[Leitmotif]

Imma cut to the chase. I need perspective, support, advice, and general good-nature'd criticism and honesty. I hope I can find this here! Some history:

I got up to 230 my freshman year of high school. My best friend was probably 160 on her most bloated of bloat-y days, but still wasn't having any of the extra baggage on her frame. Being of the darker variety in style/scene/taste, we had all kind of methods to try and examples set for us that were terrible, dangerous, and shrouded in the most dramatic emotional stress we could find. 'Ana' became our mutual bestie, water took the place of all carbs, sugars, and proteins, and fiber was our after-dinner (water) mint. I bought Dance Dance Revolution for the Playstation 2 and we had our almost daily exercise binges. I ended up at 145. In less than two years. My friend ended up skeletal, but by that time we'd started drifting and I have no idea of her actual weight or anything about her life after. But I remember all the 1AM walks around my neighborhood, the ritual cigarette before school, never entering the cafeteria and spending it in class. The iceberg lettuce + 1 cheese slice + 1 wheat thin burrito I'd eat every other day. And how my pounds melted off. :x

Enter: Graduation + real life + job. u_u

I eventually caved and ate normally again and I can't even tell you when it was. Anorexics say it's such a hard thing, eating normal again. I had a different experience. Which is why I've never really known if I truly had an eating disorder or not, or if I still do. Fat + ED? Uh. Kay. I think I was just super strict. But even when I started to eat, cut down on the workouts, and gained weight, I was obsessive about food. I was snarky to my bigger friends about any bad food choice while I devoured my salads, I counted every calorie, yet would sometimes eat passed a good amount... But then again. I never knew was 'good' was (I never researched anything about metabolism or anything until it was all too late). So ANY calorie made me depressed, but I was eating... Which is what everyone ****ing wanted me to do. "Healthier". So. Eat eat eat. Gain gain gain. And then I had more important things to worry about, so even calories took a backseat. I saved up 5k last year working in a drug store and moved 700miles from my only home to a new state with new friends and my boyfriend! So happy! But so stressful! And now I'm up to 180-185, and I'm terrified, enraged, scared, and obsessed.

But. Here's the thing. I'm really, really, really confused.

I tried to pull Ana out of the locked trunk, but she wouldn't come. I broke down after every fast. I understand that this is a good thing, but it feels more like pure failure. So then I tried eating veggies, no carbs or sugar, and protein! And would feel guilty about a can of tuna. Depression then turned to another day of fasting, which turned into night eating, and that's my biggest problem, I've recently figured out. My schedule for a year had me work at 1pm-10:30pm or somewhere in the bracket, and I'm a natural night-owl, so I'd probably wake up in enough time to leave the house. Then I'm home and starving, or have just starved myself. Which has also murdered my metabolism! Which is AWESOME when I've broken down and ingested fourteen meals in 20 minutes at 2AM, an hour before bed. DDx So now I feel stuck. If I eat, I feel like my body is just hoarding it all in. So then I try to eat less, and it turns into starvation. All of this accumulates into me feeling like utter shite and then having 0 self esteem to go and leave my house to exercise, so I loaf around and my social life is just DYING which is ridiculous because I MOVED to be nearer these friends and this wonderful city. And now I'm hiding from it. ._.

I used to feel so good about my weight loss, minus the excess skin of extreme weight loss, but. Now? I don't know how to feel. Stuck in the ebb and flow of a weird tide of eating healthy vs just not eating. And then shoving whatever I can into my mouth at 4AM when I'm half awake. And gaining all the while.

Is there anyone else out there with these problems? I know, it's just laziness when you get down to it, but some of these issues are rooted so deeply into me, it feels impossible to stick with anything! Sorry about all the words, I'm almost sleep-typing. D:

Anyway. Hi! x_x

[PaintedButterfly]

Aw gosh I wish I could give you a hug. You've been through so much.. I'm probably about to say a bunch of stuff you really don't want to hear but I think you need to hear it:

You have an eating disorder. All the guilt for any calories, the shame and fear, the fasting then binging at night etc- this is an eating disorder. The fact you're not skeletal doesn't mean your eating disorder is any less real or that you won't be causing your body serious harm. People die of eating disorders at normal and even over weight weights.
Have you ever had any treatment for your eating disorder? Therapy etc? I understand your frustration with people thinking you're fine now cos you're eating but as you know it's not as simple as that, you need and deserve support to address both your unhealthy relationship with food and whatever is beneath it.

Secondly I don't think dieting is the way forward for you. If you eat healthily, reguarly and enough and exercise moderately your weight will stabalise to where is healthy for you. This is where the really frustrating thing comes in- you don't get to pick that. Your body will equbrilate to it's healthy weight but you've got to give it time and trust your body.. but before even that you've got to get away from the scales and address your relationship with food. Normalise your relationship with food and your intake preferably with professional guidance, then if your weight is still a serious problem come back to it.

I really think a therapist and a dietician could help you enormously. I really recommend going to see your GP. Your issues here aren't laziness at all but they're serious and you need and deserve professional support.