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Everything's falling apart - I'd like to at least be in control of my weight!

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Old 09-28-2013, 08:03 AM   #1
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Unhappy Everything's falling apart - I'd like to at least be in control of my weight!

I finally had to take a good look at myself in the mirror - I am very much overweight. When I talk to my friends about it (and they're all gorgeous, skinny girls who have never struggled with weight), I mostly just get ignored, ridiculed, or told to stop being lazy and to just eat a lot of fiber.

Unfortunately, I was diagnosed about a year and a half ago with Crohn's Disease, so eating excessive amounts of fiber can actually cause flare-ups and make me really sick. On top of that, Crohn's really wears you out fast, and it zaps my energy very quickly into the day. I was doing okay with losing weight before my diagnosis (granted, part of that was simply that the disease was making it impossible for me to take in any nutrients, so everything I put into my body came right back out), but then my doctor put me on this horrific medication that made me gain 40 pounds, I couldn't sleep for more than 20 minutes at a time, and it made me break out like crazy! I worked out nearly every day, ate lean meats, avoided processed foods, and drank a ton of water... but it did nothing. My doctor even told me that there was literally nothing, barring starving myself, that could have prevented a weight gain, and that my hard work had at least helped it from being worse. Getting my metabolism back in shape since then (I'm no longer on that medicine) has felt pretty impossible; I'm not losing weight, but I'm not gaining it in an out of control way anymore.

Anyways, I thought I could just handle being overweight and continue rocking it in other aspects of my life - I was at a performing arts college, I had a lot of friends, and I was going for my dreams. But then a male friend decided to describe the "hotness" level of all of our friends to our group, and conveniently forgot to mention me for a good minute, effectively singling me out as being unappealing enough that he couldn't even remember me when I was STANDING IN FRONT OF HIM... finally, after visibly struggling with finding something attractive about me, he threw in some b.s. answer about how I have confidence, so he guessed that was hot. Which, you know, only obliterated the confidence I had in how I looked. Now, I know that he's a total jerk for objectifying us like that anyways and that his approval is not needed, but still. It hurt. I don't know if I've ever felt so ugly, fat and singled out all at once.

Now that I'm home from college (I've left that college for good, but I'm looking elsewhere), I've struggled with virtually everything else - I've been job hunting to no avail for 4 months, I can't even afford to pay for basic toiletries (let alone insurance or gasoline), and my weight is more out of control than ever.

I want to change - I want to feel better about myself. I have all of these dreams about my life and what I want to do with it, including studying abroad at a prestigious performing arts school in London, but I'm having difficulty finding a job to help me pay for it or for lessons for the auditions in the late winter of 2014. I'd like to feel confident when I go in for my auditions, and if I get in, I'd like to be able to move to a whole new country and "strut," haha.

I'm tired of avoiding mirrors and trying to weasel my way out of trips to the pool or pictures with my friends. I want to be -healthy-. But when you're spiraling and hitting rock bottom, it's really hard to break away from bad habits that make you feel better only in the present. And when you feel depressed like I do on top of having an energy-sapping disease, it makes it hard to find the will to get up and work out. With so little going right in my life, I just want to start feeling control and pride in at least ONE THING with the hopes that other parts will follow.

Any words of advice on how to get started?

If you've made it this far in my seemingly endless self-pitying rambles, then I both commend and thank you for your efforts. I just couldn't really cut anything else, considering all of the things mentioned are massive contributing factors as to why I'm here now.

Did I mention that I'm an actress and a musician? It's hard to focus on criticisms of your own performances when all you can notice is how big you look compared to your other actors. Just saying.

In other words... HELP!
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Old 09-28-2013, 09:48 AM   #2
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Hi ohmygodshoes! Bless your heart! I am so sorry you are going through all that. May I ask, besides high fiber, have you identified certain foods that aggravate your Crohn's symptoms? I was reading on WebMD about Crohn's and it has a whole list of food which "could" trigger it but since everyone is different, not everyone reacts the same to every food. The article says you pretty much have to experiment with different foods to see what you can tolerate. It did seem to give a green light to fish and it didn't rule out chicken. It also said you need to be taking vitamin supplements, including vitamin D, which most people have become deficient in and which has recently been linked to weight loss, and it said drinks such as Ensure Plus or Boost Plus can help you get needed calories. I'm not supposed to post links but I think 3FC might let me get away with it under the circumstances, especially since WebMD is a reputable website. What I was looking at was: http://www.webmd.com/ibd-crohns-dise...ease-diet-plan. I'm sure you have probably gone over diet with your doctor. Then again, doctors aren't always real helpful when it comes to discussing diet, so I don't know. I'd say do as much research as you can on your own and experiment with foods to know what might work best for you. I'm glad you are not on that awful medicine anymore but I do help it helped you. As for the rest, just take it one step at a time. Rely on your parents/family if you can for your basic needs. I know you may not want to, but sometimes we have to do what we must until we can do what we can. I'm sorry your skinny friends cannot understand what you are going through, and I hope you'll make friends on here who will be more understanding. Check out the 20-Somethings under Support Groups. I assume you are 20-something since you are still in college. They may be able to offer you some advice/support when it comes to issues like skinny friends who don't understand. You said you are going back to college. I hope you do. It might not be the college that is your first choice--that may have to wait a bit until you get things more under control, save up a little money, etc.--but just getting enrolled again, getting going again, making some new friends is a great first step. I wish you the very best!
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Current Attempt (Slow Carb Diet, started July 19, 2013) <> Previous Attempt (Calorie-Counting, 2009)

= 10 lbs lost; = 5 lbs lost:
MINI GOALS:
1. 196 lbs = "Overweight" BMI of 29.8 MET GOAL!!
2. 178 lbs = Lowest Weight in 13 years, BMI of 27.1 MET GOAL!!
3. 164 lbs = "Normal Weight" BMI of 24.9
4. 145 lbs = Goal Weight BMI of 22.0
MAINTENANCE GOAL:
Stay between 145 lbs and 155 lbs
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Old 09-28-2013, 09:59 AM   #3
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Welcome, OhMyGodShoes!! I'm not speaking from a level of recent success at all, but am still plugging away at it. One book that I've found helpful on the mental side of eating is the Beck Diet Solution and we have a great group of folks on that thread, from years-long maintainers helping us all along, to those who have just started. I don't know if you're struggling with temptation and eating more still, or if the weight gain was pretty much just due to the meds and you just need that right-for-you balance of food to fuel you and help drop the add'l weight.

Best of luck on your journey!
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Old 09-29-2013, 11:50 PM   #4
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ohmygodshoes

I want to hug you in PERSON, you poor thing!! Oh, you aren't on a pity party-- you are speaking from you heart, and crying out for someone who KNOWS what you go thru and struggles-- and, my new buddy-- that's US. We are here to listen, share and NOT JUDGE YOU, but SUPPORT you!

So nice that Jacqui_D popped in on this thread-- she was one of the first to welcome ME too, back about a month ago when I joined this site. She's awesome!

we are soooo glad you are here!
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