Hi, I've NeverBinThin...and I don't want to be...WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?
Hello to one and all. My name is NeverBinThin. I've been searching for an answer or solution to this major problem. I am petrified to be small. I lost 52 pounds using Medifast, and all I wanted to do was hide. You know how some dogs hide when they get a haircut--that's like me. Well, I didn't hide for long, I gained back my weight, so I could hide in my fat. When I got the guts to lose weight again, I lost 38 lbs, and got noticed by someone other than my husband! That scared the you know what out of me!!! This last time I lost 26 pounds and all kinds of people started noticing.
I hate this! I don't want people noticing. I hate the attention to my physical body. If I could be heavy and healthy, it would be heaven! I can't handle comments from people--especially men.
I was in WW for this last weight loss, and I tried to open up in group. But I was humiliated; no one else understood. They were obviously uncomfortable with me even talking about such a problem, and they looked at me as if I had two heads.
I'm scared that I'll get to the point of not wanting to lose at all--I've lost less and less before the fear gets to me and I sabotage. And I really do need to lose ya'll--I'm 5'2'' and 222 lbs.
Does anyone have any advice, books, essays, persons, etc. that I can get some help from?
Hey, I read your post and decided to register so I could reply. Let me tell you: I know EXACTLY how you feel. Definitely. I'm 5'3" and weigh 211 (joined WW this past Saturday, so that's a pretty recent number, haha). Really, I think you've hit the nail on the head there. And that's a good sign! Once you recognize exactly what it is that's keeping you from losing weight (in this case an insecurity in your "new" skin), you can address it and make changes psychologically to change your perceptions.
I'll tell a story to give myself some credibility. When I was in high school, my family had a very VERY bad run for four years. Pretty much someone died just about once a month. It was terrible. And for a developing young woman who lost the most important stages of her formative years, it was traumatic. I had to stop acting like a 16-year-old and act like a 40-year-old. I started to gain weight as a sort of emotional cushion (teenage friends will pester anorexics; they don't tend to pester overweight pals). I got to college, never developed any sort of real good eating habits, and formed a role for myself: the fat friend. I also tried losing weight (mostly at my mother's frantic urging because of health related issues in the family), but whenever I got smaller (once I even dropped from 175 to 126), I felt so wretched. Guys noticed. Girls noticed. And almost everyone was saying things like, "You look so good now!"
What I came to realize was that I was putting a whole heck of a lot of stock in what other people thought about my body and its shape. I also came to realize that people are always going to talk, no matter what size I am. I could be immobile, stuck in the house because I weigh 5,000 pounds, and people will whisper and say things, "Oh god...can you believe she's so big??" etc. etc. I could be a good average weight and people will treat me differently (maybe smile at me more, invite me places more). Or I could be waifish and people will talk, "Can you believe how small she is?? I bet she purges!"
The trick that I'm trying to master is this: paying attention the only voice that matters--MINE. When I got to the point of not being able to look at myself in the mirror nude, that was a problem to me. I hate(d) myself. Most literally. Suddenly, it didn't matter what stupid things people were saying to/about me. It became very important that whatever I listened to needed come from me, from my heart, as cheesy as it may sound.
I have a really great personal image that I keep safe in my mind; it acts as a sort of "here's the size I'd like to be" picture. It goes beyond the size itself and enters into how I feel, what kinds of different things I could do, and whether or not I can stand to look at myself in the mirror. That's the goal I want to achieve.
Keep in mind that people are always going to talk, no matter what size you are. They may say amazingly cruel or kind things. But what needs to matter the absolute most to you is your health above all else (how well you can live your life, etc.), and how happy you feel in your own skin regardless of its size.
I'm sorry that I don't have any books or anything to suggest to you. Though I might suggest Dr. Phil's stuff on weight loss. You may not necessarily want to follow his program (different programs work for different people), but I really think he has brilliant things to say, espeically when it comes to how people see themselves.
Please remember to take care of yourself and be patient. It takes some time to dissolve fears, especially ones so deeply rooted.
(wow...sorry this was so long...it's just such an important topic! )
Calpurrnia, thank you so much for your story, and for "listening" (aka "reading") LOL! I didn't realize this "problem" existed until I did that Medifast diet. I lost 52 lbs in a pretty short time, and being short like me, you know it falls off fast and your body "adjusts" the remaining fat pretty quick. This great, wonderful, godly man in our church commented how much better I looked now that I had lost weight. He was a precious person, but he was also HUGE--I'm talking MUSCULAR, too. He was a former Marine drill sergeant who, in his 40s, still weighed 230 and was 6'2". I remember walking up the stairwell with him beside me, and me shaking with fear.
