Good evening to my fellow cubby chicks! I am very excited to find a platform to express my frustrations and celebrate the many small victories that are waiting to be discovered along this journey!
I, myself, have been on this road many times, and at times I have had great success. Like many, my struggle began as a child. I have always been "chubby" and at times teetering on fairly overweight. As a teen I developed an interest in working out with my ex, as he prepared himself for the military. Ultimately, undoing all my hard work after gaining quite a bit of weight during both my pregnancies. I had both my my little one's before I was 20.
Feeling like you have the body of a 40 year old when you are only in your early 20's can have a profound effect on your self esteem. I found myself developing a pretty seriously dysfunctional attitude towards my body. I can't say I have ever been anorexic, to the degree that comes to mind when we heard that word, but I absolutely began refusing myself food on a regular bases.
I suppose a major turn of mine was when I decided to go vegetarian. I lost a ton of weight, eliminating all the fatty connivence meats (well all meat for that matter), I went from a size 18 to almost a 9 in a year. During that time I learned a lot more about food in general. How to make better choices, healthier alternatives to my fatty favorites and the wonders that raw, fresh fruits and veggies can do for your body. During that time I felt my mind was clearer, I had more CLEAN energy and was all around generally happier.
Towards the end of that year I noticed a big difference in my energy level. I don't believe I was getting enough iron in my body (I am naturally deficient), my mood started to shift, I found myself very tired and I noticed irregular heat beats (associated with a condition I have had all my life). SO, I slowly began to eat meat again. I gained some weight back, 3 pants sizes worth, which didn't bother me so much.
After a while I decided I was ready to go a step further, after quitting smoking. I decided to join a gym and start getting back into fitness. Well soon after, my long time fiancee and I decided to FINALLY tie the knot (after 8 years). I shifted gears after that and hired a trainer. I felt SO GOOD! I was finally feeling great and starting to work back to my goals. As my wedding day got closer, and the stress of a strict diet and fitting into my dress got to me, I began smoking again.... and after the wedding I was just so happy to not have to fuss over everything I was eating I gave up completely on caring and just dove, head first, into all my favorite fatty comfort foods.
Now I barely fit into my "fat jeans". I am so frustrated with myself and all the steps backwards I have made. Getting motivated is a task all in it's self. I have no desire to be "skinny", I just want to be healthy and happy with my curves. I have a wonderful husband who loves me for who am I am, but I feel my constant insecurities may ultimately be projected onto him. My perspective on my body, as a whole, I feel is so skewed. I have a hard time seeing the person others see when I look into the mirror and I wonder sometimes how much weight can I loose to change how I feel about myself.
I'm ready to hop back on the health train and looking forward to the support!
to you! 
