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Old 03-22-2014, 05:47 PM   #1
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Wink Seriously This Time....

Hi...gotta say I'm totally shy. I've never acknowledged that I have serious weight issues to anyone besides my mother, fiance, and assorted medical personnel. I have friends that know I'm unhappy, but I feel like I'm really sticking my head out by posting specifically on a weight loss forum. And I'm scared.
But the thing is, I think posting here is good...hopefully....I think what I need is to have a support group to hold me accountable. I come from a large family (ha ha) and while they agreed that I needed to lose weight, their support and motivation always fizzled out to "Well it doesn't matter. You're beautiful the way you are." Which is great, you know, but it wasn't helpful. And now I'm engaged to an amazing person, but he too says I'm beautiful and sees my weight as just a part of me. He knows its dangerous, but he's afraid to hurt my feelings I think (I'm kind of fragile....) and when I say I'm fat, he turns it into something less blunt (I'm soft, fluffy, curvy, extra cuddly, etc.) I think he's afraid to push me.
I wasn't always fat. I was a freaking bean pole when I was really little. I started gaining weight when I started school. It got worse when I was 8 and my dad went to prison and was released because he was dying. He didn't die, but he was very sick and started being mean. I was sad ALL the time, and I was with my grandparents most of the time, and they handled my sadness and anger by plying me with insane amounts of sweets and junk food and Happy Meals. -_-; It never occurred to me that that was a problem, because it helped and that continued for years until I was 14 or so.
When I was a teenager, a lot of sh*t happened. A lot of really bad stuff, that I'm still wrestling with at 23 years old. All that time, I couldn't have cared less about my weight, because I didn't even want to be alive. I don't like to think about that period of my life very much.
I think I weighed something like 200 pounds when the bad times started. When I met my fiance, in 2011, I was 20, and I weighed 320+ pounds! In September of 2011, after my grandpa's death, I moved in with my fiance in another state.
Today, after getting out of the constant stress of the 3-ring circus that is my family, and starting to eat healthy...er, I weigh 280 pounds. I've lost a lot! But I haven't lost enough. I still have high cholesterol, and I found out in the winter that I'm probably pre-diabetic (courtesy of a very tough 2013 during which my father [who's miraculously still alive after all these years] and my grandma were both fighting cancer, and I was very depressed and scared, and self-medicating with high amounts of candy and potato chips and booze) and my back hurts so bad all the time, that I have to take heavy-duty pain killers multiple times a day.

I talk a lot...

Recently, a friend of mine who shall remain nameless, decided after a long time of trying to shed the pounds, that she would "embrace herself" and her weight as just something that makes her her. I would never tell her this, but it seems like she's just giving up. She's bigger than me, and I worry about her. As a confidence thing, I'm glad she feels powerful enough to "embrace herself", but that's not for me. I hate the way I look. I hate my stomach and all the stretch marks on my body. I want to live a long and healthy life. I want to have a family, and apparently its not easy to have children if you're obese.
I don't want to be a stick. At 5'1, my "appropriate" weight is something like 110 pounds. That's never gonna happen. That's not what I want. I have the same body-type as my mother, and I've seen pictures of her in the 80s when she weighed 120 pounds, and she looked sick and starved. Her bones stuck out sharply against her skin. She didn't look healthy, or happy. When I was a little girl, before my brother was conceived, she weighed about 170 pounds, and she looked absolutely beautiful. My best friend when I was a teenager was the same height and body-type as me and she weighed 160 pounds. She. Was. Gorgeous.
So that's my goal. Something like 180-160 pounds. Wish me luck!
And if you read this whole thing, you get an A+ for effort and here's a hug for you.
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Old 03-22-2014, 06:17 PM   #2
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Here's a right back at you! I am so sorry you have had such a hard life. Now, the past is gone, not forgotten but gone. TODAY is here. Start living your life to the fullest TODAY. Do not look back at yesterday, and tomorrow is the future. LIVE FOR TODAY! Take your weight loss one day at a time. You are blessed with someone who loves you, a lot of people do not have that joy. I hope it all works out for you. Look around all the threads, there are a lot of awesome people here. God Bless you with success!
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Old 03-22-2014, 06:33 PM   #3
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Thank you! And I like your signature, btw.
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Old 03-22-2014, 06:50 PM   #4
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Hi Christa.

Thanks for sharing your story with us. I hope you are able to achieve your goals and find the support you need on this site.

For what its worth, i just quit sweets cold turkey. All that stuff that makes me eat more, i quit. I find it makes losing weight a lot easier. And i also eat a lot of high soluble fibre foods. This stuff cleans up your blood, particularly beans, which take out the cholesterol. Yesterday i was reading how they do it. But i can't remember where i read it.

