I finally had to take a good look at myself in the mirror - I am very much overweight. When I talk to my friends about it (and they're all gorgeous, skinny girls who have never struggled with weight), I mostly just get ignored, ridiculed, or told to stop being lazy and to just eat a lot of fiber.
Unfortunately, I was diagnosed about a year and a half ago with Crohn's Disease, so eating excessive amounts of fiber can actually cause flare-ups and make me really sick. On top of that, Crohn's really wears you out fast, and it zaps my energy very quickly into the day. I was doing okay with losing weight before my diagnosis (granted, part of that was simply that the disease was making it impossible for me to take in any nutrients, so everything I put into my body came right back out), but then my doctor put me on this horrific medication that made me gain 40 pounds, I couldn't sleep for more than 20 minutes at a time, and it made me break out like crazy! I worked out nearly every day, ate lean meats, avoided processed foods, and drank a ton of water... but it did nothing. My doctor even told me that there was literally nothing, barring starving myself, that could have prevented a weight gain, and that my hard work had at least helped it from being worse. Getting my metabolism back in shape since then (I'm no longer on that medicine) has felt pretty impossible; I'm not losing weight, but I'm not gaining it in an out of control way anymore.
Anyways, I thought I could just handle being overweight and continue rocking it in other aspects of my life - I was at a performing arts college, I had a lot of friends, and I was going for my dreams. But then a male friend decided to describe the "hotness" level of all of our friends to our group, and conveniently forgot to mention me for a good minute, effectively singling me out as being unappealing enough that he couldn't even remember me when I was STANDING IN FRONT OF HIM... finally, after visibly struggling with finding something attractive about me, he threw in some b.s. answer about how I have confidence, so he guessed that was hot. Which, you know, only obliterated the confidence I had in how I looked. Now, I know that he's a total jerk for objectifying us like that anyways and that his approval is not needed, but still. It hurt. I don't know if I've ever felt so ugly, fat and singled out all at once.
Now that I'm home from college (I've left that college for good, but I'm looking elsewhere), I've struggled with virtually everything else - I've been job hunting to no avail for 4 months, I can't even afford to pay for basic toiletries (let alone insurance or gasoline), and my weight is more out of control than ever.
I want to change - I want to feel better about myself. I have all of these dreams about my life and what I want to do with it, including studying abroad at a prestigious performing arts school in London, but I'm having difficulty finding a job to help me pay for it or for lessons for the auditions in the late winter of 2014. I'd like to feel confident when I go in for my auditions, and if I get in, I'd like to be able to move to a whole new country and "strut," haha.
I'm tired of avoiding mirrors and trying to weasel my way out of trips to the pool or pictures with my friends. I want to be -healthy-. But when you're spiraling and hitting rock bottom, it's really hard to break away from bad habits that make you feel better only in the present. And when you feel depressed like I do on top of having an energy-sapping disease, it makes it hard to find the will to get up and work out. With so little going right in my life, I just want to start feeling control and pride in at least ONE THING with the hopes that other parts will follow.
Any words of advice on how to get started?
If you've made it this far in my seemingly endless self-pitying rambles, then I both commend and thank you for your efforts. I just couldn't really cut anything else, considering all of the things mentioned are massive contributing factors as to why I'm here now.
Did I mention that I'm an actress and a musician? It's hard to focus on criticisms of your own performances when all you can notice is how big you look compared to your other actors. Just saying.
In other words... HELP!