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*warning* Depressing post...don't mind me I'm just getting stuff off of my chest....

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Old 10-15-2004, 12:16 AM   #1
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Default *warning* Depressing post...don't mind me I'm just getting stuff off of my chest....

I want to sign up for a journal and I will but I chose to come here and post this...why? Becasue as crazy as it may sound I would like for my journal to at least start out with good thoughts....and not negative ones. Like I'm going to get into here.

I cannot stand myself right now....I wake up in the mornings and I don't even want to get up and face the day. I'd much rather just stay in bed than to have to get out of bed and begin another day. I hate that I let myself get this big....and that I continue to do things I know I should'nt do. Why do I eat things when I know that they are going to sabotage my weightloss efforts? Why do I not get up and do the exercises I know I need to be doing? WHy Do I just continue to sit there on my butt doing nothing when I know its not going to get me anywhere.

Most days I am so miserable that I feel like just going off in a corner by myself and crying.......I can't do that b/c my family would automatically be concerend and worried and I can't do that to them. I hate these ugly clothes that I have to wear b/c I cannot fit into anything else. I hate the way my stomach hangs over its disgusting.....I hate these stupid painful rashes I get.

I hate feeling like people are laughing and making fun of me behind my back just becasue of my weigh issues....they might not be....but I still don't like dining out or going most places becasue of that feeling. I always feel like the fat cow and I hate that feeling.

I'm single and though at first after getting out of a physically and emotionally abusive relationship I was glad to be alone. Now though its been 5 years and I am starting to wish I had someone special in my life to do things with of course then I think "well what guy is going to want to be with a fat pig like you" and so I never attempt to meet anyone. The fear of beign rejected b/c of my weight is just too great. I cannot stand the fact that I am allowing my weight to control my life.....why do i do this??? WHy ??


Sitting here right now I think I am loosing it b/c I am happy in a way but in another I feel like crying. I feel so worthless at times.

sorry for the ramblings just had to get this off my chest.......
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Old 10-15-2004, 06:23 AM   #2
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You know, lots of guys are attracted to overweight women. But don't stop there. Because lots of them are attracted to skinny women too. And your weight is depressing you and keeping you from being happy. So you know you need to do something about it and looks as if you're trying. So why not focus on that? Instead of saying "Why didn't I get up and exercise this morning?" Say "I was really good about getting up and exercising yesterday morning." Instead of "Why did I eat something so not good for me today?" Say "I've been doing so well on my diet for the past few days."

Drop the negative thoughts and turn them to positive thoughts. Negative thoughts can sabatoge a diet as much, if not moreso, than the food we eat.
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Old 10-15-2004, 06:16 PM   #3
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Oh can I relate to you. So many times I felt like you. This thread has been a Godsend. You might want to consider a good counselor. I found one a few years ago and she helped me to discover some very important facts that were contributing to my overeating and disgust with myself. Your health plan might pay for it. Losing weight means making lifestyle and attitude changes. As I write, I'm thinking about what else I need to change to meet my goal since I've hit a rocky spot. I also read a good book last year calles "The Joy of Burnout" it really helped me to evaluate where I was in life and what I needed to do to get to where I want to be. You obviously have some strong desires within - that' great, that's passion! I wish you well. I know you can move in a new direction. I'm rooting for you.
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Old 10-15-2004, 06:56 PM   #4
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G,day April, I think we,ve all felt like you do at one time or another I know I have , as far as meeting someone goes at the moment your feeling down and negative and think no,one would want you hey I,ve been there , tust me there are people out there that are,nt all shallow Hals people that look beyond the exterier , and if all they see is whats on the outside then thier not seeing the real you they can,t so thier opinion does,nt matter anyway when you change your attitude and see you are worthwhile and believe that with all your heart you,ll see other changes you,ll want to get up and exercise you,ll want to eat healthy , hey diet and exercise both are scary words for mebut instead of diet I say I,m making a life choice to be healthy not diet and exercise I say I,m going to have fun and do something I enjoy even if I,t just time for myself and go for a walk around the block , listen to TIRED and ALMOSTHEAVEN , I was feeling a bit negative awhile back and she gave me the kick in the pants I needed at the time and remember your not alone we,re all on the same journey and sometimes are harder than others but we,re all WORTH the effort just look at the people around you that love you all ready your family your friends does,nt that make you worthwhile and does,nt that give you a reason to get up in the mornings I know you can do it we all can we sometimes just need a nudge in the right direction hang in there hope to hear some positive vibes from you I know thier there bye for now BLESSED BE JULIE
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Old 10-15-2004, 07:31 PM   #5
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Hi Sweetie !!