Best wishes on your journey.

Maybe have a look at the Beck Solution forum. Its a psychological approach to weight loss. My approach is very psychological too, though as i'm not a professional, i find it hard to articulate it in useful terms for others. I think the author's name is Judith Beck.
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Old 03-22-2014, 09:34 PM   #5
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Thank you for the advice.
I tried to quit sugar cold-turkey a few months ago. Then one day I snuck into our kitchen during the night like a thief, stealthily set up a step ladder, and stole a candy bar from where my fiance keeps the sweets on the top shelf of the pantry. I went into the basement and scarfed the candy bar like a starving fugitive. O_o; After it was gone, I thought for a while. I couldn't believe it! I think this may be what people who try to quit smoking feel after they smoked for 20 years. Stealing from my own kitchen! Since then I've tried to have only a little sugar every once in a while. This seems to help. Still much healthier than before, but I'm not behaving like a secretive heroin addict any more.

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Old 03-22-2014, 09:36 PM   #6
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Hi and welcome! You are in good hands for support. We are all working for the same thing. Come as often as you need to for support!
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Old 03-22-2014, 09:37 PM   #7
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Thank you!
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Old 03-22-2014, 10:18 PM   #8
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Good on you for not stealing from your own larder anymore. A sort of cute story oddly. Maybe you are a good storyteller.

This is my second diet without sugar. The first time i did it, i also quit cheese, nuts anything at all that i would binge on. Long story short, This time round i can see i don't need to quit cheese and nuts and so on. But because in the past i've tried to eat sweets moderately and couldn't do it, i find it easier to just leave it out.

I know christmas time will be very challenging for me. Last night i had the idea of doing a rich French food type thing for christmas. If i have all this amazing high cal savoury food to eat, i might be able to avoid sugar. Of course i will put on weight but i probably won't trigger the return of all my old behaviours.

Instead i have an out clause for my sugar eating opportunities. Actually i have two. But for desserts and things of that kind, it has to be special food that i feel i want to experience because its new or special and in a situation where i can't lose control. so that is when i go out to eat at a restaurant withy other people. Or if i'm out and someone offers me some yummy sweet treat. I should be safe in those situation but i am not sure how it will be the day after so i am putting off the moment.

meanwhile i avoid looking at and thinking about sweets as much as possible. My father who live iwht eats ice-cream and stuff but we have separate fridges and prepare our own food and so far i've been good at turning down his offers and so on. I just know from so much experience that that sort of food is just not worth it for me.

If i could eat it in moderation, i certainly would do that. But i just can't.

The other out clause i've got is that i can use sugar in savoury dishes e.g. a little bit in tomato based pasta sauces and thai food often has sugar and things like that. Even if i eat cornflakes or rice bubbles or those other non sweet breakfast cereals i can put a pinch (literally) of sugar and it does not upset me. Its because its just not sweet enough i think.

But it sounds like you can possibly cope with a little bit of sugar now and then. I find it mentally difficult to stop or limit myself severely or ration myself without experiencing mental stress. I don't like that stress. So i avoid it.

I quit smoking many years ago, i have come round to thinking of my approach to sugar as the same as it was with cigarettes. I could never have just one cigarette. It would always become another one too soon.
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Old 03-22-2014, 10:19 PM   #9
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OOOH! OOOH! I want to say hi too! I'm glad you came to join us. I'm way older than you but, I understand trama, pain, snarfing candy in the basement and potato chips and booze way to well. I also never ever tried to use any kind of support to help me thru my 100thousand attempts to lose lbs. I joined this site because I waited til my health was so far out of control, it is now or never. You are not alone.

I want to tell you that even though it has been challenging, my numbers prove that my plan is working for me in a little tiny bit of time too. If I can get my stuff down and I'm 50, I know you can too!

This site is one of the most happy, fun, positive tools, I use to help myself. My family is messed up and my friends are all like..."your fine." The doctors are like "your gonna die, have a heart attack or stroke and get the insulin ready any day now..." if you do not lose weight and stop smoking. NO Thank you to all that illness.

