in his Lycra aerobic outfit.
I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring. Bruce was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!

Tuesday:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Bruce made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air- then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Bruce's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

Wednesday:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush
on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Bruce was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered
other club members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the
morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Bruce put me on the stair monster. Why the **** would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Bruce told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other **** too.

Thursday:
Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed
as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't
help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Bruce took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. He sent Lars to find me. Then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine-which I sank.

Friday:
I hate Bruce more than any human being has ever hated...
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.
Bruce wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the < @*%$&*@*#$ barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude from.)
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

Saturday:
Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing
him made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up watching eleven straight hours of the *$@#&& Weather Channel.

Sunday:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can
go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun
-- like a root canal or a hysterectomy.
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Old 02-06-2002, 01:31 PM   #2
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omigosh!!!!!!!!!!!! I have never laughed so hard or outloud in my life. My coworkers must think I have gone crazy!!!!
thanks for the day brightener
lauri
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