I've read Dr. Phil's book, and I agree, he's a jewel! There's a really good anecdote he uses about a woman with weight issues remarkably like mine. He tells her to revisit all those persons involved in the "incidents" in the best way that she can, (in her mind, in person, whatever) and confront the person if necessary, but also forgive the individual for whatever occurred.
So...my dad, who was also a preacher, did some inappropriate things to me at a young age. Now, please don't judge quickly; he was a good father in most ways, this incident only happened one time, and it was NOT rape. However, it was inappropriate, and I internalized for a long time. So, I called my high school girlfriend and her to babysit my then, 13 month old son, and went to his grave and poured out my soul. I also tried to visualize the other people who had hurt me or caused me to disappear into my fat and forgave them.
But I can't figure out why I'm just scared witless to look differently. I was a associate professor at a junior college a couple of years back; when I was on yet, another, diet, one of my male students complimented me on my appearance, and Cal, I'm tellling you the truth, I wanted to run to my office, cover up, and eat anything in sight.
It's bizarre, I tell you. I'm just scared to death. You know, I think to myself, "I'm college trained, I have a Master's degree, I ought to be BEYOND this."
I have an idea. One of my former students is now a blackbelt in Taekwondo. I'm considering taking that up. Why? Well, if my psychosis is fear of people, men, what they say, etc...then logically, it would make sense that I should learn to protect myself. What do you think?
BTW, don't think anything about long posts...LOL! It's not often that I get to talk to talk to someone with the same name as Julius Caesar's wife. Yeah, I taught English.
Haha! First of all, I'm thrilled you caught the reference! Most people don't. It's actually my cat's name (Callie for short). My name's Amanda. I'm getting my Master's in English Lit. (primarily Ren. drama--total Shakespeare nerd), so of course I had to name my cat after one of his characters. Lol, the fact that you caught the reference really cracks me up and really reinstates my faith in people in general!
And wow...you know, everything you said makes total sense, it really does. I'm glad you were able to make peace with everything from your past. I think I still have some things I need to lay to rest myself. And Taekwondo is definitely a wonderful idea! I have a very good friend who's taking classes after a year-long break. She said that she took the break because she wasn't sure she was learning anything, but once she was out of the loop, she felt so empty that she had to get back into it! She loves it! And what's frightening about her is that she's 5'0" and can kick above my head! Lol. She really enjoys it. Plus the workout is so varied pretty much day-to-day that she doesn't get bored.
So, definitely go for it! But also, maybe in the meantime you can consider talking to somebody about your feelings? I know at my university we have free counseling (lol--at orientation, they introduced themselves and said, quite doubtlessly too, "We'll be seeing you all fairly shortly."); do you happen to have a service like that at your place? When I was an undergrad, I talked to someone for a while and she was so helpful. Really made me more aware of deeper issues that I wasn't even aware existed, which helped me get back to myself, you know?
hi i hope you don't mind a male perpective. menwill always look at attractive ladies and make comments. it's human nature. ladies do the same with the men. i get the same thing ,but they say how come you don't lose weight it's better for your health. glen
Glen, thanks for your perspective. I figure it's just human nature to make comments and stare (whether or not it's judgmental), and likewise I hope one day it becomes human nature to respond to these comments in different ways. But at least until that day we can learn to train ourselves to rsepond differently.
You can slap me for possibly being inappropriate...
But your fear of losing weight and gaining the attention (and affection?) of others may still be tied to what happened with your father. Many women put on weight and use it as a "barrier" or a wall, if you will to protect themselves from being hurt. It could be a lot of other things, but when I read your first post (before the responses) I was thinking "I wonder if she was molested in some way as a child" - because that can seriously mess with the way we see attractiveness and our self esteem.
That would be something for a therapist to tackle though. It's not always enough to forgive what happened.. we have to change the filters in our head. You know, the little voice that changes what someone says or does to something scary and negative. Where "You look great from all that working out!" becomes something other than a positive compliment. We have to change not only bad habits, but the way we view things like attraction, weight, beauty, ourselves..
I'm awful at taking compliments and I'm scared to death to lose weight to a certain degree. I'm afraid if I get very very thin that my bf a) wont trust me to be around guys (his ex-eife cheated on him) b) wont be attracted to me anymore because deep down I think he likes that I am UNattractive and c) I'm afraid of drawing attention to myself with those around me.