So welcome. I hope you post often. Its nice to have a "place" to go sometimes especially when I feel like over eating.
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Old 03-22-2014, 10:45 PM   #10
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Pattience: I am a good story teller. It comes from having such a dysfunctional family and kind of a messed up life, I think. I had to learn to make it a bit funny, or put a positive kind of spin on things. It helps. ^^;
I'm not good at moderation either to be truthful. My fiance and his mom sort of play watchdog on me. Sometimes I get very angry at them, sometimes I even cry, like "I f-ing need this soda; If you don't let me have this soda, I will literally go insane!" Sometimes I feel like they're trying to shame me when they're only trying to help. Sometimes I don't know how they deal with my BS. But they do.

miniapplecocoa:: Hello!
To have a "place" is what I'm hoping to get here. I need support. My fiance does great, but as I said, I'm kind of a fragile sort of person and I think he's afraid to push me. Unfortunately that makes his motivation kind of lukewarm. :/
I don't really have friends in my area, so I don't have anyone to be work-out buddies with. And I'm incredibly introverted and scared of people, so getting me into a public gym is like trying to give a cat a bubble bath! And I can't afford a gym anyway. @_@;;
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Old 03-22-2014, 10:50 PM   #11
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You don't need the soda Christa, you probably need a drink of water. Lots of newbies to the diet thing, find water drinking very helpful as a way to manage their appetite and cravings.

Before i became a water drinker (quite a few years ago now), i only drank coffee. I would often have the feeling, I need a coffee. so it was what i went for when i needed something. I didn't know then that i was dehydrated or thirsty, not in need of coffee per se. Perhaps its the same with you.

I still drink a lot of coffee but i drink a lot more water now too. And i know when i'm thirsty now too.

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Old 03-23-2014, 08:20 AM   #12
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Hi Christa, thank you for sharing your story. I can imagine it wasn't easy , so well done!

If you are serious about losing weight you have come to the right place! people of all walks of life and sizes and shapes frequent this forum and you will find a lot of useful information and reassurance. Now, for your story a lot of this sounds just too familiar to me. I've always been large and my grandparents "overfed" me at a young age as there was a lot of tumult around my parents. The age of ten and looking like a Michelin man you can imagine that I wasn't the most popular kid , so you do get shy and don't want to draw attention to yourself. My journey started after I got married I had a look at my wedding pictures, and as much as they were o so pretty I decided I didn't like who was wearing my dress. We had also been trying for a baby for a while, but nothing so I got told by the GP to lose weight and here I am. It is tough to admit that you do have a problem and do have to lose weight, but the journey there is o so interesting. At the moment I've lost 44lb since I decided to change my eating habits and pick up a hobby just to get out of the house and off the couch and I hope to lose at least another 30lb. which will take me roughly at 180ish. Moral of the story is(a lot of talking about myself here) that YOU CAN DO IT! If I can do it , you can! Just its going to take time, take it slow, lose the weight slowly, adjust 1 thing at the time.

Sorry for hijacking your welcome thread, but I just wanted you to know that I can identify with you o so well. I wish you the best of luck and welcome to 3FC!

xxx Sorrow xxx
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Old 03-23-2014, 12:44 PM   #13
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Hi ChristaCupcake!
First I want to congratulate you on losing 40 lbs, I know how hard that is! I have lost 23 lbs so far.
Second, I am so glad you felt comfortable enough to join this forum....believe me I understand how you feel.
I am also very very new to this forum, and am still getting lost searching around through it.

I hope that I am not overstepping any boundaries, please let me know if I am - that applies to anyone reading this.
I really hope you can find this thread and that it will help you some.

A lot of what I am saying is because of my experiences so far, and the info is stuff I have read.
First know that you are not alone, there are many others who feel like you do or who have felt like you do.
You are very loved by your fiance! He accepts you the way you are. He sees the beauty inside. You might not like yourself at your size - I don't like myself at my size - but that does not mean that you are not loved by others. Always remember that.
As far as getting the type of support you need from your loved ones, sometimes it helps to tell them what you need specifically.

Some examples might be:
- not to talk about trigger foods that you are staying away from
- remove all temping foods from the home that are on your do not eat list. If your fiance wants them he can go out and buy one and not eat it in your presence
- just listening while you vent
- encouraging you when you need it
- praising you for the walking 5 minutes more than yesterday
- praising you for eating only foods on your healthy foods list
- praising you for staying on track
- asking you to take a walk with them
- parking a little further away from the store - every step counts

As young children we often blame ourselves when traumatic events happen in our families, as adults we need to keep telling ourselves that it was not our fault until we believe it. Unfortunately there is not much we can do about the teasing or ostracizing that may have happened as a result. Again as an adult we need to remember that often others are cruel when they do not understand our pain or hardships. Forgiving them helps in the healing, helps us to let it go, so we can move on.

About using food as a comfort: even mis-informed people mean well. They love you and thought they were helping. When my siblings and I were growing up, there was always several kinds of goodies in the house and often several varieties/flavors of various goodies. Too bad we didn't know then what we know now.