Can I ask if you have ever though about talking to your doctor about how you are feeling lately. It sounds like you are going or are in a deep depression. Some times to get us back on track, a doctor can prescribe some meds to help get us started. I don't mean diet pills, I mean an antidepressant. Alot of times patients are only on them for a short while, just to give them some help. I can tell you this from experience. Life is to short to go thru it feeling like you are.

You DO deserve to be happy and don't think otherwise. You deserve a NORMAL relatioship and not all men are like that. I can tell you this from experience also.

Don't feel bad about discussing your feelings here, I believer there is no beter place than 3FC's for support.

People who put others down have some serious problems themselves, by doing this for some odd reason it makes them feel better about themselves. Sad huh.

If you feel you will be rejected than thats whats gonna happen. You must learn to love yourself first before you can expect others to love you back. This is very hard to do, but it has got to be one of the most important things you could ever do for yourself.

There are TONS of guys out there that love larger ladies. I have many friends who are big girls and they have lots of admirers so to speak LOL!!!

If you walk around with your head in the air, and a smile on your face. THATS!!! what people will see.

Hugs and kisses to you and good luck with your journaling.

Love, Leenie
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Old 10-15-2004, 09:19 PM   #6
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*hugs everybody* Thanks guys for all the good advice. I need to go to the doctor but have'nt been able to becasue I no longer have insurance and the cost to go to the doctor is too much for me right now. I had health insurance through my job but then my hours got cut from 40 to 30 a week and then as a result my insurance got cancelled b/c they said I was not working enough hours to qualify for the insurance.

Wanna know how I found out my plan had been cancelled? Went to get my thyroid prescription and my prescription card no longer worked....that was embarassing. Called the offices,and thats how I found out "a termination letter was in the mail".

I am going to get in contact with my Doctor on monday and see if there is anyway I can set up some type of payment plan with him to where I can go in and be seen and all and then pay some them and some when I get paid.

I have been feeling alot better today and have been in a pretty good most of the day.
I just have days where I get really down in the dumps and all. It's good to be able to come here and be around people who can relate to what I am going through and don't just think that I am supposed to be happy and jolly all of the time.

As for guys I know there are plenty out there who like larger women and all but I was just feeling down an depressed about everything yesterday. If people cannot look past my weight to see the person that I am then they are not worth my time.

A friend of mine came to visit me tonight and she reminded me of soemthing.
This past SEptember I went to a SMackdown Tv taping (WWE) and went down to the arena early in hopes of meeting some of my favorites. WEll my absolute #1 Favorite pulled in and got out of the suv.....3 other girls myself and my freind all screamed his name. No response. Those 3 girls screamed out only his last night, he looked,then turned back around. I screamed out his first name, he turns, then walks over to where I was at to where he was standing directly under me. We were standing over the parking garage. Anyhow he looked at me and said "yeah" so I said the only thing that came to mind "can I take a pic with you?" to which without hesitation he said "sure,come on down here". SO I went to go down there, followed by everyone else. He was really super nice to all of us...chatting with me for a few minutes....but then when it came time to take the pictures he pulled me in superclose to him and gave me a hug! SOemthing he did not do with the others. Then I was still talking to him after the others took off...well my freind was still there....and when he went to walk away I said his name again and he came right back over to me and that was when I got an autograph for my nephew. That was a cool experince and just my freind bringing it up to me brought back good memories and put me in a better frame of mind.

Sorry if all the wrestling/wrestlers talk gets on anybodys nerves I am addicted to wrestling it is the one thing that I am extremely passionate about. And though I know not everyone likes it I can't help but talk about it sometimes.
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Old 10-15-2004, 11:23 PM   #7
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April,

My hubby would love to meet the WWE! He is also a diehard fan! Which wrestler did you get to meet?

Hugs to you! We are here for you and We always will be!!!!
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Old 10-16-2004, 02:30 AM   #8
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Yeah way to go April my son is a wrestlemaniac to he would be so envious obviously the guy your talking about appreciated the respect you showed him by using his first name and that curtesy was rewarded , glad to see that you already new what I said if people only see whats on the outside instead of taking time to see whats on the inside their not worth your time it,s their loss not yours , hope you can work out something with your doctor here in oz we have medicare as well as private insurance medicare is bulk billed its covered by the government I feel for you it,s the pit,s when money,s tight keep your head up ask your angels for help and let go and let God you would be surprised at what can happen when you open up to the universe take care bye for now BLESSED BE JULIE
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Old 10-16-2004, 08:16 AM   #9
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John Cena was the one I met in Sept.....which is why I called him "John" which is his real name. Had it been someone who went by a name like "kane" or "undertaker" I would have had to yell out that name. Its a sign of disrespect to yell out a wrestler's real name if they don't wrestle under that name. Just like it woulda been crazy for me to yell John Cena's full name out. I know it.....but it would'nt have been right to go yelling it out. I've been pretty lucky when it comes to meeting the wwe wrestlers....and I have to say that they have got to be the nicest most down to earth people to meet. There's really only a select few who I have'nt met......but hope to someday.

