[Spinymouse]

Rules for a Safe Halloween

With Halloween upon us, it is worthwhile to remember a few simple rules to help keep this
season healthy, happy and SAFE! Please use these helpful hints this and every year.

1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really dead.

2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.

4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know,
shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will
probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who
speak with somebody else's voice.

5. When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off or go alone.

6. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to ****.

7. Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would apply to any other house of
the dead as well.

8. If you're searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that it's just the cat,
GET THE **** OUT!

9. If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short circuits; just get out.

10. Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.

11. If you find a town which looks deserted, there's probably a good reason for it. Don't stop and
look around.

12. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you're doing.

13. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at east twice, more if you are
female. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely
shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

14. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing,
fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.

15. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville,
Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (it’s probably too late if you even recognize this one),
anywhere in Texas where chainsaws are sold, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in
Maine.

16. Do not go looking for witches in the Maryland countryside.

17. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to he nearby deserted-looking
house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange you ran out of gas because you thought
you had most of a tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely
be eaten.

18.Do not mention the names of demons around open flames, as these can flare suddenly. Be
especially careful of fireplaces in this regard.

19. Beware of strangers bearing tools. For example: chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers,
electric carving knives, combines, lawn mowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws,
or any devices made from deceased companions.

20. If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the
in-laws. This also applies to houses that had previous inhabitants who went mad or
committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic
practices.

21. Dress appropriately. When investigating a noise downstairs in an old house, women should
not wear a flimsy negligee. Make sure you carry a flashlight, not a candle.