However it is never to late to make changes...recognizing that we need to is the first step...

With all these positive changes you are making in your life, especially regarding your health I hope you find comfort and strength in knowing that when your children come along you will be raising them from day 1 to eat healthy and be healthy

Things you can do that might help:
For every negative thought you say or think about yourself - out loud tell yourself 2 positive things.
Such as:
I have lost 40 lbs so far
I feel better than I did last year
Every pound lost is a pound closer to my goal
I am getting healthier every day
I walked 5 minutes more than yesterday
I am a lovable person
I am kindhearted, humorous, intelligent, caring...........
I am very good at ..............

Some supplements that will help:
- Garcinia Cambogia is supposed to help regulate blood glucose....just type that in a search bar you will find lots of info - reduces sugar cravings
- Stevia is a plant derived sweetener safe for diabetics....probably better than any artificial sweeteners
- Keeping a food and exercise journal helps you be more accountable for your actions
- 3 healthier oils: grapeseed oil, ex virgin olive oil, coconut oil - this one is good for the skin too, I mix it with some rose hip oil
- Take a good fiber supplement
- Take a good probiotic

Drinking enough water is very important: drink half your weight in ounces
take your weight in pounds / 2 = # of ounces of water you need every day....more if it is hot, you're exercising etc

Getting enough protein is also very important:
take your weight in pounds X .4 = grams of protein/day - this if for someone who is sedentary

Check out alkaline forming foods, try to eat those kinds of vegetables

Just keep putting one foot in front of the other...the road might seem steeper some days than others but we will get there and we are not alone in this journey.

Last edited by cleanslate : 03-23-2014 at 12:50 PM. Reason: spelling mistakes
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Old 03-23-2014, 04:23 PM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pattience View Post
You don't need the soda Christa, you probably need a drink of water. Lots of newbies to the diet thing, find water drinking very helpful as a way to manage their appetite and cravings.

Before i became a water drinker (quite a few years ago now), i only drank coffee. I would often have the feeling, I need a coffee. so it was what i went for when i needed something. I didn't know then that i was dehydrated or thirsty, not in need of coffee per se. Perhaps its the same with you.

I still drink a lot of coffee but i drink a lot more water now too. And i know when i'm thirsty now too.
I have to drink lots of water as is. I live in Denver, and its SOOO dry here, if you don't drink enough water you get dehydrated and very sick. When I first moved here, I had to make myself drink water. I hated water, I almost never drank it growing up. When I moved here, I had constant headaches and nose bleeds.
I drink a lot of water now, but not enough lately. O_o
The soda thing, its sort of like a craving, which I think comes from the way I was raised where if I was upset, they gave me sugary junk. So now if I'm upset, it comes back to me. Like if you give me that soda, I will feel better. I'm still working on getting over that.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Sorrow View Post
Hi Christa, thank you for sharing your story. I can imagine it wasn't easy , so well done!

If you are serious about losing weight you have come to the right place! people of all walks of life and sizes and shapes frequent this forum and you will find a lot of useful information and reassurance. Now, for your story a lot of this sounds just too familiar to me. I've always been large and my grandparents "overfed" me at a young age as there was a lot of tumult around my parents. The age of ten and looking like a Michelin man you can imagine that I wasn't the most popular kid , so you do get shy and don't want to draw attention to yourself. My journey started after I got married I had a look at my wedding pictures, and as much as they were o so pretty I decided I didn't like who was wearing my dress. We had also been trying for a baby for a while, but nothing so I got told by the GP to lose weight and here I am. It is tough to admit that you do have a problem and do have to lose weight, but the journey there is o so interesting. At the moment I've lost 44lb since I decided to change my eating habits and pick up a hobby just to get out of the house and off the couch and I hope to lose at least another 30lb. which will take me roughly at 180ish. Moral of the story is(a lot of talking about myself here) that YOU CAN DO IT! If I can do it , you can! Just its going to take time, take it slow, lose the weight slowly, adjust 1 thing at the time.

Sorry for hijacking your welcome thread, but I just wanted you to know that I can identify with you o so well. I wish you the best of luck and welcome to 3FC!

xxx Sorrow xxx
Thank you, and no problem, you're not hijacking.
I'm just happy its Spring, we have a park so close, and I can walk in the sun. I hate winter. It makes me want to hide and be completely unproductive.
Good luck to you too! We can all do this!