However my desire to "not be fat" is higher than my desire not to be noticed. I'd rather be thinner and able to play soccer with my boys than fat and watching from the sidelines. I'd rather be thinner and noticed/attractive to people than fat and ignored when I need help with something. I'd much rather be thinner and able to shop with my family rather than going to a seperate store just for me.
I'm a little scared that when I get under 200 (I'm at around 250 from 280 in January) that I will sabotage myself out of fear, but I'm hoping that being aware of all of this will help me fight it. And I've sworn that no matter what I have to do.... see a therapist, join some program, etc.. I WILL get to a normal weight range.
Teckeygirl, I absolutely agree with what you're saying. And hey, congrats on the 30-pound weight loss!! That's quite an achievement! I definitely think that while friends and friendly comments on forums like this can be helpful little daily reminders, there does need to be some sort of professional influence somewhere in our lives (whether it be with a therapist, physical trainer, nutritionist, etc.) because they have access to resources and training that will most likely prove beneficial.
I've got a personal trainer and I've just recently started up Weight Watchers, so I've got two professional influences in my life so far. I train with my PT twice a week, but I exercise every day, so I end up seeing her every day. And it never fails: every day, she tells me how proud of me she is and how well I'm doing, even if I'm feeling really crummy or didn't feel as though I did as well that day. And then the WW folks I see once a week and they just help put my nutrition into perspective for me. Just having these influences are so helpful, and slowly but surely that little negative voice inside my head is covered up by the positive voices of my PT and WW leaders.
I really like the attitudes of the people on this forum, too. When it's midnight and I'm feeling down, I can hop on here, read the amazing successes (and even the trials) of the people who post them, and it just makes everything seem so do-able.
Good luck to you with your weight loss! You will absolutely do it, especially with your positive attitude!
I think alot of people feel as you do and they want to hide behind their fat. I know I liiked the way I looked when I was thin (many years ago) but I was self conscious and did not know how to cope with some of the men coming on to me. It really made me nervous. But now it is getting to be a health issue with me and I do not want to have to resort to the surgery so many are having. The wife of my husband's friend nearly died from it and she had a real rough time. I was sexually abused when I was younger and I think that is why I do not want the attention of any men but my husband. I do not trust most of them. My daughter who we adpoted was sexually abused by her dad and she is the same way. I think much of what happens to us when we are young affects how we look at ourselves.
Wow... I thought I was the only one who was afraid of being thin. I'm 31 & have never been thin either. I can remember being in the 4th grade & wearing a size 18 womens clothes. I've always been big but I've always been tall too & I don't look as big as I what I really am.
I, for one, don't know if I will be able to mentally adjust to being smaller. The smallest I've ever been was a size 16 & that's when I was 16. Of course, being a teenager, I loved the attention I got. Now, I still get attention to a good degree (even weighing what I do) but don't know if I can handle the extra attention that losing weight will bring.
I have ALWAYS sabotaged my weight loss. Whether it was WW, Atkins, or just a sensible meal plan, I get losing really good & then something will trigger the setback & I'll gain back all I've lost and more. Why do I do this? I really think I need to be in counseling for it because mine doesn't stem from being molested as a child... I wasn't. I just don't trust myself. I'm a flirt. I love men. I always have. And I don't know that I could trust myself to behave. I love my husband immensely but don't know if I could trust myself to be faithful. (I know there are some issues in there that need dealt with. It just sounds stupid.)
I understand how you feel too, exposed, vulnerable. Life is a lot different when you don't have layers of fat to hide beneath. When you're expected to live as a normal part of society. It sounds like you've got some really great advice here and, if nothing else, at least you now know that you are not alone. I hope you'll allow yourself to continue on in your effort to get healthy regardless of the body image issues because the whole point of this is to get healthy, and I'm glad you recognize that. You've got to do this for you; it’s a whole body makeover, inside and out. This obviously isn't just about weight, this is about changing your life, and you CAN do this. I also really think counseling would benefit you greatly. Learning what is causing these feelings and some coping mechanisms to deal with them could really set you free. Please consider it, and remember you are not alone!
1.) I feared nothing would change. I feared that if I lost the weight, my life would still suck! And that could only mean one thing: there's something else wrong with me! And who really wants to face that reality? The one thing I blamed almost all of my unhappiness on my entire life was my obesity, and if I lost that and was stil unhappy, then good lord, imagine the puzzles I would still have left to solve!