Not only am I a diehard wwe fan but I adore the indies as well...and am a major Nwa-tna fan!! Now they have fan appreciation weekend coming up to meet the wrestlers and I am planning to go.....its in orlando but it'll be worth it.


I went to work last night......and had a pretty good night! DId alot of walking but I am not complaining....I know I needed the exercise.
Have'nt ate anything yet today I'll have a good breakfast,lunch and dinner and try to watch what I eat in between meals. Snacking is ok......so long as it is something good like fruit and not something bad like chips/candy/cookies. I'm also going to try and drink at least 6 glasses of water today. I know I'm supposed to have 8 but at least getting 6 would be an improvement!

I am starting today with a positive attitude.......and hopefully I will still this way all day!!!

Hope everyone is having a wonderful day today!
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Old 10-16-2004, 08:46 AM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by April28
It's good to be able to come here and be around people who can relate to what I am going through and don't just think that I am supposed to be happy and jolly all of the time.

If people cannot look past my weight to see the person that I am then they are not worth my time.

You hit the nail on the head !!!

Glad your feeling better
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Courage doesn't always roar.
Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying,
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Old 10-16-2004, 12:33 PM   #11
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This is a great thread that touches beneath our skin to who we really are - loving women struggling to do our best and be our best in this crazy world we live in. It's great to be able to "listen in" or join in at this nonthreatening place. It makes the journey so much more meaningful.
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Old 10-16-2004, 02:35 PM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tiredoffat
This is a great thread that touches beneath our skin to who we really are - loving women struggling to do our best and be our best in this crazy world we live in. It's great to be able to "listen in" or join in at this nonthreatening place. It makes the journey so much more meaningful.
Your very sweet
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Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying,
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Old 10-16-2004, 06:17 PM   #13
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Hi everyone I agree it,s nice to be able to let off steam and get such caring encouraging feed back even on my real bad days I know I can come to 3fc threads and there will always be something there to make me smile thanks for being there guys it does help believe me glad you feeling more positive April , my son informed me of somethings about wrestling I can,t say I,m a big fan but I do like to watch I used to like THE ROCK what a honey yum well bye for now BLESSED BE JULIE
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Old 10-16-2004, 07:08 PM   #14
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I have to say that it really helps being able to come here with people who know and understand what I am going through. Some people in my life try understand but sometimes its almost like if you have'nt gone through it yourself then its difficult to relate or understand. Am I making sense? Kind of like when I get down in the dumps some people assume automatically that they did something when in fact I'm only upset with myself.

As for wrestling I love everything about it....I have even helped out at a local indy fed (independent federation) setting up and tearing down the ring and doing security. I love being able to help out and be at least a small part of the business I love. I ultimately want to finish my wrestling training and get licenesed to wrestle. I started out in August and was doing pretty good picking up on things quickly....I put my training on hold after some serious thinking. No one wanted me to....No one asked me to...it was a decision I made on my own. I want to wait until I get my weight down to 160 before resuming my training. so now i have about 65 or so pounds to go.
I'll make it......I have faith in myself. The dream that burns inside of me to be in the ring.....helps me to stay strong. I've been in the ring.....its addicting! I'm normally shy but in the ring I come to life.....its nothing short of awesome. I'm not saying I'll ever make it to the wwe....its possible but thats a longshot. I'll be happpy to just be abel to be moderately successful on the indy circuit. I might not ever make a living at it....but to be able to even part time do something I love would be great.


Anyhow Yay! I've stayed OP for most of today! My sis had a yard sale today and
I helped her out some. We did order Pizza for dinner because no one felt like cooking after being outside most of the day.....however I am going to stick with only having one slice of each....which will equal 2. Better than the 4-6 I used to have.
I'm even going to drink a glass of water with dinner!!!

I hope everyone else is doing wondeful today!
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Old 10-16-2004, 07:39 PM   #15
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G,day from downunder Hi April way to go you sound so much better compared to the doom and gloom girl from before , you sound so positive when you talk about your wrestleing keep it up you have a goal to work for and you know you can do it I KNOW YOU CAN DO IT , reading your last post WOW such energy and great vibes my son is 20 he lives breathes, eats and sleeps wrestling he would think you were just awesome, you keep your dream alive I want to hear more of you making it a reallity well bye for now BLESSED BE JULIE
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