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Old 05-10-2014, 11:08 PM   #1
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Default New, need help desperately, and a penpal too!

Hello, I'm Amy from So Cal. I'm at rockbottom in my life and there's so much wrong that I don't even know how to move on. I know we all have complicated lives, and mine is on the extreme side.

I just hit 300 lbs, my highest ever. I was always heavy as a kid, my lowest was 149 in high school. I'm 5'6" and 45 years old. I have three kids. I am a caregiver for my parents who live next door. My husband also has MS. I have money issues, extreme extended family problems, and severe depression. Panic attacks plague me almost weekly, and migraines. I'm a complete mess and don't know how to go on.

I would love to interact with people here, and maybe find a personal penpal to share emails with.

Right now my challenge is to eat breakfast and exercise. I do have good habits: I eat lots of veggies, I don't drink soda or alcohol, and I rarely go out to eat. But when I eat I overeat (emotionally) and my exercise is problematic as I am in SO much pain when I do. I hope to get over that pain.

My biggest problem is me: I think of my weight all the time and assume others do too. I feel guilty that I am ugly and in this position, and spend way too much time analyzing my flaws. I do have good friends, and my husband wants to have sex daily so I must not be that bad. But I feel horrible and despise the mirror or any reflective surface.

An example: one day I was thinking (my mind runs rapidly all the time on all the wrong things) that I hated my cracked heels, hated my dry skin, hated my age spots, hated my long toe, and on and on. Then in the shower I thought, I hate my pubic hair and realized: DUH! I hate myself. Why do I hate myself so bad?

I had major emergency surgery two years ago and having them move me from bed to bed was humiliating as they needed help I was so big. I swore then I'd get lighter, but am now 40 lbs heavier.

I am high functioning but have severe depression and PTSD. The man who raped me throughout childhood lives ten minutes away and I see him all the time. I make myself get out of bed in the morning and I do get a lot done, but throughout it all I'm bogged down in sadness. I can't remember the last time I woke up happy. I take a lot of meds for my depression and liver and think that may have something to do with the gain.

I started doing a great deal of volunteer work so as to ask the universe to help me out. I pray at times, not sure even how to. I keep very busy because if I stop I want to die.

I hope to find a friend here. I promise to be a good listener and not dwell on myself. I just would love a friend to talk to each day to compare notes. I hope to encourage others from my own experiences.

Would love to meet you all!
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Old 05-10-2014, 11:48 PM   #2
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Hi Sahara

Welcome to 3FC and I wish you much success on your weight loss journey and in your personal life. I would love to have a buddy too.
So have you decided how you want to lose the weight and which diet (life style) change you want to follow? You will find lots of support on here and a lot of information. So make sure you take your time and navigate through this site and find the motivation and information you need to be successful. Good luck.
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Old 05-11-2014, 05:08 AM   #3
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Dear Saharatea,

stop just for a minute and take a deep breath. It seems you have so much to deal with that you cant focus on one thing at a time and your mind keeps racing to everything you feel you should be doing and changing. I can understand this a little as i do it too. I have found writing a list of everything you want to achieve down and try not to be negative on the list, for example instead of "stop being so lazy" i would put "be more active in my every day life" and by that i mean instead of sitting on the sofa watching tv for hours i force myself to get up at every commercial break and at least walk around my flat. Or if that is too much (because you mentioned you have a lot of pain) there are loads of videos of sofa workouts on youtube.
Once you have this list pick the most achievable thing on it and set yourself the task of accomplishing it - for me this was trying a new healthy dish.
What i also suggest you do which has helped me a lot is write a list of positives about yourself - physical and personality strengths, if you cant think of any ask your husband. it doesnt have to be a long list, 5 things will do and start every day by looking at this list and reminding yourself of the good in you.
Hmmm as you can tell i like lists but i find they can help clear my mind for a while and stop all the noise and help me focuse.
I wish you luck in your efforts and would hope you continue to use this forum to get support and talk to people who may understand.
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Old 05-11-2014, 11:21 AM   #4
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I will be your buddy just send me your e-mail in my message section
sasyblond401---I would glad to help you
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Old 05-12-2014, 05:11 PM   #5
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I echo what the others said: Making a list helps. The FlyLady Facebook groups are really helpful too if it is hard to get motivated with housework, diet, etc. If you need accountability, you can contact me. I just started today too. I hope that you have gone to the doctor and have been prescribed something for the anxiety. Like you, I have been self-medicating anxiety with food for years.
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Old 05-12-2014, 07:51 PM   #6
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i ACCEPTED YOUR MESSAGE---i WILL E-MAIL TO YOU......BUT YOU HAVE
MUCH TO LEARN AND GATHER,,,,,,,,BE ACCEPTING YOUR E-MAIL
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Old 05-13-2014, 11:51 PM   #7
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trying to send some PM's to people who contacted me but the forum won't let me yet. For those, wait on me and I'll be with you soon! Amy
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Old 05-14-2014, 07:40 AM   #8
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Hi and welcome.