Quote:
Originally Posted by cleanslate View Post
Hi ChristaCupcake!
First I want to congratulate you on losing 40 lbs, I know how hard that is! I have lost 23 lbs so far.
Second, I am so glad you felt comfortable enough to join this forum....believe me I understand how you feel.
I am also very very new to this forum, and am still getting lost searching around through it.

I hope that I am not overstepping any boundaries, please let me know if I am - that applies to anyone reading this.
I really hope you can find this thread and that it will help you some.

A lot of what I am saying is because of my experiences so far, and the info is stuff I have read.
First know that you are not alone, there are many others who feel like you do or who have felt like you do.
You are very loved by your fiance! He accepts you the way you are. He sees the beauty inside. You might not like yourself at your size - I don't like myself at my size - but that does not mean that you are not loved by others. Always remember that.
As far as getting the type of support you need from your loved ones, sometimes it helps to tell them what you need specifically.

Some examples might be:
- not to talk about trigger foods that you are staying away from
- remove all temping foods from the home that are on your do not eat list. If your fiance wants them he can go out and buy one and not eat it in your presence
- just listening while you vent
- encouraging you when you need it
- praising you for the walking 5 minutes more than yesterday
- praising you for eating only foods on your healthy foods list
- praising you for staying on track
- asking you to take a walk with them
- parking a little further away from the store - every step counts

As young children we often blame ourselves when traumatic events happen in our families, as adults we need to keep telling ourselves that it was not our fault until we believe it. Unfortunately there is not much we can do about the teasing or ostracizing that may have happened as a result. Again as an adult we need to remember that often others are cruel when they do not understand our pain or hardships. Forgiving them helps in the healing, helps us to let it go, so we can move on.

About using food as a comfort: even mis-informed people mean well. They love you and thought they were helping. When my siblings and I were growing up, there was always several kinds of goodies in the house and often several varieties/flavors of various goodies. Too bad we didn't know then what we know now.

However it is never to late to make changes...recognizing that we need to is the first step...

With all these positive changes you are making in your life, especially regarding your health I hope you find comfort and strength in knowing that when your children come along you will be raising them from day 1 to eat healthy and be healthy

Things you can do that might help:
For every negative thought you say or think about yourself - out loud tell yourself 2 positive things.
Such as:
I have lost 40 lbs so far
I feel better than I did last year
Every pound lost is a pound closer to my goal
I am getting healthier every day
I walked 5 minutes more than yesterday
I am a lovable person
I am kindhearted, humorous, intelligent, caring...........
I am very good at ..............

Some supplements that will help:
- Garcinia Cambogia is supposed to help regulate blood glucose....just type that in a search bar you will find lots of info - reduces sugar cravings
- Stevia is a plant derived sweetener safe for diabetics....probably better than any artificial sweeteners
- Keeping a food and exercise journal helps you be more accountable for your actions
- 3 healthier oils: grapeseed oil, ex virgin olive oil, coconut oil - this one is good for the skin too, I mix it with some rose hip oil
- Take a good fiber supplement
- Take a good probiotic

Drinking enough water is very important: drink half your weight in ounces
take your weight in pounds / 2 = # of ounces of water you need every day....more if it is hot, you're exercising etc

Getting enough protein is also very important:
take your weight in pounds X .4 = grams of protein/day - this if for someone who is sedentary

Check out alkaline forming foods, try to eat those kinds of vegetables

Just keep putting one foot in front of the other...the road might seem steeper some days than others but we will get there and we are not alone in this journey.
Thank you and congrats on losing over 20! That's a milestone in itself, especially when you have bad days where you think you just can't do it.
Thank you so much for all the tips. I need to write some of this stuff down!

I'm going to start a weight loss journal, I think that will help me a lot.
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Old 03-23-2014, 04:44 PM   #15
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LOL! I'm a Pet Groomer "giving a cat a bubble bath made me crack up! That is difficult.

You don't have to go to the gym EVER. I am not big on public humiliation. You also can work out with just you and/or maybe even your future hubby. Yoga for two is kind of sexy and he sounds like the type that might do anything for you. LOL! Just look it up on-line.

I have found out that even 1/2 A** participation in exercise is helpful to my well being. I try to do it as best I can but tiny little baby steps are ok too.

If I sometimes sound like I'm talking about myself a lot, its because I don't want to make any assumptions about you or your life. So you know the saying "take what you need and throw the rest away."

40lbs is major! And getting thru your family system sounds major too! You might not feel it right now but your miracle is inside you waiting to bust out the rest of the way. Its already busting right now. LOL!

Alright Miss Cupcake, I hope you are well and happy 'just this moment'. I find I can only make good choices one at a time right? Have a great Sunday!
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