2.) I feared everything would change. I feared that if I lost the weight, all of the frustration and anger and discouragement and unhappiness I had felt all my life would go away and be replaced with an alien wonderful life. Boys would ask me out, I wouldn't huff and puff from going up a flight of stairs, I could share clothes with my friends, I could go swimming in public, I could wear fashionable clothes, champagne would flow from the heavens... Why did this scare me? Well, if losing weight and changing my physical appearance could change my life so drastically, then that meant that everything and everyone that I'd surrounded myself with my entire life was completely and utterly superficial and materialistic. If being thin meant being happy, then I would hate everyone around me for having made me feel so badly when I was overweight! I would never trust a man romantically--I'd always be thinking, "Would he like me if I were 100 pounds heavier? Why didn't he ask me out when I was fat?" etc...every job I got, I would have the same questions. Would I have been hired if I were wearing a plus-sized suit? Would I get this promotion if I were obese? These questions ould conitnue to haunt every aspect of my life, and I would constantly be second-guessing everything I did and everyone I met, and that's just not a sane way to live! It wasn't until I was able to overcome these obstacles that I was able to begin losing weight. I finally got a boyfriend a little over a year ago (my first serious relationship EVER). I realized that he obviously loves me for me or else he wouldn't have stuck around for so long! Once I learned to trust him, intimacy was never a problem (even though I had never had sex before I met him). I thought I would NEVER be able to let a man see me naked, but now I do it all the time, and he has NEVER done or said anything that would make me feel uncomfortable in any way. I also graduated from college, got a good job, got a great apartment--things were falling into place. I was becoming successful and happy, and I was still fat! My life finally didn't suck, despite the extra 150 pounds on my bones! Having lost the emotional weight of the depression, anxiety, and frustration, I am finally able to realize that I can do anything, fat or not, so why not be thinner and healthier so I can do it all for many more years to come?
__________________ *Jill*
I saw this on another thread and it really spoke to me, so I thought I would share it here.
You guys are fantastic! Almost every one of you understand where I'm coming from!!! Maybe this is still something to do with my dad...don't worry, slapping is out of the question. I have no problem with tough love. Cal, the personal trainer idea has got me thinking: maybe I need more accountability. Those of you who sided on the health issue--you're right. I should be more afraid of leaving my husband and little son before my life is through than I am of being thin. That whole quote, whoa, that was interesting! Thanks for the welcome. I'll try not to be too much of a drag. I'm really rather sanguine, but I suspect that there's a bit of melancholy mixed in for balance.
I'm 4'10" at 199 now....Whats strange is that one of the main reasons I wanted to lose weight is so no one would notice me. I just wanted to blend in and be part of the crowd. I guess we are all hidding from something, no matter what our stories are and that people are going to look at us fat or thin...
Cal, the personal trainer idea has got me thinking: maybe I need more accountability.
Oh my gosh, let me tell you...my personal trainer is amazing, especially when it comes to the accountability issue. I told her when I first signed up with her that it would be a problem for me. For some reason there's like this mental gap between thinking, "gee, I would love to wear those cute little outfits" and actually going to the gym to get the body I know I deserve. Well, this woman is fantastic--she never lets me get off the hook, especially when I'm having a bad work-out day. But she does it in a really nice way (haha).
In fact, she's outlined a calendar for me for the entire month of July, telling me what precise cardio workout I need to do on which days. And since I only see her twice a week, she gives me homework for a third weight training day. Since I'm a student, this method really works for me. I respond so well to homework and it forces me to be accountable. I don't like missing appointments or homework assignments, so it helps.
And slowly but surely this whole personal training thing is becoming less tied to my desire to honor appointments and more tied to my desire to take care of myself.
If you can't get a personal trainer, I would suggest getting a copy of Bill Phillip's "Body for Life." He outlines EVERYTHING you need to do, and it's a pretty easy program to follow. A lot like getting homework. And maybe you can find a buddy to go to the gym with...like your husband!
Hi, I've NeverBinThin...and I don't want to be...WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?
When I was in high school, my family had a very VERY bad run for four years. Pretty much someone died just about once a month. It was terrible. And for a developing young woman who lost the most important stages of her formative years, it was traumatic. I had to stop acting like a 16-year-old and act like a 40-year-old. I started to gain weight as a sort of emotional cushion (teenage friends will pester anorexics; they don't tend to pester overweight pals). I got to college, never developed any sort of real good eating habits, and formed a role for myself: the fat friend. I also tried losing weight (mostly at my mother's frantic urging because of health related issues in the family), but whenever I got smaller (once I even dropped from 175 to 126), I felt so wretched. Guys noticed. Girls noticed. And almost everyone was saying things like, "You look so good now!"
