i suppose i should begin with what has brought me here..
i've been overweight forever. even as a small child, a toddler, i was chubby. it was okay back then. it was cute! but, it hasn't been cute in many, many years.
i've tried my whole life to lose weight, keep it off, and live the life i so desperately want and need. but, i've failed at everything. i was in weight watchers at 10 years old. it was awkward and, honestly, very sad to be a child in a weightloss program like that. the weigh ins, the meetings...i'm afraid it soured my impression of support groups of that ilk. but, my desperation has grown over the last couple of years and especially the last 6 months or so. if i had money, i'm sure i would be back to attending those meetings each week.
as i said, the last 6 months have really done me in. what little self esteem i may have had is gone. i'm at rock bottom and i need to fix it.
i was admitted to the hospital this spring. i attempted suicide and had to go through the whole psych ward adventure because of it. i was diagnosed with borderline personality and a few other goodies, such as severe anxiety and major depressive disorder. but, treatment has not been going very well. long story short, i'm currenly getting no treatment for my various emotional and mental issues and i'm well aware of the danger of it. but, health insurance and that lack of money i mentioned tends to make such apparent luxuries difficult to maintain.
then there's the super tragic break-up arch of my story. i was in a relationships of sorts with someone for 10 years. he was my best friend, lover, and the only person who could bring me up when i was down. he knew me better than anyone. and he recently (yesterday, actually...) told me that he was letting go of us, of me. he loves me, but he can't do it anymore, were his words. i'm numb on that front, but it has had a great effect on my determination to fix myself and prove to him and others in my life that i am worth it. i'm tired of disappointing everyone and losing those i care about.
i can't do it anymore, either.
this is getting long, i know...i'm sorry for that. but, i figure -- why not let them know some real things about me? maybe something will come of clearing my head. maybe i'll find a first step...
also, i'm procrastinating. at this moment, i should be doing school work because i'm behind and can't lose my grip because i'm only 2 months away from earning my bachelor's degree in english (that has something to do with my tendnecy to ramble). i'm a passionate student, but recent events have left my head tired and confused. i can't seem to get into writing about the american education system right now.
so, what have we got so far...fat history, heartbreak, and now for...oh! family.
my family is a wreck. an absolutely hopeless mess of people that do nothing but hurt one another. my father is an alcholic and a drug addict and has done a real number on me over the years. my sister is the same. my mother is my only ally and she is in rough shape just like me. my father has always been emotionally and verbally abusive with knowledge of all the buttons worth pushing (like fat shaming). he's recently become somewhat physically abusive, as well. i'm living here in the same house, trying to live around his anger and hatred, but it's very difficult without an escape or at least a decent distraction to keep me...well, to keep me me. being a member of this family is a daily struggle and i'm sure it does its share of contributing to overeating (so comforting!) and inactivity on my part. along with other issues...
but, all of that needs to fade into the background now. yes, i'm on a never-ending mental/emotional roller coaster. yes, i'm in a difficult home situation. yes, i'm in debt up to my eyes and there's no sign of relief in the near or far future. i'm overweight, heartbroken, and scared all of the time. but, BUT...i need to fix it. i need to focus on getting healthy, learning to love myself and life, and finding the life i know i can live. i'm worth more than this and i have more to offer the world. i just need to find a place to stand and the confidence to do so.
i have a lot...A LOT of weight to lose and i could use any tips on getting a real good start on that. due to a terrible tumble a couple years ago, my back is tricky and causes problems. so, tips on how to manage a weight loss plan with that particular problem would be of enormous help.
Sothey, situations like this really piss me off. And yet, I know it happens all the time.
Why does it make me so mad?
Because there's such a simple, easy way out of the pain and all the turmoil, if only people will take the road less traveled. But the road less traveled is short and simple, and not all that interesting. The other road is long and winding and bumpy with lots of curves and dark spots, and much more intrigue behind every bend.
It all boils down to punishment and reward. Our society is so infiltrated by the patriarchal system of punishment, that it's literally killing all of us. Every one of us has bought into it on some level, some more than others. The system basically says that to be "good" you have to behave, and then you get a cookie. Otherwise, you earn punishment.
There are 2 problems with this mentality. 1. Behave how? Everyone has their own value system and you can't possibly measure up to it all. 2. You have your own value system, whether you know it or not, and your value system will always pop up, even when you're trying to smother it.
