[AJs Fresh Start]

This post is probably going to be a bit long and a bit much for an introduction but I'm not sure where to begin and I feel like I have thousands of things to say.

Let me start with some basics. I'm AJ, I'm 30 years old and I weigh over 400lbs. I've never said that openly. I don't know how much that I weigh exactly because I need to update my scale. My weight is the collision point of a lot of different circumstances, factors, situations and choices. I don't blame anyone thing other than my inability to manage all of the little things that add up to a big BIG problem.

I was diagnosed with BiPolar1 over a dozen years ago. I have some sort of neurological problem and have been through thousands of dollars worth of treatment. I was diagnosed with PTSD. I was diagnosed with degenerative osteoarthritis in my spine at the ripe age of 20. I went on my first diet (SlimFast) at age 6 and by the time I was 12 I was skipping meals but the weight continued to pile on. Later I would discover PCOS and the effect of my birth control shots (started at age 13 to prevent pregnancy as a result of abuse.) I went through periods of food scarcity and abundance and gained and gained and gained. I weighed over 300lbs at age 14. I had already been yo-yoing for 40lbs or 60lbs by not eating and swimming or not eating and walking or vomiting. I maintained a weight in the 260-280 range for most of my teen years and weighed 310 when I went to my first OB/GYN appointment with my daughter. The clinician actually wanted me to weigh myself at the fire department since they had a reliable industrial scale but I never did. I had pre-eclampsia and was about 420lbs when my daughter was born. The surgery was bad. Very bad. I took pain medication constantly for 6 weeks postpartum and lost 40lbs by the time I had my staples removed.

The weight crept back on, I changed my "set point" from 300 to 420-440 it seems. I divorced shortly after and by avoiding a long list of foods I was able to shed 140lbs in about 3 months. It just dropped off. I started to learn how much my emotional state was directly related to my size. I maintained the new weight for almost 2 years. I got pregnant again (from hubby #2) and gained a lot of weight very quickly but miscarried at 9 weeks. It was traumatic (I was alone during a tornado and essentially had L&D 30 weeks early.) The weight loss victory was gone by that point.

New hubby has PTSD from Iraq. Our life is crazy and chaotic. My medication is supposed to make it difficult to lose weight. My OB/GYN is less than helpful. I see a pain doctor for the spinal problems and he is helpful but has a limited sphere of influence. My psychiatrist is my saving grace and I believe that he will help me more than anything. My husband isn't antagonistic or unhelpful, he is just not helpful (if that makes sense.) He only understands the Army way of losing weight and I have days that I can't get out of bed so that doesn't work.

Today I hit my breaking point and decided that I have to do something to lose weight. I'm going to die. I once approached diet and exercise in this flippant way but today I feel like I'm ready. The people around me are openly supporting weight loss surgery but I don't think that it's right for me. Deep down I know that this weight is directly related to inflammation problems that I've struggled with for years. I have been exposed to some horrific chemicals and I have been through the ringer. Deep down I know what I'm supposed to be doing but I really want to find other people to cheer me on and be there with me. My husband is great and would be a great help but this isn't about him or our relationship, it has to be about me. I want control back. I want my SELF back.

I lost weight before when I could barely afford to eat and now I sit in a nice brick house in suburbia with everything at my fingertips and I imagined that the weight would just fall off as soon as I could afford that $20 head of exotic vegetable and that $4k elliptical machine. I have both and there's no magic happening. What I've learned along the way is that I don't know much of anything. Here are my personal dieting discoveries (I don't advocate them for anyone else, obviously.)
1) I have a bad track record with surgery, so that's off the table.
2) I have to take my meds. Even if they make me hungry and even if I have to eat with them, they are a requirement.
3) I have to watch out for carbs, I don't do well with those - no matter how whole they are or how healthy, I just can't. Even beans are a no-go.
4) I have to take my Adderall (judge if you want but when my focus wanes I forget that I'm not that person who snacks all day.)
5) I'm not an island and even though I want to do this all by myself, I need other people (this is the hardest for me.)
6) I really do love myself. All of these years later I can finally say it with sincerity. I love myself and I have to do this to take care of myself.
7) Lucky number 7. I can do this.

So, I think I've bared my soul as much as I can think of. I'm hoping that there are other people out there who can help me along the way and that some day I will be the helping hand.

[punkrocksong]

You've come to the right place if you are looking for support. It looks like you've dealt with a lot in your life and a lot of the women and men on here have dealt with similar issues.

There are some really great threads on here and it's a lot of information, but I hope it helps you come up with a plan of action!

I'm not expert, I'm only 8 weeks in of my very first weight loss attempt, but I saw a dietician who worked out a very doable plan for me and I've been healthily and steadily losing weight - with all of your meds, maybe that would a good idea for you.

And I don't blame you about the surgery - When I was at my heaviest (which was probably more than 310) that was the first thing my doctor threw out there for me and I did a lot of research, and I discovered it was not for me. It's definitely not the quick fix the advertisements make it out to be, but I do understand for a lot of people that is their best/only option.

I wish you the best of luck and hope to see you posting!

[NotTheCheat]

Welcome!!

Wow, you have a whole lot to deal with, but you can do this.

Personally I believe that your point number six is the key to the rest of it.

I have similar problems with carbs. As much as I like them, they hate me. I am now eating what would be considered mostly ketogenic paleo. Calorie counting worked before, but as I have gotten older I have become more and more insulin resistant (with a diagnosis of pre-diabetic). I feel so much better without the carbs. It is really remarkable. My mood is so much more stable and I don’t crave sugar.

You will find tons of great support on this site. Dive in. Having a support system of people who get the struggle is invaluable.

[Rhiko]

[Mozzy]

Welcome and good luck on your journey!!

[ander]

Welcome! I'm new here too but it seems that you've faced a lot of obstacles in your journey. Buuuut, you're here now and looking forward to the future. Hopefully you will find some support in this site!

[bethFromDayton]

Welcome to 3FC. It seems as if you're at a point where you're ready to do this--and that's key to success.

There are lots of forums on here--and I found making yourself a 'home' in some of them is key to success. I've had a few days full of mistakes, but I know people here would miss me if I disappeared (how conceited is that?) and that made it possible to admit to the mistakes and get right back on track.

Have you picked an eating strategy yet? Low-carb? Low-carb and calorie counting? Some other variation? There are forums for most approaches and that's a great way to get and give good support.

Best of luck to you! See you here!

[Lecomtes]

Welcome aj. You are right, you can do this!

[fadedbluejeans]

Wow. Welcome!