Yes you can't send Pms until you've made about 20 posts or been here so many days i can't remember which. Don't worry. Just post every day and you will start to feel you belong here.

I have had a lot of experience depression and mental health. I am a regular on a mental health forum which might be a good place for you to blog as well as hang out here for weight loss. Mind you that site is getting quieter it used to be so busy. I think people have moved on to other modes nowadays. I still use it for blogging and messaging with a few people.

Its not hard to find out if weight gain is a side effect of your medication. Just look it up on wikipedia or read the side effects packet and ask your doctor about it. They don't all make you put on weight. Since you have dry skin, have you had your thyroid checked in recent times. Dry skin is one symptom. When it comes to how you feel about your appearance, the way you describe it is typical of someone who is depressed. Its how i feel about myself when i'm depressed and i've read many other blogs say the same thing. Just avoid looking in the mirror so that you don't have a trigger to send yourself nasty messages.

Nip those negative thoughts in the bud as much as possible. YOu don't have to keep on with the hating voice. Just let those thoughts go. Because they make you feel worse.

Learn how to meditate to relieve anxiety and also to let go negative thoughts. You use the breath as your object of focus. Its best to learn from a teacher but there is a lot of stuff online. There is a lot of rubbish on line but the buddhists are the best meditators in my view and also people like Jon Kabat Zinn who is a secular meditation teacher. Read his book Full Catastrophe Living. There are buddhist centres where you can learn. I like the styles of the south east asians the best. But they all have advantages and disadvantages. So just find a place you like and a teacher you like. Don't feel you have to stick with one school if you do find one.

have you got a therapist/counsellor? It sounds like you would benefit from having one right now.

Don't worry about exercise if its a problem. You don't need to exercise to lose weight. Its great you eat lots of vegies and don't drink sodas. Re the emotional eating, there seem to be a couple of approaches that help with this. one is CBT and you could read the Beck Diet solution which does the CBT thing in a book. The other is Intuitive Eating IE. There are a number of books that people on here recommend. The only book i've read about doesn't really seem to deal with the emotional cravings so much as teach you how to eat. I think for the emotional stuff, you need to get yourself in a good space so that you are able to find the resolve to say no.

One of the cornerstones of my current weightloss effort is looking after my mental health. This involves addressing things as early as i can. I minimise stress, and find a counsellor when things are problematic and i can't resolve them myself. I've only had one bingy moment in over four months and i avoided it. But then i wasn't depressed when i started this diet and i haven't been depressed. I've had a little bit of anxiety.

Also looked after your sleep. I find if i stay up too late, thats when i am more prone to negative thinking and ruminating and other bad mental habits. Its also not good for weightloss. So get plenty of sleep.

Be kind to yourself. Quit hating yourself. Just cut off the thoughts when they arise. Distract yourself.

For losing weight, just maybe start by eating at your current maintenance calories and when you feel you are able, reduce a little bit. Don't reduce too drastically. Try to avoid getting hungry. If you get hungry, eat something but make it healthy. Drink plenty of water. You don't need to give up carbs i think, just cut down to a modest amount. But i have found that cutting refined sugars out of my diet has been grate. When i don't eat sugar, i don't crave it, so long as i'm not depressed. If i was depressed, i probably would.

For dealing with your problems and life, you probably need outside help. Someone to talk it over with so that you can start to find solutions or ways to make things better. I wish you all the best.
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