What value system really matters? At the end of the day, it's yours. You are the center of your life, the one who you sleep with at night, the one who you bathe with, and drive with, and do homework with, and sit alone in the dark with, the one who is alone in a hospital bed trying to get well and not knowing what the f*** just went wrong with your life. That person is more real in your life than anyone else on the earth, including your former SO. For all you know, everyone else could be a figment of your imagination. So, what does that mean? That means - stop trying to ignore the person you spend the most time with. Hone in on her.
The one thing we are all taught from an early age in our Puritanical society is to not be selfish. It's something I've struggled with as a Christian. Jesus wants us to love others more than ourselves, right? No. He wants us to love everyone, including ourselves, since we are unbelievably beautiful creations fashioned lovingly by a loving and loyal God. To not love one's self is to hate God. And if you don't care about you, you won't care about anyone else, trust me.
The system of punishment teaches us to look outside of ourselves for what to do, and then for validation that it's done correctly. This is called extrinsic motivation, and studies have been done to show that it's not effective. The outside world is so arbitrary that it tells us what to do and then ridicules us for doing it wrong, even though we've done it exactly as instructed. It can make anyone nuts.
Diets are the same way. They are a form of punishment and reward. You'll see people all over this forum feeding into this system, and your lifelong teaching will incline you towards that method simply out of habit and because how can you go against the whole backbone of our society? But, even a whole nation can be wrong. (Doubt it? Think about Germany during the Holocaust). I hope earnestly that you find a way to see there's a lot more to you than a clapping seal. Be motivated intrinsically - this is the way to lifelong happiness, to lifelong love, and to lifelong health.
Be with yourself. Stay away from the "crazies" in your life (those on drugs/alcohol, etc.). Lock yourself in your room. Stay out of unnecessary arguments with crazy people. They are not sane, so to argue with them is engaging in the crazies. Leave the house as often as possible. Stay as far away from the damage as you can until you have the money, time, and strength to move out for good. Take good care of yourself SELFISHLY. You are only responsible for you.
Some good books (if you can find the time):
Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishment to Love and Reason, Alfie Kohn
Punished by Rewards, Alfie Kohn
CoDependent No More, Melody Beattie
Normal Eating for Normal Weight
The Food and Feelings Workbook
And look for others, as I'm sure there are tons of books and other supports that will help you get your life back. Read as much as you can. Love yourself as much as you can, every second of every day. The more you focus on that, the less you'll be focused on the crap going on around you.
Hi Sotheysay! I love what Mazzy wrote. She gave you some excellent advice and some great books to read, so I'm going to touch on the dieting aspect. I know it seems like you have a long way to go, but break it down. Take it 10...5...1 lb at a time. Every pound is getting you closer to your goal! It will take time, but at the end of that time, you are going to feel so much better physically! You're taking steps to heal yourself inside and out, and I'm so glad you came here because people here will support you in your efforts. Good luck!
First of all welcome! Whatever in your life can be fixed. Really! Suicide is always the wrong answer. I understand the insurance problems but you need your meds. Call your dr office and see if their is a free mental health clinic and with your disabilities you might even qualify for Medicaid depending on your state. If they won't help you which abhors me if they don't since I am a health care provider then call your human services dept in your city they will give you information where you can get some help at a free or if you can apply for assistance for the help.
Depression and anxiety diagnoses are real and need to be monitored by a doctor that you trust. You have endured a lot of crisis but you can get better and overcome them. If you ever need someone to talk with message me on here.
We do not choose our family. What ever our family does is out of our control and you have the power to break the cycle. Your weight problem I am sure is based on your family dynamics. Your inside needs fixed before you can work on the outside. It does not mean you can't work on good eating and exercise but you need to get what you need.
melodie RN
I don't have much to contribute in the way of advice, as I, too, am just starting out. But I can commiserate on the difficulties of dealing with weight in the context of an emotionally abusive relationship - I just got out of an one with my ex-husband last year. I had joined this forum years ago when my son was first born, and everyone was very supportive. Please feel free to message me if you ever want to talk or just need a shoulder to lean on - I know how painful it can be to have someone emotionally and verbally tear you down every day, and how hard it can be to see yourself as worthy of love because of it.
But I will say this: You are worth it. You clearly know what you want in life, and you absolutely deserve happiness and love. Stick with it - the greatest love you can find is love for yourself. You can do this!
why i'm here.
I love what Mazzy wrote. She gave you some excellent advice and some great books to read, so I'm going to touch on the dieting aspect. I know it seems like you have a long way to go, but break it down. Take it 10...5...1 lb at a time. Every pound is getting you closer to your goal! It will take time, but at the end of that time, you are going to feel so much better physically! You're taking steps to heal yourself inside and out, and I'm so glad you came here because people here will support you in your efforts. Good luck!
