Hello my name is Vanessa, I am 26 years old and I am a mommy of now 4 gorgeous little boys, ages 8,6,4 and 2 mo. I reached 206.8 lbs. with my latest pregnancy which set me at my heaviest weight ever. I have pretty much always struggled with my weight since my first pregnancy. I am def. a yo-yo dieter. I can lose weight quickly, but tend to gain it back just as quick as it was lost. I weighed about 121lbs. pre-1st pregnancy, went on to hit 179 lbs. by his birth date. He weighed 8lbs.9 oz. I lost most of it quickly, however, just to find out I was pregnant yet again quite soon afterwards. I was maybe about 134lbs. pre-2nd pregnancy and once again reached 179 lbs. by his birth date. He weighed 8 lbs. 11oz. Finally after about a year post-pregnancy I was back down to 141lbs. and stayed there for a few years till my next pregnancy. Come my third pregnancy, I didn’t gain a single pound till I hit nearly seven months, didn’t even show hardly. Tell me about it, I thought i was going to be lucky with this one… However, that wasn’t the case at all. I suddenly went from 141lbs. to 188 lbs. by his birth date and let me remind you I didn’t gain a single pound till about 7 months into my pregnancy. This son was my smallest too! weighing 7 lbs. even. Although the doctors had assumed and prepared for him to be a rather large baby weighing in at 10 lbs. By the time we were discharged and sent home and I go to weigh myself desperate to see how much I’ve lost due to the birth of my son(his weight) and the weight of the placenta, wanting to know how much more I was going to be left with to lose to get back down to my pre- pregnancy weight. I see the scale and am in shock! Somehow I still weighed 188 lbs.!! Not even his 7 lbs. were gone…
At that point I felt like there wasn’t any hope and I’d be fat and feel miserable forever! Anyways slowly, but surely I started to lose the weight dropping to 154 lbs. and maintaining that for a few years with no luck of downing in weight any further. After my then, youngest son turned about 3, I started to gain weight again, except no pregnancy this time. I would bounce around between 154-164 for the next year. ..Until my 4th pregnancy.. I weighed 158lbs. pre-4th pregnancy and then quickly gained and shot up to 206.8 lbs! I gave birth to my 4th son Ethan April 5th, 2012. He weighed 8 lbs. even. Since, I have yo-yo dieted pretty bad, although he’s only a little over 2 months of age at this point, I managed to yo-yo. I was really desperate to lose weight this time and felt worst than ever about myself. I dropped to 182 lbs. within the first 2 weeks and within the 3rd shot back up to 197 lbs. I lost 8 lbs. putting me at 189 lbs. by the 4th week and then shot back up to 196 lbs. the next and after that lost only 3 lbs. leaving me at 193 lbs. By this time I was exhausted and tired of trying just to feel like a failure allover again. So I pretty much just accepted that this was the body I was stuck in and that there was no hope for me. I know I was soon to give up, but after all I’ve gone through I had no urge to keep trying. However, I now find myself being overly jealous and very temper mental towards my husband and although he has sadly givin me reason to not trust him in the past, we’ve gotten through it, or so I thought and I was putting the past behind us and forgiving hm. I don’t want to feel like I’m not good enough and like I have something to worry about. But his actions from before and I’m sure you can all figure it at, he cheated on me, frequents my mind and I feel all the more ugly, fat and unattractive. He does, however, constantly remind me of how attractive he finds me and tells me very often how much he loves me and how beautiful to him I am. He’s honestly always kissing on me to the point that it’s too much, but shouldn’t be. I should be able to see how much he loves me and wants me, but I don’t instead I feel like it’s just a show, though honestly I know in my heart that it’s not though, but still I lead myself to believe that. I know why I do it, after all I feel ugly. I feel like he has no reason to want me anymore therefore I refuse to believe that he does. But I can’t help but to fill my own head with doubts and constantly worry. I don’t find myself attractive at all anymore and don’t see how he possibly could either. Not to mention I shut him out a lot now. He’ll tell me he loves me and although I do love him back and a lot, I don’t hardly say it back anymore. I don’t know why, nor do I mean to hurt him, I just don’t find myself being able to, I don’t find myself worth being loved, leaving me forcing myself to believe he’s straight lying to me. I don’t know exactly why I’ve become the way I am or if it really is just because I’m insecure about myself not just because of my own weight problems but, also because he has cheated and I can’t really find myself to forgiving him like I should and desperately want to. I want to be happy again. I want to feel like I’m his world again. I want to feel wanted again. And although I truly know that I am, I don’t feel like it. And I know it has a lot to do with how I’m seeing and feeling about myself. I know I can’t entirely love someone without first loving myself and right now there is nothing I want more than to be able to love myself and him the way he deserves. We’ve def. had our trials in the past, but he’s def. been trying to to regain my heart since, now I want to be able to give it back to him. Now is where I realize that not only is he worth it, my boys are worth it and def. deserve a mommy who can and won’t feel too ugly to go outside and run around with them and play, but I am worth it! And Right NOW is where I take stand and I regain control of myself and get my life back!! Who’s with me!?
Hello my name is Vanessa, and these are My Trials
